Hiding

[RCee]

I'm eaither eating myself to death at weeks at a time or going without food or drink to somehow punishing myself for being alive.

I come in these forums look around add to posts make threads of my own talking only about the tiniest issues I go through.

I go onto the chat here making small talk and sometimes opening up. Telling everyone I am getting better.

Thinking I know how to help others because I have learned to help myself only to know that is a lie

I say it's physical pain, which I am in! I say it's my financial situation, which it is. My living situation, my depression. My birthday which is days away, and me getting older.

I'm still hiding , self depricating , self loathing , self harming thinking I'm worthless and scum and knowing better saying I'm worthless and constant negative thoughts and knowing what I am doing is wrong.

It has been 7 years since my son has left my world. He was only 8 ............. I hate myself for being here I hate myself for getting older without him.....I hate myself I birthed him so I must of made this happen ... he was so innocent and never had a chance.....

I'm just going to put up another front and a fake smile I am not ok ,but what else can I do

So I just come on to this site look around read some and go on chat and pretend it's halfway okay ...... my birthday is in a few days.....I don't want to see past that it gets too hard every year ...

I'm still here... why

 

[Bassettherapy]

Oh sweety I can't even imagine. My heart breaks for you. I am not sure I could live through what you have. You are strong. I have no words other than I will be here if you need to talk through anything ever.

 

[Petal]

Hi there, your post touched my heart. I feel so sorry for you, you should be able to be open and honest without anyone judging you and let us see 'you'''

So sorry you lost your precious son, he would not wan you to feel this way even though he was only 8. He would want you to be happy, I hope you are able to get through your birthday safely and soundly. You deserve the best chance of recovering just like anyone else, are you in therapy? If not, I think it would be a good idea. You can do this

 

[Walker]

I really can't say anything about this post. (Seems there have been a few in the last day. Is it me or are the posts just ... too much?) I'm sorry you're in such a bad place. Your son would want you to be living a happy life, I do know that. I'm so sorry. I wish I could say something useful, I'm all outta words. {{{hugs}}}

 

[Winter Blues]

Dear RCee, I cannot begin to imagine the pain these last years have brought you. There are no words that will truly take away your pain. No parent should go through this. I’m just sending love ... oodles of it and enormous hugs. Always here for you sweetheart - take care xx

 

[RCee]

Hi there, your post touched my heart. I feel so sorry for you, you should be able to be open and honest without anyone judging you and let us see 'you'''

So sorry you lost your precious son, he would not wan you to feel this way even though he was only 8. He would want you to be happy, I hope you are able to get through your birthday safely and soundly. You deserve the best chance of recovering just like anyone else, are you in therapy? If not, I think it would be a good idea. You can do this

No , no therapy this time around have been in therapy in and out since I was 8 for different reasons

I hate the melt down and closest to talking about it has been here. I feel weak when I talk it’s too real when I try and pretend it’s not.

Emotions are beyond any understanding my brain can comprehend

 

[RCee]

Oh sweety I can't even imagine. My heart breaks for you. I am not sure I could live through what you have. You are strong. I have no words other than I will be here if you need to talk through anything ever.

Reaponding to the posts people have replied here I’m at work and I have this sappy song playing in the background keeping tears at bay , I work at nights sometimes and I’m all alone that’s when I come here I know I should talk about it more I just hate the emotions

 

[Winter Blues]

Reaponding to the posts people have replied here I’m at work and I have this sappy song playing in the background keeping tears at bay , I work at nights sometimes and I’m all alone that’s when I come here I know I should talk about it more I just hate the emotions

Keep coming here though please RCee, so we can see you xxx

 

[Sassy Cat]

Hugs so sorry hun. We are here for you.

 

[RCee]

I just want to die and I feel like I made a horrible mistake and error of judgment ....I’m aorry

 

[Walker]

about what?

 

[RCee]

Very low moment I had @walkerbait95. Thank you for being there I’m going to try and go about my day thank you and my birthday is the 15th of March

 

[Walker]

Hmmm... ok. Have a good day. Take care.