I'm a failure and it's killing me

[ThanosIsKing]

I can't help but notice that everything I try to do I end up ruining or failing at. I work at a pharmacy and I was just yelled at for apparently not being able to see if a vet prescription had all the information. All I wanted was clarification and I was still yelled at. Then there's baseball. I spend springs and autumns as an umpire but every single game I work at I'm either inconsistent as hell or I fall apart in close games and fail to communicate properly which results in everyone getting angry.

That's my professional life. Then there's my personal life. I'm over 40 and I have ZERO savings. I don't earn enough. 90% of my income ends up going to either bills or basic foodstuffs. Everyone I know is moving on and having relationships and families and I'm stuck being on my own with nobody who really cares. I've lived between two apartments for the last 6 years and NEVER had anyone come over, despite the fact that I try to invite someone from my friend group over pretty regularly. None of my "friend" group ever wants to take my suggestions on activities into consideration. I've asked to go to events, movies, to play video games I would like to play with them but they NEVER do it. Also who the hell wants to get involved with a loser with no money, no prospects and who has a shit job?

I'm a failure at everything and I want to die because of it. At 41 there's just no hope left.

 

[may71]

I'm sorry you're feeling so bad TIK.

I think once people realize they can get away with yelling at you, you'll tend to get yelled at a lot. Someone may be unhappy about something, but that doesn't give them the right to yell.

Also, it's pretty common for people to blame umpires for pretty much everything, so it's not necessarily something about you.

Everyone I know is moving on and having relationships and families

That may be so, but it's really not the case that everyone has relationships and families. Also, a lot of guys end up in relationships and families that they wish they hadn't gotten involved in. I'm not saying relationships and families are all bad, but they're also not all sunshine and lollipops.

One of the things you've got going for you that most people don't have is that you're the beneficiary of a trust. You may not get that much, but there may be some place in the world where you can pretty much live off that money.

 

[ThanosIsKing]

Thing is that I can't defend myself at work because then I get disciplined for it. And I can't show any of my real emotions either because I've been written up for that. And the only work they have me doing is being what amounts to a glorified fast food worker. I do the same damn thing a worker at McDonalds or Taco Bell does. Only difference is it's pills instead of food. I'm fucking certified. But I still get no respect or the ability to show the things I do know. What's worse is that I'm almost sure I'd get paid better at some of these fast food joints.

As for the umpire thing, it's not just parents and coaches that blame me for a bad job. It's also my partners. If I'm still making rookie mistakes out there after 3 years what the hell am I still doing out there?

Finally, when it comes to the trust, I'm including that in the "I'm saving nothing because I can't" statement. I'd be forced to use food banks if I didn't have that. I wish I could use that money for like a date night with someone but like I said nobody wants anything to do with a loser with a dead-end job and no savings. And it's not just relationships I haven't even FELT the touch of someone else in years. The loneliness is another thing that I want to end. And unless I die it's not going to.