i feel stuck

[raqtheforgettable]

my depression has been getting worse day after day. I'm dealing with cravings for substance abuse again, especially since things have gotten so stressful I feel so overwhelmed by my emotions. I don't have friends to talk to, and when i try to open up, I have people telling me i'm taking the good things for granted and that i'm being a downer and a burden. I can't take it anymore.
I find myself crying nonstop, and then doing nothing productive because of it, and then crying more because i'm doing nothing with my life.
I have a psychiatrist and a therapist currently, but i don't know how to tell them i'm getting more and more suicidal every day. It got to the point where I already know how I might do it and have researched how.
I'm scared of the mental hospital, especially since I have heard nothing but horror stories from people who have gone and my parents say that because of our insurance we wouldn't be able to afford it. My mom has even guilt tripped me for saying i'm suicidal, and screamed at me for how it would be nothing but useless and traumatizing and that i'm stupid for feeling the way I do.
i don't know what to do. Thing after thing keeps happening that's pushing me closer to attempting and it feels like there's absolutely nothing I can do about it. I can't tell my doctors or else i go to the hospital, but the hospital probably wouldn't do much anyways. So I'm stuck, and everything feels so pointless. Either i'm going to attempt or have a mental break.

 

[may71]

Sorry that things are getting worse.

I'm scared of the mental hospital, especially since I have heard nothing but horror stories from people who have gone

Hospitals in urban areas or basically any place where poor people go are often understaffed and overpopulated with patients. If you think there's some chance that you'll go to the hospital, you might want to research info about ones in your area.

the hospital probably wouldn't do much anyways

The main thing hospitals can do if you're suicidal is keep you safe.

My mom has even guilt tripped me for saying i'm suicidal, and screamed at me for how it would be nothing but useless and traumatizing and that i'm stupid for feeling the way I do.

That's awful. I wish she were more understanding.

I have a psychiatrist and a therapist currently, but i don't know how to tell them i'm getting more and more suicidal every day.

Maybe you could ask them about the issue of hospitalization without explicitly indicating you might need to go there soon.

I think you've started a new medication recently. Do you think it could be responsible for how you're feeling? If it's putting you at risk for an attempt, I hope you can at least tell your psychiatrist that you're feeling worse and maybe ask for a change.

While the hospital is generally best if you're suicidal, if you can't or won't go, if you can have family members or other loved ones watch you, that might be an alternative. That could be a problem though if your mother tends to yell and scream. Really only a hospital is equipped to keep a suicidal person safe though.

As for the the issue of affording the hospital stay, as long as you and not your parents are not going to be given the bill, you could simply not pay it if you don't have the money. There's only so much a bill collector can do if you're broke. It's also true though that if your insurance stops paying out, hospitals often have a tendency to decide you're well enough to be discharged.

 

[Widowedvegan]

my depression has been getting worse day after day. I'm dealing with cravings for substance abuse again, especially since things have gotten so stressful I feel so overwhelmed by my emotions. I don't have friends to talk to, and when i try to open up, I have people telling me i'm taking the good things for granted and that i'm being a downer and a burden. I can't take it anymore.
I find myself crying nonstop, and then doing nothing productive because of it, and then crying more because i'm doing nothing with my life.
I have a psychiatrist and a therapist currently, but i don't know how to tell them i'm getting more and more suicidal every day. It got to the point where I already know how I might do it and have researched how.
I'm scared of the mental hospital, especially since I have heard nothing but horror stories from people who have gone and my parents say that because of our insurance we wouldn't be able to afford it. My mom has even guilt tripped me for saying i'm suicidal, and screamed at me for how it would be nothing but useless and traumatizing and that i'm stupid for feeling the way I do.
i don't know what to do. Thing after thing keeps happening that's pushing me closer to attempting and it feels like there's absolutely nothing I can do about it. I can't tell my doctors or else i go to the hospital, but the hospital probably wouldn't do much anyways. So I'm stuck, and everything feels so pointless. Either i'm going to attempt or have a mental break.

You are going through Such a rough time right now and I am So very sorry…
I don’t have any words of wisdom for you, but I want you to know that I care…
Please hold on and keep reaching out…

 

[Lady Wolfshead]

I went to the hospital when I was suicidal and was committed to the psych ward for several days and it was the best thing that ever happened to me. It literally saved my life, and the nurses there encouraged me to continue to seek out medical specialists for the physical issue that was contributing to my being suicidal.

The thing you have to remember is the staff are there to help you, and if you cooperate they will generally try their best. I certainly encourage you to go if you are suicidal.

 

[SamB]

Maybe you could just show your therapist or psychiatrist your post. Or you could prepare what you want to say in advance and give it to them to read.
I think perhaps your mother is just overwhelmed by the situation and so concerned and fearful of losing you that she is unable to stay calm and rational.
You can sometimes help the situation by letting them know what you want them to do or even that you don’t want them to do anything. Something like “I’m feeling like … today, I don’t need you to do anything other than just listen”

 

[Innocent Forever]

Since you're asking for practical advice - have you ever looked at NA. I've found some groups are amazing and some are really not. If you find a group that works for you, you can find great support. There are nore specific programmes like CA or AA. I've found some are religious based (personally don't like) and some really open.
Sending love.