hello my name is Jesse, 19 years old and this is really my last try at getting help. I've already called up the suicide hotline and well they were absolutely no help. I have a psychologist but i cant tell her because she already told me if i have any thoughts of hurting my self she would have to report me, and i really don't want to go to one of those hospitals. Anyway let me tell you guys my story
For the past 3 years my life has been pure hell, it all started when my Dad died from complications from AIDS and thats the first time i was ever told he had that disease. I also found out my mom had it, and that she had been having psychotic episodes because of the disease, its called AIDS dementia. So i have to take care of her a lot on her bad days. To add to that we are very very poor, to the point where there are weeks were we have less then a meal a day. My mom finally after 3 years got SSI but its only 400$ a month so it doesn't go very far. Though all this the only thing that has really held me together was my girlfriend of roughly 3 years. But about 3 months ago, she broke up with me because she liked another guy, they ended up not going out but I'm not sure we will get back together and that scares me so much. These past 3 months I've thought about killing my self almost every other day, sometimes i just cant get it out of my head. It feels like everyone who has ever loved or cared about me is either dying or is about to leave me, and i just cant take it anymore. I feel so much pain every day and the anxiety is just becoming too much, im having almost daily panic attacks and i have no one to turn to, other then my girlfriend(i cant call her my ex i know that sounds insane but i almost think if i call her that i would be giving up hope on being with her). I need help, i just don't know what to do anymore, i really want to live, i really want to be happy and live but i don't know how to do that, i almost see the only answer as suicide. Can someone help me?
For the past 3 years my life has been pure hell, it all started when my Dad died from complications from AIDS and thats the first time i was ever told he had that disease. I also found out my mom had it, and that she had been having psychotic episodes because of the disease, its called AIDS dementia. So i have to take care of her a lot on her bad days. To add to that we are very very poor, to the point where there are weeks were we have less then a meal a day. My mom finally after 3 years got SSI but its only 400$ a month so it doesn't go very far. Though all this the only thing that has really held me together was my girlfriend of roughly 3 years. But about 3 months ago, she broke up with me because she liked another guy, they ended up not going out but I'm not sure we will get back together and that scares me so much. These past 3 months I've thought about killing my self almost every other day, sometimes i just cant get it out of my head. It feels like everyone who has ever loved or cared about me is either dying or is about to leave me, and i just cant take it anymore. I feel so much pain every day and the anxiety is just becoming too much, im having almost daily panic attacks and i have no one to turn to, other then my girlfriend(i cant call her my ex i know that sounds insane but i almost think if i call her that i would be giving up hope on being with her). I need help, i just don't know what to do anymore, i really want to live, i really want to be happy and live but i don't know how to do that, i almost see the only answer as suicide. Can someone help me?