Loss of my doctor

[Aspasia]

Last summer, my psychiatrist went on a four-week medical leave. When he came back everything was via telehealth and I asked him how he was doing. He said he was dealing with an autoimmune disorder. I remember thinking that I didn’t believe him but that it was also none of my business. And I moved on, we had maybe two more sessions. But then he went on another medical leave, first for four weeks and then for longer until finally the practice said he wouldn’t be back until December. Once December arrived they said he’d left the practice. It was horrible. I was, of course, very worried about him, but I also felt abandoned and helpless. The practice sucks and they sent me to a random person who was awful. I requested someone else and got a very good, young, well educated psychiatrist, for whom I am very grateful. But in April of this year we got word that my doc, Dr. H, had died and I eventually learned he died by suicide. I went to his memorial, met his mother and saw some lovely photos of him with his family and pets. From talking to her it seems that the family felt some relief because he was suffering so much. I never saw that side of him. He was always kind, wise, funny.

All of this has sent me spiraling. I’m having such a hard time finding my footing. I have a supportive family and a great therapist and this new psychiatrist is great. But I sleep three hours or so a night, have trouble getting out of bed, binge eat, stream endless videos, cry, write. I feel so grateful for the many, many good things in my life, but I feel that I don’t deserve them. I hate myself most of the time. I’m a teacher and I can’t imagine being back at work in a few weeks.

I made a half hearted attempt in December to die, but just slept for two days. That was great, except dealing with the aftermath of scaring my husband and therapist. And myself for that matter. If I could figure out a way to protect my daughter and husband from suffering, I’d take my life tomorrow.

I just want some hope. I want to believe that these emotions will pass. But the hope and belief aren’t there.

Thanks for listening.

I grieve this Doctor like he was family. I want to know why he did it. I wonder if he couldn’t find answers, why will I ever find them. Anxiety and depression are eroding all my will to live.

 

[sinking_ship]

Oh wow, I'm sorry, what a horrible shock. The 'why' of suicide is hard, because it comes down to internal pain, and we can never truly know what's going on with a person. Each person is different though, and whatever his demons were, it doesn't say anything about your ability to get through this.

 

[Daphna]

Last summer, my psychiatrist went on a four-week medical leave. When he came back everything was via telehealth and I asked him how he was doing. He said he was dealing with an autoimmune disorder. I remember thinking that I didn’t believe him but that it was also none of my business. And I moved on, we had maybe two more sessions. But then he went on another medical leave, first for four weeks and then for longer until finally the practice said he wouldn’t be back until December. Once December arrived they said he’d left the practice. It was horrible. I was, of course, very worried about him, but I also felt abandoned and helpless. The practice sucks and they sent me to a random person who was awful. I requested someone else and got a very good, young, well educated psychiatrist, for whom I am very grateful. But in April of this year we got word that my doc, Dr. H, had died and I eventually learned he died by suicide. I went to his memorial, met his mother and saw some lovely photos of him with his family and pets. From talking to her it seems that the family felt some relief because he was suffering so much. I never saw that side of him. He was always kind, wise, funny.

All of this has sent me spiraling. I’m having such a hard time finding my footing. I have a supportive family and a great therapist and this new psychiatrist is great. But I sleep three hours or so a night, have trouble getting out of bed, binge eat, stream endless videos, cry, write. I feel so grateful for the many, many good things in my life, but I feel that I don’t deserve them. I hate myself most of the time. I’m a teacher and I can’t imagine being back at work in a few weeks.

I made a half hearted attempt in December to die, but just slept for two days. That was great, except dealing with the aftermath of scaring my husband and therapist. And myself for that matter. If I could figure out a way to protect my daughter and husband from suffering, I’d take my life tomorrow.

I just want some hope. I want to believe that these emotions will pass. But the hope and belief aren’t there.

Thanks for listening.

I grieve this Doctor like he was family. I want to know why he did it. I wonder if he couldn’t find answers, why will I ever find them. Anxiety and depression are eroding all my will to live.

Grief doesn’t pass but it transforms into something beautiful if you let it. It does take time though. I’m not surprised you feel as though you lost a family member. This was your confidante. This man is probably one of the closest people to understanding you than anyone else you know.
Everything you question about his suicide is helping you see the aftermath of such an action. Why did he do it? You already know. What are the common things mentioned here? Feeling inadequate, alone, hopeless, sometimes constant pain or illness, being attacked mentally/spiritually, etc. Its all here. Perhaps his own mental distresses guided him into his profession? Perhaps it helped to help others, but in the end it still wasn’t enough. I do trust that regardless of the reason his passion was to help others who struggled as he did himself. Know that none of it was your fault or his other patients. As you know these distresses alienate the person and convince them to suffer in silence and alone. Sadly he gave into them. My condolences.

 

[1964dodge]

Last summer, my psychiatrist went on a four-week medical leave. When he came back everything was via telehealth and I asked him how he was doing. He said he was dealing with an autoimmune disorder. I remember thinking that I didn’t believe him but that it was also none of my business. And I moved on, we had maybe two more sessions. But then he went on another medical leave, first for four weeks and then for longer until finally the practice said he wouldn’t be back until December. Once December arrived they said he’d left the practice. It was horrible. I was, of course, very worried about him, but I also felt abandoned and helpless. The practice sucks and they sent me to a random person who was awful. I requested someone else and got a very good, young, well educated psychiatrist, for whom I am very grateful. But in April of this year we got word that my doc, Dr. H, had died and I eventually learned he died by suicide. I went to his memorial, met his mother and saw some lovely photos of him with his family and pets. From talking to her it seems that the family felt some relief because he was suffering so much. I never saw that side of him. He was always kind, wise, funny.

All of this has sent me spiraling. I’m having such a hard time finding my footing. I have a supportive family and a great therapist and this new psychiatrist is great. But I sleep three hours or so a night, have trouble getting out of bed, binge eat, stream endless videos, cry, write. I feel so grateful for the many, many good things in my life, but I feel that I don’t deserve them. I hate myself most of the time. I’m a teacher and I can’t imagine being back at work in a few weeks.

I made a half hearted attempt in December to die, but just slept for two days. That was great, except dealing with the aftermath of scaring my husband and therapist. And myself for that matter. If I could figure out a way to protect my daughter and husband from suffering, I’d take my life tomorrow.

I just want some hope. I want to believe that these emotions will pass. But the hope and belief aren’t there.

Thanks for listening.

I grieve this Doctor like he was family. I want to know why he did it. I wonder if he couldn’t find answers, why will I ever find them. Anxiety and depression are eroding all my will to live.

i'm sorry that you lost your doctor that was very close to you. it sounds like he was suffering from his disease and the physical issues were too much to take.

you do deserve the good things in your life. we have to fight all the bad stuff in our life and cherish the good things. unfortunately your family would never get over your suicide, so please stay with us. i hope things get better for you soon.

mike...

 

[KM76710]

Sad to hear the news about your doctor, he sounds like he was a decent and good hearted person to others which is about the best a person can be.