I can't believe it's been 11 years since I was last here. During this time, I've been okay, though I sometimes had thoughts of suicide, I never acted on them.
Recently, I had a crash, and for the first time, I actually tried to go through with it. It was so easy ... I thought it would be harder.
I just thought to myself, "It can all be over," and I did it, without a second thought. I don’t remember exactly what happened next. The next thing I know, my vision was dimming, like in the movies, with my field of view shrinking. Each breath slowed down. I thought, "This is how it ends." I wasn’t scared, I felt calm. As each breath grew slower and the world darkened, I felt at peace.
But, as you can probably tell, I didn’t die. I’m still here. This happened two months ago. I spent two weeks in the hospital in critical care, and now I’m at home recovering from my injuries. I’m very fortunate. I should be able to get back to full health. I could have easily become a quadriplegic, with a broken neck and numerous other broken bones.
This has really hurt my family. I feel terrible for the pain I’ve caused them. So, I decided to get some help. I’m now seeing a psychologist. I am one of those men who keep their feelings to themselves, so I don’t have anyone I can truly talk to about how I feel. But just being able to speak openly with the psychologist has helped a lot.
I still have suicidal thoughts, but none of them have come close to action.
All I want is to find something to hope for. I just want to feel joy again. I hope that therapy will help me find that.
Recently, I had a crash, and for the first time, I actually tried to go through with it. It was so easy ... I thought it would be harder.
I just thought to myself, "It can all be over," and I did it, without a second thought. I don’t remember exactly what happened next. The next thing I know, my vision was dimming, like in the movies, with my field of view shrinking. Each breath slowed down. I thought, "This is how it ends." I wasn’t scared, I felt calm. As each breath grew slower and the world darkened, I felt at peace.
But, as you can probably tell, I didn’t die. I’m still here. This happened two months ago. I spent two weeks in the hospital in critical care, and now I’m at home recovering from my injuries. I’m very fortunate. I should be able to get back to full health. I could have easily become a quadriplegic, with a broken neck and numerous other broken bones.
This has really hurt my family. I feel terrible for the pain I’ve caused them. So, I decided to get some help. I’m now seeing a psychologist. I am one of those men who keep their feelings to themselves, so I don’t have anyone I can truly talk to about how I feel. But just being able to speak openly with the psychologist has helped a lot.
I still have suicidal thoughts, but none of them have come close to action.
All I want is to find something to hope for. I just want to feel joy again. I hope that therapy will help me find that.
