It's been almost two years, I'm ready to heal, move on and forget...

[FatAbby]

Almost two years ago, a very good slightly more than friend/coworker, called me. He never called me before, we always had always used texts to communicate before. He thanked me for being a friend, scheduled a tentative date to go out and have a few beers with me and my husband, and said he would see me at work the next day.

I pride myself on being empathetic, I pride myself on being smart. I KNEW something was wrong, but I didn't know what. I fell asleep with my phone in my hand at like 5am waiting for him to call me again and let me know he was ok. I never got the call, and he didn't show up for work the next day.

His death rocked my world. I spent almost 8 months at the bottom of a bottle wallowing in self loathing for not noticing that he was saying good bye to me the night he called.

I'm better now, not drinking nearly as much, not crying every night... Of course, I quit my job on the first anniversary of his death, it was too much to deal with....

Now I want to help. I live in a small town, no where near a suicide prevention hotline... or I would volunteer there.

EVERY day I think of Mike. EVERY day I have to fight back the lump in my throat. I feel like I let him down.

I want to be there for others... What do I do?

 

[WildCherry]

Hi, and welcome to the site!

You didn't let him down. :hug: You had no way of knowing what was going to happen, what he was planning.

When I joined here several years ago, I wanted to help too. I've found that the best way to do that is to be here to listen, offer support when you can. We don't always have advice or know the right things to say. But I've learned that listening means a lot and can help make a difference.

 

[scaryforest]

your advice and help will be greatly valued here.
also, welcome to the forum.

hmm, i thought it didn't matter where you lived, they give you a number and people connect to it and call you on it anyway? and you can do it from home?

condolances about mike.

 

[FatAbby]

I didn't contact anyone. I just read the nearest locations online... I'm almost 200 miles from both "closest" locations, so I immediately went looking for alternate options. I'll look into it further.

I know that during the first year after his death I desperately needed someone to talk to, but couldn't CALL anyone because of fears of being overheard, and I'm sure that fact also contributed to my not picking up on the red flags the night Mike called me. It's a long complicated story and off track of what I was trying to say. -- Perhaps I can be useful to someone online?

IDK...

I think of him EVERY day. Multiple times a day. It doesn't feel like I was just punched in the gut anymore, now it's feels more like falling over my own feet and trying to right myself, I find myself quickly looking around to see if anyone noticed the dark cloud that just floated over me.

He had so many people he left behind. A wife, children, coworkers that were like family, a mom, and a mistress... I wish I had seen the signs and been able to show him what a network of support was available to him.

 

[youRprecious!]

Hi Abby and welcome to SF Sorry indeed to hear about Mike, but you were not to blame for his decision - sounds like he had already made up his mind what he was going to do, you could not have known just from one phone call, hun. Your empathy and ability to listen will be valued greatly on SF and there are always people writing in with new insights that can resonate with where we are, helping us too Blessings,

 

[total eclipse]

Oh hun i understand the guilt feelings i do as i did not see the red flags either when my bro suicided

I got help from therapist to deal with the aftermath

I can tell you honestly that their was no way to know You are not a mind reader I hope you can let go of the guilt I came here like you to help others to get them to see that when they leave they not only take their lives they take the lives of many who care for them

I hope helping here helps you heal some and remember we are here for you hugs