I hope this is the right place for my rant/grief/guilt

[Mike1]

Sarah, the only girl i ever thought i could spend the rest of my life with. We were together 3 and a half years in total but it was always on and off. We broke up because we drove each other up the wall and after repeatedly breaking up and then getting back together (i couldn't NOT fall in love her every time we met up, she was so smart, funny, and way out of my leauge, stunningly beautiful) i eventually told myself 'enough is enough'. I was a lot stronger back then lol

After we split up I had to send an ambulance on 999 calls to her house dozens of times because of phone calls about suicide. sometimes we'd get back togetether again, but a week later break up again. after i think 4 times of this happening i started ignoring her calls. sorry, but i was determined to put distance betweeen us. hindsight and all that :-(

then i get repeated calls from her, all ignored by me, and then a the same day a bunch of phone call from her friend (also all ignored by me) until her mother turned up at her house while the ambulances were still there (my ex was 'fine'). Her mam phoned me up later to ask what was going on so I told her about all the 999 calls and she was very kind, she told me that Sarah had a history of doing the same with other ex-boyfriends.

So I left it at that, until another phone call a few months later. Her mum to tell me Sarah had 'fallen' into a river and drowned

It's hard to say this, but I could have answered just one of those phone calls and maybe everything would be okay now. Even now I have nightmares seeing Sarah at the bottom of a river, blue lips, face bloated, that stupid blonde hair style she had floatin around her face. And now of cos I'm crying my ass oof, i would give anything to have her back, driving me insane haha

So rant/grief/guilt trip over. Woah, just saw my wall of text, but anybody have a story they need to get off tehir chest?

 

[JustCan'tQuit]

@Mike1,

I'm so very sorry to read this. A terrible end to her life, and a terrible burden for yours.

But remember there was a pattern there. You couldn't have saved her in the long run--not all by yourself. She wasn't well. Only a team of professionals might have been able to help. Even then, her recovery wasn't guaranteed. She would have had to be willing to work very hard at recovery.

Please try to forgive yourself. Grief has a place here, yes--but not guilt.

My sincere condolences,

JCQ

 

[Mike1]

Thanks, JCQ. Guilt is a hard to thing to let go of, so I'll leave this thread open for anyone who isn't guilty but feels guilt.

Apreciate your wise words though. Objectively I know you're right, subjectively it's not so easy, I'm sure you understand

Plus I've stopped crying and feeeling so sorry for myself.

 

[may71]

I'm sorry that Sarah didn't get the help that she needed, but you have a right not to be in a relationship that you don't want to be in. The situation you were in is actually pretty common. It's too bad that Sarah didn't find the help that she needed, but she didn't have a right to put you in the position of being responsible for her well-being.

 

[PhoenixFailed]

I'm going to echo JCQ and May71. It was hard that it played out the way it did, but unlimately we all can be helped by others but in terms of not following through, each one of us is the only one that holds that power. I am sorry for your loss.

You have the right to your grief and tears. Please try to be gentle with yourself. You are just as worthy as the rest of us to tell our stories, to cry, to feel sorry for ourselves. I'm hoping your statement about stopping "crying and feeling sorry for yourself" was because you felt better, not because you have to be strong 100% of the time. If this part doesn't seem to fit then just please ignore. I just worry that we all, but men in particular, are told to keep it together. Adding to that is that you are are caring person in my judgement from the posts of yours I have read, so you might not want to get any compassion for yourself. Compassion is not limited. We can keep making more and you deserve some as well.

Take good care Mike1.

Phoenix

 

[Cariad_Bach]

@Mike1,

I'm so very sorry to read this. A terrible end to her life, and a terrible burden for yours.

This sums it up for me. And hits home somewhat. Your story is tragic and so is hers. I'm not quite well enough to find any words of comfort or solace for you. But I see the effects such a choice can have on the loving. And I don't want mine to echo it.

Hugs to you.