I made both this post and account on random impulses, which is basically how I make all my weird decisions. This is the first time I've ever done anything like this, and I've never been good at properly expressing my thoughts/emotions, so I apologise before hand for what ever mess I end up creating here. I didn't even bother reading the rules, so this might not even be the right place to post this.
Sorry.
I'm unsure how much longer I can hold out to be completely honest. You always hear things like "Just keep going, it'll all become better." which is rather funny, since after every year that passes I fall deeper down in to despair. I can positively say that I'm currently the worst I've ever been, and the idea of suicide feels more alluring every day. Not that it wasn't before, but the iconic thought of the pain it would bring my parents has always stopped me. Unfourtainetly thanks to recent developments I'm uncertain how much longer that can keep me alive.
The mental and physical fatigue I've been feeling is going up to the extreme. No matter how much I sleep it doesn't go away. If I've sleept for 10 hours it might only take around 4 hours before I'm deathly tired again, but that's not even mentioning how extremely hard it is to wake up in the first place. I don't have the energy to do anything, and I barley ever go to school anymore. In the last 80 days (not counting weekends) I probably only went 10 times, half of those times going back home before lunch. I'm failing all my classes, and I think I'm behind to the point that it's impossible to catch up.
My parents always had absurdly high hopes for me, hoping I would become a great doctor, or some form of NASA scientist. Those dreams obviously have both been brutally murdered, and buried by now. It's so bad that the disappointment in their voices is like torture to my ears. I hate myself so much for making them feel like this, all they ever did was love me, they deserve a smarter son, a nicer son, a more capable son, a BETTER son, instead they got me, a husk not able to do anything. I feel that the continued pain of the disappointment I make them feel every day hurts them more than me killing myself ever would.
This all truly turned out to be a giant mess, I guess I need to put an end to my meaningless rambling at some point. I wanted to mention the soul crushing loneliness I've been feeling as well, but that would require an entite post of it's own to properly convey. To quickly put it in to perceptive I can say that feel so depraved of human contact that simply hugging me tightly and saying "I love you" would more than likely turn me in to an ugly crying mess.
aw jeez, I already regret writing this. The thought of someone taking time out of their day to read this is giving me a lot of anxiety, but I guess it's fine. It's not like anyone will actually do that right? Let's hope not.
Sorry.
I'm unsure how much longer I can hold out to be completely honest. You always hear things like "Just keep going, it'll all become better." which is rather funny, since after every year that passes I fall deeper down in to despair. I can positively say that I'm currently the worst I've ever been, and the idea of suicide feels more alluring every day. Not that it wasn't before, but the iconic thought of the pain it would bring my parents has always stopped me. Unfourtainetly thanks to recent developments I'm uncertain how much longer that can keep me alive.
The mental and physical fatigue I've been feeling is going up to the extreme. No matter how much I sleep it doesn't go away. If I've sleept for 10 hours it might only take around 4 hours before I'm deathly tired again, but that's not even mentioning how extremely hard it is to wake up in the first place. I don't have the energy to do anything, and I barley ever go to school anymore. In the last 80 days (not counting weekends) I probably only went 10 times, half of those times going back home before lunch. I'm failing all my classes, and I think I'm behind to the point that it's impossible to catch up.
My parents always had absurdly high hopes for me, hoping I would become a great doctor, or some form of NASA scientist. Those dreams obviously have both been brutally murdered, and buried by now. It's so bad that the disappointment in their voices is like torture to my ears. I hate myself so much for making them feel like this, all they ever did was love me, they deserve a smarter son, a nicer son, a more capable son, a BETTER son, instead they got me, a husk not able to do anything. I feel that the continued pain of the disappointment I make them feel every day hurts them more than me killing myself ever would.
This all truly turned out to be a giant mess, I guess I need to put an end to my meaningless rambling at some point. I wanted to mention the soul crushing loneliness I've been feeling as well, but that would require an entite post of it's own to properly convey. To quickly put it in to perceptive I can say that feel so depraved of human contact that simply hugging me tightly and saying "I love you" would more than likely turn me in to an ugly crying mess.
aw jeez, I already regret writing this. The thought of someone taking time out of their day to read this is giving me a lot of anxiety, but I guess it's fine. It's not like anyone will actually do that right? Let's hope not.
