I've been going downhill again for the past 2 months. My sh urges are getting worse. I've started a new job and hate it. I feel so alone and stupid. I realise its a decent job and I'm grateful to have it so I have a bit of money, but getting up every morning is so difficult. Everything is so expensive and I'm in debt with my parents from driving lessons, I still need to get a car and pay insurance and fuel. I want to move out as soon as possible, but with what money? Looking at all the prices for things makes me feel like im going to be stuck in this house forever. I usually get worse over the holidays because I have a lot of anxiety regarding social interactions, and I have to see my transphobic grandma (who I love dearly) but it's so hard to sit there, listen to her comments and be forced to smile about it. My main concern is that, when i get really low, my self harm is quite bad, and visible. I wont think about it in the moment, but once i've done it itll click that everyone will see it and i feel even worse. in the moment it makes me feel better but then i realise i have college where some of my classmates wont realise what it is and will ask questions, and my work where i have to show my face and theres occasionally kids around. I'm worried ill get fired because of either that or ill have a breakdown where i cant cope with doing anything (eating, drinking, showering e.c.t) and won't go in for work. I'm stressed and feel backed into a corner. Since I left secondary I feel like ive had to mask everything all over again. When i started college i was actually doing really well, so didnt need to, but as things got worse i had to cover it up again because no one wants to be around someone who is sad all the time. And my tutor asks me how I'm doing and i say im fine and he knows im not but what am i supposed to do? what is HE supposed to do? And yes, sometimes i feel better after talking to someone, but other times i feel worse becuase i finally let myself process things and i realise what a shitty situation it is and i feel awful. I don't feel like talking or texting or calling and i feel awful because one of my friends will ask me everyday if i can call and i always make up an excuse. I've explained to him why but he just seems to ignore it. And when we do call its always about what hes interested in. I love hearing about my friends hobbies and interests but its all he seems to talk about. I just feel so overwhelmed and sometimes I wish I had decided to end my life 2 years ago. It would have been so much easier. I wouldnt have lost the people I have and would have saved me so much pain. And the worst thing is, is that one minute i feel absoloutly amazing. nothing can touch me. and the next minute, as if someone had flipped a switch, I feel awful and I cant cope with anything anymore. I almost wished I didnt have those good moments because it hurts more when I crash back down then if i had stayed down in the first place. And when I feel really good I tend to do stupid things because nothing feels real and I feel like I'm the only person in the world (in a good way. not the bad way where i feel so alone and lost). I keep telling myself tomorrow will be better, it wont last forever, which is true, but it always comes back to this point. Where I'm lost and I don't know what to do with myself anymore.
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I'm struggling
- Thread starter Ash07
- Start date
Sorry that you are feeling like this. I see you are struggling with lack of stability. It's so annoying when one bad thing leads to another and one is in a downward spiral. I understand.😔😔 Hoping things go well and you manage to keep your job. Maybe you can try to make friends with some colleagues so that it is more pleasant for you to go there and you feel more motivated, unless this is too difficult/risky for you.