I feel Selfish for feeling this way.

[s.0.u.L]

(Apologies of things look offside, I am new)

Well, where to start. My mom's a single mother who can't afford to fix me because she has three mouths to feed. My father is the most present deadbeat you will ever meet. There for the cameras, gone for the milk whenever he actually needs to be a dad. And my entire family on his side supports him. I am burnt out, heavily. Heck, I forgot my choreo for a show I was doing today because of how badly I am dissociating. I don't feel real, I am severely depressed, flopping school, have recently diagnosed unmedicated ADHD cause I can't pay. How I know I am tipping over the edge again is that I stopped listening to music and I can't write anything poetic right now. And I have to submit writing to this competition which is really my only hope in getting the money to get help. And I've been feeling this way mean while you have people who have survived so much worse than I have and I am here, craving death at the slightest inconvenience. I have written my will and my ss letters already, but I doubt I am going to go through with it. I have too many people riding of me. But life has nothing else to offer me. I am tired and I am done. I don't care for potential or positivity anymore. I don't hope, I don't cry, or empathise or sympathise or feel. Everything that makes me alive has already been stripped from me. All that's left is my breath.

 

[may71]

Hello and welcome to SF

And I've been feeling this way mean while you have people who have survived so much worse than I have and I am here, craving death at the slightest inconvenience

You don't have to have things worse than anybody else for your problems to be real and deserving of a little sympathy.

My mom's a single mother who can't afford to fix me because she has three mouths to feed

There might be some resources or self-treatment methods you could use if you don't have money.

I hope things can get better for you somehow

 

[s.0.u.L]

Hello and welcome to SF

You don't have to have things worse than anybody else for your problems to be real and deserving of a little sympathy.

There might be some resources or self-treatment methods you could use if you don't have money.

I hope things can get better for you somehow

HI may

Thank you, I appreciate it. Its really hard to think you matter when trying to ask for help always feels like treking a mountain without supplies. I have tried self treatment methods but it always ends up falling flat for me with how much I do.

 

[may71]

You're welcome!
I'm sorry getting help has been such a struggle.

I have tried self treatment methods but it always ends up falling flat for me with how much I do.

You're welcome to say what happened if you'd like.

 

[s.0.u.L]

There's a lot that's happened in the past seven years that have made me just give up asking for help because everytime I do, I get dismissed. I've told my mom many times that I want to die, and each time, I get a lecture about how I'm never gonna survive the real world because these are small issues now and life will show me flames, then she tells me about something thay happened to her (which I won't minimise at all, my mother has gone through a lot), and how sensitive I am, then she ignores it till the next time I tell her I need help. If its not academic help I need? I'm not getting it. It always baffled me how quickly they were able to get me a tutor and I've spent more than 5 years without therapy.

Also, my mom thinks I'm faking, I'm sure. She thought I was faking my ADHD until I got diagnosed and then? Ignored it. Despite the fact that it is taking a toll on those precious marks she cares about. And I get why, from grade 1 to 3 I would fake being sick to get out of school, but I stopped because I started to enjoy school after that. I've broken bones three times and every single time, despite me crying from the pain, I wouldn't go to hospital until I couldn't walk. And every single time that x-rag came back, they would be surprised. Which again, is valid. Who's gonna believe a child who lies? That was when I was 8 (the lying part). I am 17, turning 18, now. And every time the doctor comes back with what I said it was, they act surprised.

Then there's also the constant reminder of how incompetant I am. Like yesterday, my friends were greeting my mom and she felt the need to mention that I've lost my two bank cards. I can't keep things well, my sense of time is shit, my working memory has gotten worse by the day, I often times don't do chores the way she wants me to, "Why can't you think?!". Which? Fairs honestly, but it really doesn't fucking help.

 

[s.0.u.L]

Sorry for ranting, that wasn't even what you were asking😭

 

[KM76710]

HI may

Thank you, I appreciate it. Its really hard to think you matter when trying to ask for help always feels like treking a mountain without supplies. I have tried self treatment methods but it always ends up falling flat for me with how much I do.

Welcome to the site. It can be hard but I am glad you are reaching out here where you have a spot and can post with us all you want or need.

 

[may71]

Sorry for ranting, that wasn't even what you were asking😭

There's nothing to be sorry about. If posting helped, then it was good.

 

[may71]

If its not academic help I need? I'm not getting it

I think a lot of parents think if things are going well academically for their child, then everything is ok. It's not true though.

Maybe your mom doesn't mean to make things worse, but telling you that what you're experiencing is nothing and that she's been through worse isn't really helping.

 

[miningforhope416]

I think a lot of parents think if things are going well academically for their child, then everything is ok. It's not true though.

Ah yes, it was the same for me

 

[s.0.u.L]

Welcome to the site. It can be hard but I am glad you are reaching out here where you have a spot and can post with us all you want or need.

Thank you

 

[s.0.u.L]

I think a lot of parents think if things are going well academically for their child, then everything is ok. It's not true though.

Maybe your mom doesn't mean to make things worse, but telling you that what you're experiencing is nothing and that she's been through worse isn't really helping.

It just contributes to feeling like I am actually just depressed for nothing

 

[may71]

I think your mom would rather just live in denial. It's inconvenient for you to be depressed, so she'd rather pretend that you're not. A reasonable parent is going to have a better reaction if their kid tells them they want to die.

And I have to submit writing to this competition which is really my only hope in getting the money to get help

I think you've probably got better options than relying on this writing competition.