I am changed for the rest of my life because of whatever has happened. I am not necessarily talking about trauma , that may be healed with professional treatment and stuff. But , grief.
I always had a lot of love to give and when I was little gave it to wrong people , my uncle , mom.
But I just always have been like this. I love hard. This lol I was about to say , this sounds corny. But like this whole forum is supposed to be okay with all this so fuck it.
I have this constant fear of not being taken seriously , of being misunderstood because that's what happened in my childhood and it affected me so badly.
Anyways , so there's grief. And obviously it's real but talking about it is so fucking difficult because a) it's really personal and b) the same fear of not being taken seriously
So. I feel envious of people who are the standard version of charming. Which is , they are funny , loud , outgoing , welcoming , social.
Sad people have this aura that tells they are not okay. ( Not always but ) and that's not to say they are not pretty or whatever. The charm disappears though. I mean idk I feel it for me atleast.
This isn't fair. Is it? The world is built for one type of people. So that's the standard of being liked okay. What about the people who are not like this ? " They will find someone else , there's plenty of fish in the sea "
Yea okay but don't we have to search harder ? And don't we feel like an outcast? And what if we like someone who's the standard of " charming " but they don't like us back because we are not!
Wth humans are so fragile and so strong. We have built what not and yet our brain can't stand trauma. It changes forever because of grief.
And I wouldn't trade my grief. I just feel sad that world isn't inclusive and I am not saying everyone is like this but it just feels so excruciating for people to go " I like funny people " and for you to realise you're not funny or atleast not in a way where people get it.
And in my case , why do I even fucking care about what people think ? Why am I connecting my worth to them ?
Cause I am a human and I need some fucking human connection which is again so just , I don't like it. I don't like the need to have human connections.
It's so annoying. And there are multiple times where I am carrying the conversation and yet still I am not the standard but the person who wasn't carrying the conversation would be!
Lol. Should we all just suck it up , no maybe a majority is doing that. Should I suck it up too and act like I am happy all the time and crack weird jokes and
God , I want to be loved.
And I hate absolutely hate that I am asked to fit into some stupid standards for that to happen. No set standards , set standards I know it's your right and you should.
I just wish it wasn't so difficult for me.
I wish boredom was welcomed. I wish someone appreciated my uniqueness and deep talks.
And someone who did isn't here anymore.
So fuck this and fuck this life. People who have him don't even know how lucky they are.
It's rather I have been so incredibly lucky with people I met and loved and was loved by or so incredibly unlucky that now they all are gone.
I hate this.
I always had a lot of love to give and when I was little gave it to wrong people , my uncle , mom.
But I just always have been like this. I love hard. This lol I was about to say , this sounds corny. But like this whole forum is supposed to be okay with all this so fuck it.
I have this constant fear of not being taken seriously , of being misunderstood because that's what happened in my childhood and it affected me so badly.
Anyways , so there's grief. And obviously it's real but talking about it is so fucking difficult because a) it's really personal and b) the same fear of not being taken seriously
So. I feel envious of people who are the standard version of charming. Which is , they are funny , loud , outgoing , welcoming , social.
Sad people have this aura that tells they are not okay. ( Not always but ) and that's not to say they are not pretty or whatever. The charm disappears though. I mean idk I feel it for me atleast.
This isn't fair. Is it? The world is built for one type of people. So that's the standard of being liked okay. What about the people who are not like this ? " They will find someone else , there's plenty of fish in the sea "
Yea okay but don't we have to search harder ? And don't we feel like an outcast? And what if we like someone who's the standard of " charming " but they don't like us back because we are not!
Wth humans are so fragile and so strong. We have built what not and yet our brain can't stand trauma. It changes forever because of grief.
And I wouldn't trade my grief. I just feel sad that world isn't inclusive and I am not saying everyone is like this but it just feels so excruciating for people to go " I like funny people " and for you to realise you're not funny or atleast not in a way where people get it.
And in my case , why do I even fucking care about what people think ? Why am I connecting my worth to them ?
Cause I am a human and I need some fucking human connection which is again so just , I don't like it. I don't like the need to have human connections.
It's so annoying. And there are multiple times where I am carrying the conversation and yet still I am not the standard but the person who wasn't carrying the conversation would be!
Lol. Should we all just suck it up , no maybe a majority is doing that. Should I suck it up too and act like I am happy all the time and crack weird jokes and
God , I want to be loved.
And I hate absolutely hate that I am asked to fit into some stupid standards for that to happen. No set standards , set standards I know it's your right and you should.
I just wish it wasn't so difficult for me.
I wish boredom was welcomed. I wish someone appreciated my uniqueness and deep talks.
And someone who did isn't here anymore.
So fuck this and fuck this life. People who have him don't even know how lucky they are.
It's rather I have been so incredibly lucky with people I met and loved and was loved by or so incredibly unlucky that now they all are gone.
I hate this.