Hiding true feelings of self hatred

[Ksara]

Ive been trying to push all the feelings down. its been hard. sometimes im ok and the next minute I get emotional. I really want to go ahead with the police. its the only way to make sure it doesn't happen again. ive never been able to have any justice for the bad things that happened growing up but this I have a choice. I know I really want to, but its so hard. it scares me and makes me feel awful to think im going have to talk about what happened. Im scared I will breakdown. the thought of going to court and having to answer questions about the worst time in my life. I don't know how people do it.

its a battle in my head. one minute I think im going to do it and the next I feel so low that I start to think its all my fault. I go over everything again and again. I don't tell people but I feel really ashamed. I feel disgusted with myself for letting it happen and for not being able to stop it. I don't want to keep it inside. it feels like im driving myself made. its been hard to cope. I have fallen back on negative coping methods. drink and food is out of control. Im trying to get a grip and stop but its hard to be in a house where so many things happened.

I feel like although I have support from services, I feel alone.

 

[Myaing]

I don't know what happened, but if someone has hurt you, it can not be your fault. Demand justice. I know how exactly difficult it can be to tell someone.
Try not to hold too much, or even better any emotions back. That's why its difficult to stay in one mood. What you are holding back surfaces, sooner or latter.

 

[Callousgirl]

@Ksara

Hey Sara. Sorry that your feeling this way. I am confused if your having a problem with the police or you need help from the police. It looks like something has happened to you and it has gotten the attention of the police department. Nobody should feel ashamed or feel guilty when someone or some people do something so evil that the police is doing something. We in this community wants to help you and give you a positive way to deal with coping.

Girl Hugs

 

[Ksara]

I was in a bad situation with a guy. I couldn't protect myself and the police got involved. they need me to give evidence but I have found it difficult. I couldn't of stopped it myself and im grateful for that but now theres pressure on me. its been a really difficult time. I don't cope well. I blame myself for not stopping it. I feel wrong in myself, like something has been taken away. I don't feel very strong.

 

[Callousgirl]

@Ksara

Sorry that you were attacked by an man, and do not feel ashamed or weak that you were attacked. Sara, my friend, we are both equally strong, and do not feel your not a strong woman. Women work together and use our personal strength, and we work as teammates. Do not feel alone girl, we as a community are with you and we support you.

 

[Ksara]

I cant do this. im falling apart and theres no one to help me. I am all alone. I cant believe I got to this age and have no one. I am really struggling. no one good wants to know, im a burden. I don't want to live like this. ive messed up so badly. from abusive family to abusive relationships. I mean nothing. I don't matter. I walk down the street and I feel like a ghost. I want to give up so badly. I don't have a place here on earth. I need to end things, finally and forever. I cant do this alone. its too much.

 

[Ksara]

I feel alone on this forum at the moment. I wish I didn't need it but im reaching out to anyone.

 

[BlueGreen]

I feel alone on this forum at the moment. I wish I didn't need it but im reaching out to anyone.

I'm so sorry @Ksara. You DO matter. You were attacked, you didn't harm anyone, it's not your fault. You know you couldn't have stopped him, so please don't give up. I'm sorry but it seems to be very quiet on the forum today but you are needed here and you matter here. You will get through this situation, it won't go on forever. Is there a professional you can talk to or be referred to? Do you feel able to tell anyone that you are struggling?

 

[Ksara]

I need help. another phone call from the police and im in bits. they make it sound so matter of fact but its so hard. its like they don't see how badly it effects me. I just want to die tonight. im done. I cant take more

 

[JDot]

for the police it's just another day on the job. they need the facts to get things straight. but you relive the horror each time you have to tell the story. once the court case is over the healing will begin. you show true bravery by standing up against him. and the fact that you endure this proves you are strong.

 

[Ksara]

but court is going to be months. so many people will hear what he said. I feel humiliated. everything he did will be heard. I feel disgusting. I spend everyday trying to stay drunk. I just don't want to relive it. I haven't told anyone what actually happened. its so mortifying. I just want it to be over. Im not strong. I don't know how im still here.

 

[Ksara]

im done. I am holding on by a thread, I can take more

 

[Ksara]

I messed up big time. the police called again last night but I was drunk. I have no memory of what I said. I can see I was on the phone for quite a while but I don't remember any of it. I am too nervous to ring and ask them what happened just in case I have said something I shouldn't. I cant believe it, I was doing so well holding back from them.

 

[JDot]

have you thought about seeing a therapist about this. i know you can't talk about what exactly happened. but you can work on your feelings surrounding it and how you cope with it.

 

[Ksara]

I cant. the police have access to all my medical records and notes. if I say anything it goes as evidence.

 

[JDot]

that's terrible. they should know you need help through this. there should be some kind of court ordered confidential counselor you're allowed to talk to. or give you some kind of pamphlet about how to get through this. or something. even the smallest thing. i'm sorry you have to go through this. stick with us. we'll get through this sure enough.

 

[Ksara]

I have an outreach worker and an ISVA worker but they work with the police so im careful what I say. so many places say they will tell the police because of safeguarding. I feel very alone with this.

 

[Petal]

Spending every day wanting to be drunk is the worst thing you could possibly do. It will make you even more depressed and make you anxious and on edge all the time. Self medicating is not the solution.

I think you should confide in another professional about whether or not you should go to the police, don't feel what happened was your fault , no ifs/buts, it was NOT your fault in any way shape or form.

I understand you feel so alone, SF is here to support you all the way