roughly about 2 to 3 years ago i started have bad reactions to the antipsychotic i was on (Risperadal) which i was taking for everything from my bipolar type 1 (with psychotic features) diagnosis, my borderline personality, my history of self harm, ED and panic disorder (the SH and ED related mostly to my BPD). the reaction started almost invisibly, a strange muscle contractions in my neck and chattering teeth, but they progressed to full blown askesia and dystonia as well as other hells. meds were changed but things always got worse from one antipsychotic to the next progressing to where i am now having tried almost all antipsychotics save haldol, thorazine and zyprexa which i won't touch (you would have to put me in four point restraints and give me forced injections for me to ever take those meds, and once i was released i would do everything possible to get some payback). for a while life without the antipsychotics was bearable, i could control or at least sort through the thoughts that race through my head and when things were really bad there were and is always my klonopine. but things are getting worse, the thoughts are getting scary and out of control, malevolent even outright violent, as chaotic as a Jackson Pollack painting and as disturbing as the twisted paintings of Francis Bacon. the Klonopine still works but i am having to take more and more, i hate the med, i hate all benzos, they make me fuzzy and they are very addictive which is bad (i am a recovering addict) and at the moment i am definitely becoming physically addicted (thank god not mentally). to make things worse all this is further feeding my BDP and Panic Disorder, i can't make a decent living and i am becoming more and more isolated in my illness and disorders (i am really going crazy), i am at a loss, i was just forced to change pdocs, my last pdoc helped a lot and we discovered ADD meds helped the thoughts, not get rid of them but at least give me enough focus to sort out what was real and what wasn't. unfortunately all good things come to an end, as i would not take an oral ADD med (ritilan and Aderal are both amphetamines and i kinda like stimulants A Lot we chose on a transdermal delivery system (the Daytrana patch), but after a dosage change i was spent spiraling into a really bad manic mixed state. shortly after i was forced to change doctors and my present pdoc seems to have her own agenda regarding my treatment. prescribing meds my insurance won't cover, prescribing meds i tell her i know i will react badly to and then scolding and chastising me when i react badly and insist i can't take the side effects (as if it my fault i won't tolerate being lobotomized by a medication, that i can't function if my central nervous system freaks out and loses control). i want to scream at her that i won't sacrifice my quality of life for a pill, that i don't believe in taking one med just to control the side effects of another as if i am being picky, then throwing my ass in the psych ward when things spin out of control. do the doctors understand if ones quality of life becomes so bad, that the treatment is worse than the disorder it is only natural for me to eventually resort to drastic means to make it stop. i am coming to believe my doctor doesn't give a crap about my quality of life or how i feel, she is more concerned covering her ass in regard to if something bad happens...
this isn't worth it, my career has been ruined, the girl i was going to marry and start a family with died just a year of the new millennium, my savings and inheritance is gone paying for treatment and medical bills, what do these idiots expect me to do, suffering is suffering and i can only take so much...
r...
this isn't worth it, my career has been ruined, the girl i was going to marry and start a family with died just a year of the new millennium, my savings and inheritance is gone paying for treatment and medical bills, what do these idiots expect me to do, suffering is suffering and i can only take so much...
r...
