I ended up here on SF a year or so after being diagnosed with progressive congestive heart failure. Had lost the ability to work anymore, gone from $125k+/ year job to disability to support family on, and my entire life seemingly consisted of medications and hospital visits. Since there is no cure - it is 100% chronic and ultimately 100% terminal there did not seem like a lot of reason to live at all, much less to be happy. In addition, it happened as an incidental side issue to have an inoperable aneurysm in brain that causes near constant migraines, so aside from literally drowning in fluid buildup in lungs / chest cavity I get to deal with near constant intense migraine that someday will rupture and I will die within minutes. Both of these issues were the apparent result of me being too stupid or too stubborn to take a simple blood pressure pill 1x day….
In the last 7 years I have had kidney and liver issues caused by the meds that I take for the other issues, last spring was on dialysis for a while until they removed one kidney that had completely stopped working but by removing that one the other could work properly, and had a stroke a year ago October, and am on a mostly liquid diet to control the ulcer in stomach caused by gastroparesis (it takes me about 10x as long to digest food as typical so I have to eat concentrated nutrients or starve as well as intense pain if eat the wrong things).
On bad days I hate my life and get incredibly pissed off reading about things that seem more like minor inconveniences than actual medical issues to me. Those days happen maybe 1x or 2x a month now where they used to be 28x a month before I had near as many issues even. The difference is after dealing with for years it is obvious that there is in fact a huge difference in good days and bad days and nearly universally the really bad shitty days have far less to do with my health and more to do with my attitude about it. In my many many many hospital visits I have met people far healthier than me that complain far more and with little or no reason- literally claiming suicidal depressed because need to take a pill a day for a virtually normal life and others that are far worse than I and have been bed ridden for months that are a blast to talk to and joke with.
It is really easy to say that all is out of your control and cannot be resolved - but it is also pure crap, because the only thing that matters with quality of life is your mood - and that is 100% controlled by the individual. If you are unhappy because of a broken nail that stings then you are unhappy- period. Does not matter if others do not understand the issue- you are still not happy. And if you are paralyzed from the neck down and in constant pain but are smiling and laughing through it then you are happy and things are really not too bad.
I have discovered in the last 8-9 years that physical health is meaningless - that the only thing that really matters is how you feel about life at any given point in time. I can make a lot of great sounding excuses for when I am in a shit mood and want to die rather than see tomorrow - but in the end it is what I am thinking and feeling that effects my quality of life and I actually have a huge amount of control over that- based on what I do with my time, what things I choose to fixate on, what music I decide to listen to- and whether I decide to indulge in a depressed and crap mood or enjoy feeling bad (yes, it is absolutely a choice to decide and lie in bed listening to depressing music and claim it is "coping" when i know full well it will make me sad and feel worse - yet I still on occasion choose to do it- choice) because sometimes it feels nice to feel bad. The difference is , I figured out it is a choice and that I can also choose to feel something different by choosing not to lie in bed or choosing to watch/read/listen to not depressing things and surround myself with positive and happy instead.
I cannot choose to be healthy and to be as physically capable as I used to be, but I can choose how to react to it and while not every day is great, I can make sure that not every day is shitty too- simply by choosing what I do and what I will think about. Physical health is nice and it is important, but the quality of life is far more an issue with mental health and state of mind.
In the last 7 years I have had kidney and liver issues caused by the meds that I take for the other issues, last spring was on dialysis for a while until they removed one kidney that had completely stopped working but by removing that one the other could work properly, and had a stroke a year ago October, and am on a mostly liquid diet to control the ulcer in stomach caused by gastroparesis (it takes me about 10x as long to digest food as typical so I have to eat concentrated nutrients or starve as well as intense pain if eat the wrong things).
On bad days I hate my life and get incredibly pissed off reading about things that seem more like minor inconveniences than actual medical issues to me. Those days happen maybe 1x or 2x a month now where they used to be 28x a month before I had near as many issues even. The difference is after dealing with for years it is obvious that there is in fact a huge difference in good days and bad days and nearly universally the really bad shitty days have far less to do with my health and more to do with my attitude about it. In my many many many hospital visits I have met people far healthier than me that complain far more and with little or no reason- literally claiming suicidal depressed because need to take a pill a day for a virtually normal life and others that are far worse than I and have been bed ridden for months that are a blast to talk to and joke with.
It is really easy to say that all is out of your control and cannot be resolved - but it is also pure crap, because the only thing that matters with quality of life is your mood - and that is 100% controlled by the individual. If you are unhappy because of a broken nail that stings then you are unhappy- period. Does not matter if others do not understand the issue- you are still not happy. And if you are paralyzed from the neck down and in constant pain but are smiling and laughing through it then you are happy and things are really not too bad.
I have discovered in the last 8-9 years that physical health is meaningless - that the only thing that really matters is how you feel about life at any given point in time. I can make a lot of great sounding excuses for when I am in a shit mood and want to die rather than see tomorrow - but in the end it is what I am thinking and feeling that effects my quality of life and I actually have a huge amount of control over that- based on what I do with my time, what things I choose to fixate on, what music I decide to listen to- and whether I decide to indulge in a depressed and crap mood or enjoy feeling bad (yes, it is absolutely a choice to decide and lie in bed listening to depressing music and claim it is "coping" when i know full well it will make me sad and feel worse - yet I still on occasion choose to do it- choice) because sometimes it feels nice to feel bad. The difference is , I figured out it is a choice and that I can also choose to feel something different by choosing not to lie in bed or choosing to watch/read/listen to not depressing things and surround myself with positive and happy instead.
I cannot choose to be healthy and to be as physically capable as I used to be, but I can choose how to react to it and while not every day is great, I can make sure that not every day is shitty too- simply by choosing what I do and what I will think about. Physical health is nice and it is important, but the quality of life is far more an issue with mental health and state of mind.
