Gender dysphoria

[Magic]

Pretty much self-explanatory. Had this feeling for years with varying severity, but now it seems to be getting worse. I feel like I am being forced to pretend to be someone I am not all the time, and while I seem to be doing a good job doing so, I don't get any satisfaction or pleasure from pretty much anything, the amount of stress keeps growing, and it keeps going this way it will probably break me.

I still have some hope left that it is possible to recover from this feeling somehow, because if it is not, this life is probably not worth living.

 

[ggg456]

:hug: Do you see a therapist/counsellor, psychiatrist or psychologist?

Your feelings will be heard with the right people who will listen to you and what you feel you need.

 

[Magic]

:hug: Do you see a therapist/counsellor, psychiatrist or psychologist?

The answer is no, unfortunately. This is due to a number of reasons - first of all, I'm afraid that involving others with my problems will make them bigger, because it will be more difficult to ignore them, when someone else can trigger my mind to going back on this old and self-destructive track.

Secondly, despite considering myself to be pretty good at expressing facts and ideas both verbally and in writing, when it comes to my own thoughts and feelings it's a completely different story. The first post in this thread kind of proves it. So, while I've had thoughts of going to psychologist, the first thing I asked myself is "what am I going to say?". And I don't have a clear and easily understandable answer for that.

Then again, the fact is a shameful one to admit, and, therefore, difficult to speak about. I may build phrases in my mind, but when it'll come to actually having to say them, I doubt I'll be able to squeese much out of myself.

Also, if I manage to overcome this problem by myself, I can pretend that nothing ever happened. But if I involve other people, I'll have to bear with the fear of shame and humiliation of them knowing for the rest of my life.

Being officially branded as a lunatic is also something I'd rather avoid if possible :dry:.

Your feelings will be heard with the right people who will listen to you and what you feel you need.

I wish I knew what I need to put a clear end to this. But, alas, I don't. It also seems impossible to me that anyone from outside could help me with this deeply personal stuff.

And thank you for your reply, ggg456 :smile:.

 

[ggg456]

Hi Magic,

I don't see myself as having gender dysphoria myself but I've been around people who feel similar to you.

There is absolutely nothing shameful about your feelings although I appreciate your fears and anxieties about others' reactions. A lot of people go through similar feelings and you're not alone. Your anxieties over sharing things that are private and something you've kept inside without sharing with anyone for so long are completely understandable.

You say you can verbalise your feelings on paper, and there's nothing wrong with writing your feelings down and handing them to a professional. You can spend as long as you like gathering your thoughts and putting them down on paper to make the initial appointment easier. Your feelings of shame and humiliation might get better with counselling, support and therapy with the relevant people who are trained in these issues and will listen to you and help you feel less alone. They will not brand you as a lunatic. Your experiences and feelings are perfectly valid.

I don't know if you're in the UK but I do understand that here, with the NHS there are very strict guidelines as to what is 'gender dysphoria' and depending on who you approach they might have a criteria that might seem off putting and insensitive to your individual feelings and needs. If that's the case, if you do decide to approach anyone, it might be helpful to research things first, including their possible approach so you can be prepared.

I do hear how alone you feel and if it's any help, I don't think your feelings are anything to be ashamed about.

:hug: Take care of yourself. xx

 

[Magic]

I don't know if you're in the UK but I do understand that here, with the NHS there are very strict guidelines as to what is 'gender dysphoria' and depending on who you approach they might have a criteria that might seem off putting and insensitive to your individual feelings and needs. If that's the case, if you do decide to approach anyone, it might be helpful to research things first, including their possible approach so you can be prepared.

Unfortunately I am not in the UK, or any other country with a similar level of civilisation and tolerance:sad:. Therefore, I am not completely sure if the psychologist examining me will have the necessary qualification and willingness to understand.

If you are familiar with the GD/GID subject, you probably know the question, which people who experience this ask themselves the most - transition or denial. For years the latter had been my choice. I tried my hardest to pretend to be someone I am not, to take on roles I abhor, to "kick this junk out of my head". But since I still suffer from extreme depression and still ask myself the same question, I guess it didn't quite work.

But then again, transition is tough. Even though I have some of the funds necessary, performing this with the quality I desire requires much more. As I have said it before, people aren't tolerant here. So my chances to be accepted and successful are highly questionable. I surely won't be able to keep my job, not that I wasn't going to change it anyway, and finding a new one might prove extremely difficult, if not impossible. And even though I am relatively young by the TS standards - in my early twenties, my body has already finished developing, and I am not too sure about my chances of being able to reach the desired level of assimilation.

I've been living in denial for years, and every single day of it was hell. But I am not sure if it will get any better if I change that. In fact, it may become much, much worse. I wonder if there are any people who ever saw any light after living in denial - and if there are, how many decades did it take them to...?

I suppose a good psychologist/psychiatrist could help solve this internal conflict of mine. But I see that a psychologist is still a only a man. And I am not sure if a man is enough to help here :sad:.

 

[Malcontent]

Hey Magic, I can relate to a lot of how you're feeling. I personally have decided that I'm somewhere between genders and I don't really care which one people see me as. I didn't always though and for years I was seriously considering transitioning, it's a big big desicion that needs a hell of a lot of thinking about. My advice to you would be to deal with your depression (about your gender as well as other things) first before making the final desicion. Don't make the mistake of thinking that if your body was the gender that you feel inside that you wouldn't still get depressed. Once you have the self confidence to be proud of who you are, no matter what other people think, is the time you should make this choice. I would recommend seeing a female psyciatrist as they are on the whole better at understanding these feelings. It takes at lot of guts to say these things out loud, but once you're able to talk about it's like a huge weight off your shoulders. You're not crazy or sick, anyone who says otherwise is a narrow-minded fool.

Take care :hug:

 

[ggg456]

:hug: :sad: I don't know what country you're in, but my girlfriend is in a similar situation (the UK might seem 'civilised' and tolerant but people who are different here are also discriminated against and have to tread carefully) and she goes through very similar anxieties regarding jobs, how she is going to 'pass' to other people etc and there might be gender clinics run by transexuals who are qualified therapists who have gone through some sort of transitioning process, rather than therapists who don't know anything about what you're feeling.

Perhaps there are organisations or groups you could look and join for emotional support, who will direct you to somewhere helpful- as I'm sure there are other people where you live who feel similar to you and go through similar anxieties and will validate who you are?

I do hear your worries about not seeing someone who will understand. Maybe getting in touch with other people who share similar feelings might make you feel less alone and support you in some way.

 

[Magic]

Wow, thank you people, your replies are really nice :smile:.

Hey Magic, I can relate to a lot of how you're feeling. I personally have decided that I'm somewhere between genders and I don't really care which one people see me as. I didn't always though and for years I was seriously considering transitioning, it's a big big desicion that needs a hell of a lot of thinking about. My advice to you would be to deal with your depression (about your gender as well as other things) first before making the final desicion. Don't make the mistake of thinking that if your body was the gender that you feel inside that you wouldn't still get depressed. Once you have the self confidence to be proud of who you are, no matter what other people think, is the time you should make this choice.

First of all, I feel happy for you. Really. I know how painful it is, recovering must be like heaven on earth :smile:.

Got any personal experience about coming to terms with yourself to share maybe? :smile:

What you say truly is wise. I am trying my best not to neglect any aspect of my life, and keep my attitude positive. I try to pay attention to my work, my place, my appearance and so on. I try to go out, meet people and surround myself with friends, even though I don't have any feeling of belonging with people of my own sex, or any attraction to the opposite. Actually, I've never had a sexual fantasy imagining myself as a member of my own sex for once in my life :dry:. Sorry for getting carried away a bit...

From what I know, transitioning is an extremely complex process. It probably creates more problems than it solves, and, honestly, is extremely scary to me. In many, many ways it is much easier to continue living in denial.

But, it can be my only chance for getting any fulfilment in this life. Or, it can destroy it once and for all. There's no guarantee. I don't know if there's any way to get any kind of isight, make any prediction, get anything to help me with this decision.

I am weak. Honestly, looking back, I will probably let fear rule my life as I always did, and continue living in denial. And I will also probably hate myself for the rest of my life for choosing either option. Yeah, this is where the thoughts of suicide come from...

I don't know what country you're in, but my girlfriend is in a similar situation (the UK might seem 'civilised' and tolerant but people who are different here are also discriminated against and have to tread carefully) and she goes through very similar anxieties regarding jobs, how she is going to 'pass' to other people etc and there might be gender clinics run by transexuals who are qualified therapists who have gone through some sort of transitioning process, rather than therapists who don't know anything about what you're feeling.

Perhaps there are organisations or groups you could look and join for emotional support, who will direct you to somewhere helpful- as I'm sure there are other people where you live who feel similar to you and go through similar anxieties and will validate who you are?

I do hear your worries about not seeing someone who will understand. Maybe getting in touch with other people who share similar feelings might make you feel less alone and support you in some way.

Well, if your girlfriend has any experience to share I will be most happy lo hear it :smile:. It is great that she has someone like you around. As for me, I don't have much people to turn to for support. They will either ridicule me, or simply won't care. My parents, for example, completely fail to see how serious my condition is, and they probably don't think I am serious about what I say. Even when I tell them bluntly.

I'm afraid that turning to someone for psychological help won't be of much use, as it will be the same thing as making the decision completely by myself. If I turn to TS-related groups, they will support transitioning, if I turn to "normal" ones, they will support denial :dry:.

 

[ybt]

I don't have any knowledge on anything called 'Gender Dysphoria', so this post is written in a subject area of which I am ignorant, so if I say something painfully obvious, there it is.

Is GD just about not feeling like your gender? In which case there's another term for it, which is more commonly known: transsexual. Of which there are support groups.

 

[Magic]

I don't have any knowledge on anything called 'Gender Dysphoria', so this post is written in a subject area of which I am ignorant, so if I say something painfully obvious, there it is.

Is GD just about not feeling like your gender? In which case there's another term for it, which is more commonly known: transsexual. Of which there are support groups.

Simply put, yes, GD or GID - Gender Identity Disorder, is not feeling like the gender you were born as. I prefer this term, because it is somewhat precise and describes a specific state of mind.

The term "transsexual", on the other hand, is sort of broad and hard to define.

And I am not sure if there are qualified support groups in my country. In fact, finding a psychologist with any knowledge on the matter may prove tricky :sad:. And I don't want amateurs messing with the things which are THAT important :sad:.

 

[ybt]

Actually, when I said 'support groups', I was wrong. The best thing to do is to be yourself.