The only reason I'm staying in this world is because I'm too cowardly to attempt ending my own life. I'm almost sure my attempt will fail and instead something I'm scared of will happen to me.
I hate this world so much. Existing is such a pain. I don't even feel like describing the amount of suffering I have to go through every single day. My head never shuts up and anything can trigger me. I can pick triggers where there are none. I'm so ridiculous. I don't feel like a human anymore.
Nothing ever makes me feel better. The word "relaxing" does not exist in my dictionary. More than 10 years of going from psychiatrist to another, from therapist to another, with no use. Not a single one could help me. Not a single med could help me. I lost count of the amount of meds they made me try all over these years. What the heck is even wrong with me?
The things I love don't provide me relief and more like cause me to suffer. I don't feel like I have anything by my side. Not even Music can help.
I don't have a single human being by my side. My social circle basically consists of three family members and everyone else (a very small amount of persons) is just another human being who I don't feel comfortable around and who I sometimes wish I have never known even if they consider me a friend. I don't feel comfortable around my three family members either and sometimes I wish to die so I will never see them or show them my face again. I'm unfortunately very dependent on them despite what I have just said and can barely do anything on my own. I live like a child but have an adult age. How pathetic.
I have no one who makes me feel safe. I don't remember the last time I had someone in my life who I enjoyed being around and loved receiving hugs from. I have felt extreme loneliness for almost all of my life. Talking to people from the internet doesn't help me anymore. I have become strangely distant and I know the moment I feel attached to someone both of us are going to suffer. I know anyway that I don't belong on the Internet. I'm out of place no matter where you put me. I have never even felt at home in my own home or space.
I desperately need someone to consider my older brother figure. This is the one problem I have that causes me the most pain and suffering and the source of most of my triggers. The one problem I really want to disappear along with. I'm not going into more details about this because this is a very sensitive subject and any response I get to this has a very high chance of triggering me. I'm starting to lose hope that I will ever have a Big Brother. My standards are very high and I need a miracle. Anyway, how am I even gonna find a Big Brother when I have complicated communication problems?
I have needed a Big Brother hug so bad for so many years... Even something that simple I can't have.
I don't see dying as a dark thing as others do. It's a beautiful thing to me. I don't find life worth it at all. I don't care if I'm talented and intelligent, if I have several dreams I'd like to achieve or if "it'll be a waste if somebody like me were gone" like this last psychiatric I saw just earlier this week has said. I'd honestly be happy to throw all this away and die. I also believe I will finally have a Big Brother after I go to the other world. And if I don't? That's fine with me, I guess. Anything is better than this life. I'm happy to become nothingness. Wouldn't it be wonderful to take the huge amount of my stupid problems along with my stupid negative annoying self and disappear from this world?
In all these 24 years I have lived (I know it's an insignificant time to be alive, but it honestly feels so so painfully long to me), I don't have a beautiful memory that I cling to. I don't have a "time that was better." I wish myself death all the time. I wish I would just "magically die on my own." I go to sleep everyday hoping from the depth of my heart that I will never wake up in this world again. Yet I still do. Why do I have to be such a coward?
I hate this world so much. Existing is such a pain. I don't even feel like describing the amount of suffering I have to go through every single day. My head never shuts up and anything can trigger me. I can pick triggers where there are none. I'm so ridiculous. I don't feel like a human anymore.
Nothing ever makes me feel better. The word "relaxing" does not exist in my dictionary. More than 10 years of going from psychiatrist to another, from therapist to another, with no use. Not a single one could help me. Not a single med could help me. I lost count of the amount of meds they made me try all over these years. What the heck is even wrong with me?
The things I love don't provide me relief and more like cause me to suffer. I don't feel like I have anything by my side. Not even Music can help.
I don't have a single human being by my side. My social circle basically consists of three family members and everyone else (a very small amount of persons) is just another human being who I don't feel comfortable around and who I sometimes wish I have never known even if they consider me a friend. I don't feel comfortable around my three family members either and sometimes I wish to die so I will never see them or show them my face again. I'm unfortunately very dependent on them despite what I have just said and can barely do anything on my own. I live like a child but have an adult age. How pathetic.
I have no one who makes me feel safe. I don't remember the last time I had someone in my life who I enjoyed being around and loved receiving hugs from. I have felt extreme loneliness for almost all of my life. Talking to people from the internet doesn't help me anymore. I have become strangely distant and I know the moment I feel attached to someone both of us are going to suffer. I know anyway that I don't belong on the Internet. I'm out of place no matter where you put me. I have never even felt at home in my own home or space.
I desperately need someone to consider my older brother figure. This is the one problem I have that causes me the most pain and suffering and the source of most of my triggers. The one problem I really want to disappear along with. I'm not going into more details about this because this is a very sensitive subject and any response I get to this has a very high chance of triggering me. I'm starting to lose hope that I will ever have a Big Brother. My standards are very high and I need a miracle. Anyway, how am I even gonna find a Big Brother when I have complicated communication problems?
I have needed a Big Brother hug so bad for so many years... Even something that simple I can't have.
I don't see dying as a dark thing as others do. It's a beautiful thing to me. I don't find life worth it at all. I don't care if I'm talented and intelligent, if I have several dreams I'd like to achieve or if "it'll be a waste if somebody like me were gone" like this last psychiatric I saw just earlier this week has said. I'd honestly be happy to throw all this away and die. I also believe I will finally have a Big Brother after I go to the other world. And if I don't? That's fine with me, I guess. Anything is better than this life. I'm happy to become nothingness. Wouldn't it be wonderful to take the huge amount of my stupid problems along with my stupid negative annoying self and disappear from this world?
In all these 24 years I have lived (I know it's an insignificant time to be alive, but it honestly feels so so painfully long to me), I don't have a beautiful memory that I cling to. I don't have a "time that was better." I wish myself death all the time. I wish I would just "magically die on my own." I go to sleep everyday hoping from the depth of my heart that I will never wake up in this world again. Yet I still do. Why do I have to be such a coward?
