i have two partners, one who i will call j and one who i will call b, and i'm in a qpp with who i will call r. for context, b and r are part of the same system, and are the main fronts. j mainly uses fae/feam pronouns, r prefers prince/she pronouns, though she uses more, and b uses she/her. we met through roleplaying when i was in a really dark place, around 7th grade for me, i think? my issue didn't really 'start' until about a year-3/4s a year ago. i use roleplaying as a way to cope pretty regularly, since it's a way to work through emotions and see other's reactions to situations without it actually affecting anybody. anyways, it really started whenever landed with a hyperfixation on this one au idea. for context, i play two characters, and one of those characters (who i'll call V), has been stuck in an abusive household for years, and while his essentially brother got out, in canon he doesn't ever, and ends up becoming an abuser to his partner himself. in this au, B would actually leave this house, live on his own for a bit, and begin healing, and while other stuff happens, this was the main point. this au was so important to me because as someone who relates to that character a lot, and someone who's often scared that i'll never get out of my situation (whether it be just that my mom/stepdad are right, and, despite being the oldest, i will be the last of my siblings to move out because of my 'lack of common sense,' or that i'll end with a successful attempt), it was important to me to be able to see a world where that canon future wouldn't be real, that there was a world out there where he gets out. we chat/roleplay on discord and have different channels for different aus or just different roleplays in general, so i know they saw the unread notifications. i sent four messages just trying to reawaken the channel and nobody responded. while i understand the majority of people in the roleplay group weren't in that roleplay (only b, j, and r had characters to play), i was ignored four times and nobody said anything. it hurt.
i made other ideas for aus. i would bring up the idea and everyone would seem excited to roleplay it or want to go ahead and start, but the moment i made the channel it seemed at most b would send a few pity replies just waiting for everyone else to get onto it. i would delete the channel and nobody would say anything and that would be it.
eventually, i left the main roleplay server, and didn't join back. me and b talked about j constantly ignoring roleplays going on despite me and her doing any au ideas fae had (to the point where i was uncomfortable with a few, playing another character as unsympathetic (a large, known trigger for me), or having an extremely bad ending (not very much known as a trigger, but it still can make me upset)). it was to the point where even r said that she wasn't a huge fan of j. as time went on, my mental health worsened, all in all, as i adapted to a new "only speak when spoken to" kind of behavior. i would occasionally get asked by b, sometimes r, if i was okay, and they'd take "i'll be ok" as an answer and move on. however, for the first time tonight, i kind of admitted to b+r some of the shit that i've been feeling recently. i started off with some stuff that happened in real life today, and they sympathized with me and allowed me to rant for a bit, but when i got to something i was really scared of telling anybody, i brought up how, on a smut channel we have for some more sexual roleplays, r and j had been talking about a boner r had and how reading through it had made me very uncomfortable, given a recent situation with an ex of mine. r got incredibly upset at this (not mad upset) and began having a panic attack, and i had to stop mid-cry to be able to help lead them through the 54321 method in order to calm prince down. r ended up telling me that she "may not front much anymore" because prince doesn't "wanna hurt anyone or make anyone uncomfy". i told her that i was fine and that prince didn't hurt me or anything and went through the process of blaming myself for reading through the messages and making myself uncomfortable. since i had left the server for me, j, and b/r's system, the main cause for b+r to reach out to me originally, j also reached out and asked if i was okay and if i wanted an invite. i told faem 'no, it's fine' (paraphrased) and they started talking about an idea fae had for an au we've been doing recently without any further questions.
this is only some of the examples of this kind of stuff i have. i don't know what to do at this point. i've been on and off considering deleting my account, as they only have one very obscure way to reach me and i don't think they'd end up doing it, so i might get a break to really think about this stuff. at the same time, i feel bad for putting them through that kind of test, especially when i have already promised to give them both christmas gifts for the first time this year, so it feels like i'd be the bad guy in this scenario. i know that i'm expecting a lot out of them, but sometimes i want to be able to say someone made me upset without getting scared that they're hurting themselves.
advice is okay, but come cautiously- i put the "empathy only" tag on this because advice isn't what i'm particularly looking for. all in all, just thanks for reading, this most likely doesn't make any sense and i'm cried out to the point where i don't have the energy to look back and pre-read.
i made other ideas for aus. i would bring up the idea and everyone would seem excited to roleplay it or want to go ahead and start, but the moment i made the channel it seemed at most b would send a few pity replies just waiting for everyone else to get onto it. i would delete the channel and nobody would say anything and that would be it.
eventually, i left the main roleplay server, and didn't join back. me and b talked about j constantly ignoring roleplays going on despite me and her doing any au ideas fae had (to the point where i was uncomfortable with a few, playing another character as unsympathetic (a large, known trigger for me), or having an extremely bad ending (not very much known as a trigger, but it still can make me upset)). it was to the point where even r said that she wasn't a huge fan of j. as time went on, my mental health worsened, all in all, as i adapted to a new "only speak when spoken to" kind of behavior. i would occasionally get asked by b, sometimes r, if i was okay, and they'd take "i'll be ok" as an answer and move on. however, for the first time tonight, i kind of admitted to b+r some of the shit that i've been feeling recently. i started off with some stuff that happened in real life today, and they sympathized with me and allowed me to rant for a bit, but when i got to something i was really scared of telling anybody, i brought up how, on a smut channel we have for some more sexual roleplays, r and j had been talking about a boner r had and how reading through it had made me very uncomfortable, given a recent situation with an ex of mine. r got incredibly upset at this (not mad upset) and began having a panic attack, and i had to stop mid-cry to be able to help lead them through the 54321 method in order to calm prince down. r ended up telling me that she "may not front much anymore" because prince doesn't "wanna hurt anyone or make anyone uncomfy". i told her that i was fine and that prince didn't hurt me or anything and went through the process of blaming myself for reading through the messages and making myself uncomfortable. since i had left the server for me, j, and b/r's system, the main cause for b+r to reach out to me originally, j also reached out and asked if i was okay and if i wanted an invite. i told faem 'no, it's fine' (paraphrased) and they started talking about an idea fae had for an au we've been doing recently without any further questions.
this is only some of the examples of this kind of stuff i have. i don't know what to do at this point. i've been on and off considering deleting my account, as they only have one very obscure way to reach me and i don't think they'd end up doing it, so i might get a break to really think about this stuff. at the same time, i feel bad for putting them through that kind of test, especially when i have already promised to give them both christmas gifts for the first time this year, so it feels like i'd be the bad guy in this scenario. i know that i'm expecting a lot out of them, but sometimes i want to be able to say someone made me upset without getting scared that they're hurting themselves.
advice is okay, but come cautiously- i put the "empathy only" tag on this because advice isn't what i'm particularly looking for. all in all, just thanks for reading, this most likely doesn't make any sense and i'm cried out to the point where i don't have the energy to look back and pre-read.
