Practical Advice Grieving sis moving

[JMG]

Hey everyone, posting this here even though I’m not sure if anyone can help or not. I’m just a bit confused, cos I thought I was finally done grieving the fact that my sis went from living only about an hour away from me, to now living over 4 hours away. I was feeling pretty proud that I had survived it, somehow, in one piece (had feared for years that she would move further away from me, so it hit me hard when it all happened pretty “suddenly” earlier this year.)

Anyway I thought I was stronger from it and had “dealt with it” but now I am feeling weak, helpless and kinda emo (not actually crying cos I very rarely cry these days thank god, feels like the fear and uncertainty level have now gotten so high that I’ve just somehow gotten beyond even being able to cry about anything anymore. Maybe I’ve shut down a lot of it or I don’t even know.) I am just feeling pretty confused right now. Did you ever feel like you had gotten over something/accepted it, dealt with it, moved on and become stronger from it, and then suddenly felt like all of that just inexplicably got blown away, and you don’t even know why? That is how it is feeling for me right now, and it’s freaking me out. Just dunno wtf to do I guess.

I feel so guilty for missing her old house and kind of not liking her new house as much as her old one. Maybe I just need to get used to this new one, but ya like even the room I’m staying in, in her old place, there was a desk right beside the pullout bed that I could put my stuff on. Now it’s way on the other side of the room. There’s no lamp in here now, in her old place there was and that was so much better. The layout of their old place was much more “open” too and I just wish they could move back to their old house and that this had never happened. Irrational, I know. It’s hard to not feel kinda sad about some things that have happened this year. Trying to stay positive about things, but it feels especially hard right now.

 

[seabird]

@JMG Don't have advice about it but I send empathatic thoughts. (it's like a natural grieving process perhaps?) Do you feel it'll ebb and flow over time? I have really strong emotions which sometimes come roaring back even though I thought I was done processing a change.

I hope you find a peaceful way through this.

 

[1Lefty]

Anyway I thought I was stronger from it and had “dealt with it” but now I am feeling weak, helpless and kinda emo (not actually crying cos I very rarely cry these days thank god, feels like the fear and uncertainty level have now gotten so high that I’ve just somehow gotten beyond even being able to cry about anything anymore. Maybe I’ve shut down a lot of it or I don’t even know.) I am just feeling pretty confused right now. Did you ever feel like you had gotten over something/accepted it, dealt with it, moved on and become stronger from it, and then suddenly felt like all of that just inexplicably got blown away, and you don’t even know why? That is how it is feeling for me right now, and it’s freaking me out. Just dunno wtf to do I guess.

I'm sorry you're feeling pain. I don't think it's abnormal for grief to appear again, after it's not been as present for a time.
It's not a linear process, that progresses, where each day builds on the previous one.
It doesn't mean that you've done anything wrong, or that your way of dealing with grief isn't working. Grief really isn't predictable, it resists attempts to control it. It can come and go.
I think you have grown stronger, though it may be hard to recognize that now.
Please be kind with yourself.
I think the grief will lessen again



peace

 

[Atreides]

I'm sorry you're having a hard time. Losing someone is hard. I know you didn't lose her in a literal sense. But having someone move far away is definitely a type of loss. And we grieve all loss whether we lose a person or your favorite toy as a kid. Just know grief is a sign of strength. Going through anything hard is a sign of strength. Remember SF is here for you.

 

[JMG]

Thank you so much for replying @seabird @1Lefty and @JDot I really appreciate you not only taking the time to read what I wrote there, but also being so caring with replying.

You’ve all said lots of very interesting things that I will definitely give some serious, deep thought to. Ya, perhaps it is just a “natural” grieving process, and one that might simply “ebb and flow with time”. I am uncomfortable with that “ebbing and flowing” thing I guess, cos it is very unpredictable.

I definitely wish it was more of a “linear” thing, and it really throws me off and confuses me that it often isn’t. I know “feelings” aren’t a thing that can be controlled easily, but I like to think I am at least good at keeping them somewhat “organized” if that makes sense. When they feel like they suddenly have an opposite change, with no real/apparent “reason” then that is what I struggle to understand/make much sense of. Even if it might be difficult to understand the “how” of it all (like “how did my supposedly “resolved feelings” get so opposite like this”) then I wish I could at least have a bit of an answer to the “why” of it. Just feels beyond…ugh, ok. Ya. That’s definitely what it is. Just plain bloody unfair as hell, as is life itself sometimes.

Ya, maybe there isn’t really much “more” to it than that, and right now I’m mostly just guilty of “struggling to accept that unpleasant fact”. Hmm. Dunno why I didn’t think of that before. When I put this post here though, I was extremely tired, so perhaps that was part of it too. I just needed to sleep for at least 5-6 hours. For the last few nights I’ve only gotten between an hour to about 4 or 5 hours sleep each of those nights. I have woken up each of those nights/mornings with my head being quite active with thinking about things and trying to “better understand” them. So maybe this is all just about me needing to “sleep more, think/worry less” lol.

 

[MisterBGone]

I think that you have the right to feel however it is you feel... & to try to analyze it, is not helpful - nor, productive (in my view)~

However, I also feel--that things will improve: "eventually!"

It's natural/& I'd expect it to hurt, if not kill some. Since it is a 'Death,' of sorts, or in a way: as far as, you losing that type of closeness or kinship that is afforded from having the luxury of living within more of a stone's throw of your door.

So it is not as foolish, or unwise, as it may seem at first. It's somewhat like, losing any other relationship, such as... let's say a friend. They were great. What you had was wonderful. Now, you're not a part of one another's world anymore. Or your time (together) has expired. Again, not dead. But sort of as it once was, no longer (now) so. . . // or if that's too far a stretch, I have also had great, grand & wonderful friends, move across the country, nearly never to be heard from, nor seen again. /// Same thing can happen with existing relationships at work. You leave, or someone does. You say you'll keep in touch. But it is rare, or so it seems, that you do!

Peaceful, pleasant thoughts, are now headed your way @JMG ~*>

 

[Livelife]

I'm sorry you are in an intense place again with grieving. It's a common thing to have feelings show up again even when you think you've worked something out completely. Peeling the layers of the onion.... It's just another layer and it's come up for you to take a look at and walk through. Your sister is a deeply important part of your life and the changes like distance have stirred more up. You did and are doing good work. Your spending physical time with her is also bringing some things up and out, And btw you didn't lose what you had processed before, this is just another piece of it and possibly your inner self feels you can go through it, desires it, to get the clarity and peace you want.

 

[JMG]

Seabird - Thank you for sharing with me that sometimes grief will do this kind of “coming back” thing after you thought it had been resolved too, that was/is a very helpful thing for me to hear/read right now. Helps me feel less “alone with it. Thank you also for wishing for me to find a “peaceful way through this” I definitely deeply appreciate that

I hope for that as well, and these fab replies you’ve all taken the time to post here for me have made the chances of that increase to an incalculable and therefore beyond priceless kind of way.
Thank you all again, so much!

1Lefty - Thank you for your reassurance, compassion and understanding about what I said, having that acknowledgment at this time is very healing for me and feels like it was/is exactly what I needed. I can sometimes have a hard time with “self-validation” especially when it comes to acknowledging my feelings about things (especially ones I perhaps tend to judge too harshly as “negative” or upsetting.) Reading you say those things to me absolutely feels like the best “gift” I could be given right now, to be “reminded” of the importance of doing that, and of always challenging myself to grow with my ability to do that more, and better. Always striving for balance, and a person who cannot have a healthy degree of “self-compassion” and self-validation is going to struggle with having much true “balance” imo.

I really appreciate what you said about it not meaning I have “done anything wrong” because of these supposedly resolved feelings coming back like this. Ya, I definitely wasn’t aware that by my “reaction” to these feelings coming back that I was harshly judging myself, like I had “done something wrong”. No, of course, what you said makes perfect, rational and logical sense. I was far too caught up in the “emotion”’of it to be able to see that with the clarity that you clearly are able to. You are really good at seeing to the “heart of the matter” wow. I dunno if you are already in the counselling profession, but I just thought I would let you know that if it is something you think you’d ever want to do that I think you would truly excel in it!

Wow, after all that kindness you showed with being so caring and understanding about what I said, you also encouraged me to try to recognize that I have grown stronger, even though it doesn’t feel like it right now, and to be gentle with myself. Then more reassurance that the grief will be likely to lessen again, wow, you definitely seem to be quite a natural with helping and caring about what another person is feeling/experiencing and going through. That is an incredible, and in my experience, extremely rare thing that I have experienced from most people. Thank you again very much!

Will do a separate reply for what you said JDot, just want to get this posted, plus the notification came up at least 10-20 mins ago that there has been a “new reply” in here and I’m curious to read that lol

 

[JMG]

I'm sorry you're having a hard time. Losing someone is hard. I know you didn't lose her in a literal sense. But having someone move far away is definitely a type of loss. And we grieve all loss whether we lose a person or your favorite toy as a kid. Just know grief is a sign of strength. Going through anything hard is a sign of strength. Remember SF is here for you.

Thank you so much for your kind compassion and acknowledgment JDot, you are very kind and I really appreciate what you said there, a lot You’re definitely right about losing someone (literal or non-literal) being hard.

It feels like you also have been able to see a big part of the heart of the matter - my fear of grief, of wanting to be “done” with it and of being too harshly judging of myself for “still experiencing feelings of grief” after thinking I’d dealt with them. I have been far too “resistant” of those kinds of feelings, and I am always striving NOT to resist whatever I feel, cos I do not ever like to “stifle” my freedom of expression if it can be helped.

Thank you so much for so kindly and gently reminding me that we all experience grief (helps me feel much less “alone” with it, which I had been feeling a bit before posting this topic), that it’s a sign of strength (another thing it can be quite hard for me to acknowledge a lot of the time), and that SF is here for me. Wow, truly, every single reply that has been put here (including those 2 most recent ones from MrB and Livelife) are all so full of such a deep clarity, compassion, understanding, caring and reassurance, you’re all blowing me away a lot here.

Maybe these things would be “simple, easy and/or obvious” to most people, but ya I have always struggled with having much “clarity, understanding or even much patience” with these kinds of things for some reason. You have all helped me better understand the “situation”, my feelings and myself in general through your kind and thoughtful replies. I cannot thank you all enough for this beyond priceless help and advice you have given me, thank you SO much again!

* Big hugs of very deep gratitude * (If you want them)

 

[JMG]

to try to analyze it, is not helpful - nor, productive (in my view)~

However, I also feel--that things will improve: "eventually!"

Hey MrB, thank you so much for taking the time to reply here, I deeply appreciate it and of course (as always!) found ALL of what you said there extremely priceless, helpful and valuable. I quoted the above part of what you said especially because - yes! You are so completely right about that, it is exactly what I often do. I analyze things so much, all the time, I definitely make myself a bit “nuts” with that sometimes (maybe it could even be said “a lot of the time” lol). I also quoted the part under it where you said “things will improve eventually” because omg, I don’t think I even truly realized just how much I needed to just hear/read someone say that to me right now. But it is extremely comforting, encouraging, supportive and reassuring to me, even just the very idea that it WILL be ok, wow. It just doesn’t have nearly the same “weight” or power when I try to “give myself those reassurances” lol. My mind will usually always very kindly add after it “you better not just be “kidding yourself” saying that”. So ya, it feels like when it “adds that” after that it is seriously “undermining” me, and I wish there was something I could do to get it to stop doing that. I don’t understand why it even does that to me at all, seems quite counterproductive and also self-destructive, I don’t want to be that kind of person, no way!

I guess me saying that (especially that last part about “counterproductive and self-destructive”) shows that there are definitely some deep issues that I need to seriously work on with a professional. I just need to be able to see/talk to someone on a weekly basis about this, and to get to the real heart of “why” I seem to be that way. If I could somehow figure that out, wow, what a huge help it could be for me. The most “recent” counselling I’ve had wasn’t helpful with that kind of thing at all. The one I went to for a bit in 2017 was more of a “life coach” which I didn’t really appreciate, because it felt far too dismissive. Pretty much felt like the equivalent of someone walking up to someone in a wheelchair and filling their head with all kinds of visions of people walking. Wtf? Just not helpful for a person in that particular situation, and will be likely to make them just feel even worse about their current challenges, and more frustrated. That was literally exactly how I felt, like it utterly missed the point of “what I actually needed, and wanted, help with.”

The 2nd, more recent counsellor, well she was at least more supportive, encouraging, somewhat understanding (felt like in a bit of a “limited” way, which was frustrating for me) and definitely very nice, but it was a “limited” thing (like literally, cos of it being a certain number of sessions only) so that put a lot of pressure on me for sure. I feel like I did very well with everything she gave me to do and think of, but that now what I really need is someone like how I described needing above - someone who is able to “see me clearly” and who can and will help me better understand why I might have such self-destructive tendencies in the first place, and how the heck I can manage them well enough that they will not continue to sabotage my life.

Anyway, thank you so much again for everything you said there, I appreciate ALL of it, for sure!

 

[JMG]

I'm sorry you are in an intense place again with grieving. It's a common thing to have feelings show up again even when you think you've worked something out completely. Peeling the layers of the onion.... It's just another layer and it's come up for you to take a look at and walk through. Your sister is a deeply important part of your life and the changes like distance have stirred more up. You did and are doing good work. Your spending physical time with her is also bringing some things up and out, And btw you didn't lose what you had processed before, this is just another piece of it and possibly your inner self feels you can go through it, desires it, to get the clarity and peace you want.

Thank you so much for all these kind, thoughtful and understanding things you have said here Livelife, I appreciate it all so much! I really appreciate you saying you’re sorry I’m in an intense place like this, that will help me a lot to “hold onto that” in the coming days and weeks if my mind even so much as tries to say to me “no one “really” sees, knows or cares about your thoughts, feelings or experience” or that I am alone and the “only one” who knows or feels this particular way. Ya my mind can be way too harsh, unfair and kinda dramatic about things.

Thank you for the reminder that it is a normal and natural thing that feelings of grief can show up again sometimes even when you feel like you have “already dealt with them”. Ya I do seem to kinda easily “lose sight” of that fact sometimes, I really wish I was much better able to “remind myself of that” but I will make a note for myself and put it right beside my bed to “remind, reassure and comfort me” every night, so hopefully that will help me be far more “self-sufficient” with this kind of thing, which I am always striving to do.

Excellent analogy of the onion and the peeling back of layers thing too, it’s so true! Ya, like there are “some” aspects of the “grieving” that I feel I “have” more or less dealt with and accepted, and it is only these other “aspects” of that that I am now trying to have a deeper reconciliation with. Yes, absolutely, that makes so much sense. My mind isn’t “punishing me” by causing me to suddenly be making this “come up” again, it is helping me process it in a deeper, more absolute, powerful and healing kind of way Ok, well when thinking of it that way, wow, what a relief. I was worried maybe I was being a bit “self-destructive” but maybe that isn’t really what it’s about at all, and is ultimately about helping me have a “deeper healing” with it. That is a really excellent thing then, and nothing for me to feel fearful/afraid of, but grateful for!

Yes, you’re absolutely right in saying my sis is a very important part of my life. I really appreciate you saying that you think I did and am doing good work with it. I suppose I was also feeling afraid of that too, like my mind was again trying to undermine me a bit and questioning how much progress I had “really made” with being accepting about all this happening and having found peace with it. But ya, I need to have a lot less self doubt with that and a lot more faith in myself (and life) that it is not a sign that those feelings of acceptance about it “weren’t real” but just that they are a bit more complex than simply checking them off a checklist as “dealt with and done, the end” because feelings often don’t really “work that way”.

It’s so interesting what you said about it being a good thing that I am spending some physical time with her, because I actually felt a LOT of resistance to even coming here at all this time. I came mostly because of my mom. She had never seen their house, or this area before, and when we go home, it would be too confusing for her to figure out where to catch the buses we need to take. It’s important that I show her how to do all that. I’ve been feeling unsure of “whether I ever want to come back here again” after this visit, but now, well yes, I think I do want to. There has just been a lot of fear and uncertainty this year and that has been blocking my mind from being much more clear, open and free. I will not allow fear to cloud it from being clear about things, no way I’m better than that, and my forcing myself to come here (to visit with her I mean) this time is proof of my ability to “do that” I think.

Omg, this reply is so long, sorry about that! It will most certainly be quite overwhelming to read all this. Ok, I will wrap it up now - thank you so much for those wise words you said at the end about this just being another “piece” of what I felt I had perhaps processed already. You’re so right, the feelings simply “coming up again” don’t take away from the other effort and progress I have made. It seeks only to deepen the absolution of it. Yes, to get the clarity and peace I am wanting/needing. I know I’ve already said it one or more times in this reply, but thank you again, truly!

 

[Livelife]

Thank you so much for all these kind, thoughtful and understanding things you have said here Livelife, I appreciate it all so much! I really appreciate you saying you’re sorry I’m in an intense place like this, that will help me a lot to “hold onto that” in the coming days and weeks if my mind even so much as tries to say to me “no one “really” sees, knows or cares about your thoughts, feelings or experience” or that I am alone and the “only one” who knows or feels this particular way. Ya my mind can be way too harsh, unfair and kinda dramatic about things.

Thank you for the reminder that it is a normal and natural thing that feelings of grief can show up again sometimes even when you feel like you have “already dealt with them”. Ya I do seem to kinda easily “lose sight” of that fact sometimes, I really wish I was much better able to “remind myself of that” but I will make a note for myself and put it right beside my bed to “remind, reassure and comfort me” every night, so hopefully that will help me be far more “self-sufficient” with this kind of thing, which I am always striving to do.

Excellent analogy of the onion and the peeling back of layers thing too, it’s so true! Ya, like there are “some” aspects of the “grieving” that I feel I “have” more or less dealt with and accepted, and it is only these other “aspects” of that that I am now trying to have a deeper reconciliation with. Yes, absolutely, that makes so much sense. My mind isn’t “punishing me” by causing me to suddenly be making this “come up” again, it is helping me process it in a deeper, more absolute, powerful and healing kind of way Ok, well when thinking of it that way, wow, what a relief. I was worried maybe I was being a bit “self-destructive” but maybe that isn’t really what it’s about at all, and is ultimately about helping me have a “deeper healing” with it. That is a really excellent thing then, and nothing for me to feel fearful/afraid of, but grateful for!

Yes, you’re absolutely right in saying my sis is a very important part of my life. I really appreciate you saying that you think I did and am doing good work with it. I suppose I was also feeling afraid of that too, like my mind was again trying to undermine me a bit and questioning how much progress I had “really made” with being accepting about all this happening and having found peace with it. But ya, I need to have a lot less self doubt with that and a lot more faith in myself (and life) that it is not a sign that those feelings of acceptance about it “weren’t real” but just that they are a bit more complex than simply checking them off a checklist as “dealt with and done, the end” because feelings often don’t really “work that way”.

It’s so interesting what you said about it being a good thing that I am spending some physical time with her, because I actually felt a LOT of resistance to even coming here at all this time. I came mostly because of my mom. She had never seen their house, or this area before, and when we go home, it would be too confusing for her to figure out where to catch the buses we need to take. It’s important that I show her how to do all that. I’ve been feeling unsure of “whether I ever want to come back here again” after this visit, but now, well yes, I think I do want to. There has just been a lot of fear and uncertainty this year and that has been blocking my mind from being much more clear, open and free. I will not allow fear to cloud it from being clear about things, no way I’m better than that, and my forcing myself to come here (to visit with her I mean) this time is proof of my ability to “do that” I think.

Omg, this reply is so long, sorry about that! It will most certainly be quite overwhelming to read all this. Ok, I will wrap it up now - thank you so much for those wise words you said at the end about this just being another “piece” of what I felt I had perhaps processed already. You’re so right, the feelings simply “coming up again” don’t take away from the other effort and progress I have made. It seeks only to deepen the absolution of it. Yes, to get the clarity and peace I am wanting/needing. I know I’ve already said it one or more times in this reply, but thank you again, truly!

☺️

 

[MisterBGone]

So, one of the important messages, or points, in this book I've been reading (sort of off & on) about the subjec,t or topic of, "Grief" is that . . . it is the grieving (process) of / or over; what has been 'lost.' So in other words: what could have been - from a positive spin, or sense & (then) standpoint. If that makes sense? It's been a little while since I've delved in, and so, my mind may be a bit rusty in & of it~ / in order to: try & relay it now, to you. So instead of the focus, being entirely on all of the loss of whatever from the view of the negative. It is more about, let's say it was a spouce or something like that, and you had just gotten married. Then they died, for whatever reason. It is about suffering over the lost future with them. And all that could have been, sort of a thing. So i n this way, as others have said, it only makes sense then, that it will not be a straight path. With no set-backs/or relapses. How ever you want to think of them~ */> So, if we can then accept that - then maybe we could not be so harsh or critical & scathing with our own selves, an din our own self thought, or thinking. /With regards how we view things from our own standpoint, and as well as, societu's ecxpetcations to or as a larger c9oncetpt & of, a "whole.
In not so short- >tjen, there's no set time limit,o r constraints on it. The lenght or prolonging of the period. For it is, whatever it takes, no two processes or experiences will likely be the same, and this one seems kind of unique, and the feeling is all or onlyy too universla from within your self, and your own sould. For what, or because of, what she represents,a nd what she measn to you. In another light, it can also be like, when you have a best firend, and then they go & get involved in a very seerious romantic relationship. And sucddenly you are now left out & feeling like a third wheel in the cold on many of those same evening,s times & xircumstances -- whereas before, perhaps: yuo were ab it more includede,and a big part of their lives. Now you feel, more of an or as an, 'Accesory!' Replaced, and therefore - not (as ) needed. (^;_Yup? Ai'nt life GRAND!
Actually, that exact scenario has not played out too often with me.But I can see how for some otehrs, it can. And the feeling or emotion is so close to what some others I have felt & has been expressed, or experienced; taht I feel or find that it is noteworyth & worht y of noting here to you now. ANd mabye perhaps you can relate (not that it necessarily needs, further dissection; or autopsying of the matter, done & so on...)
I will try to come back to the other part later, if I can, and if I will actually remember! If not, and it's still something that's botehring you (on the therapy & self-critiques) then hit me up in the {gm._l_rm.} peace* i'm outta here^!_).