Even in my dreams, nothing of what happened after 2005 is almost ever present.
I keep dreaming being in the old Home (before 2014), i keep dreaming me and my brother younger to a point he was smaller than me (even before 2005), and i keep having these dreams where i quit studying at high school (2001) or i quit swimming (in 2005) and i dont know what to do with my life OR i am at nowadays and wonder with all myself what i have done after high school or swimming. i cant remember the jobs i worked or the studies i've done or the people i've met (except for my T sometimes).
its like i've wasted 20 years of my life and i dont know how. and i even regret what i have done before because i feel a failure of not being a better student or especially a better swimmer.
tonight i dreamed i was somewhere to start a new plan of harder trainings for swimming and yes i was aware i had quit but still had the hope i could go back and finally not feel a failure. at the last point of the dream i was flying over a swimming pool with tears in my eyes, mentally begging my former coach to go back and train me again. i woke up crying.
often i dream im in the old Home (never dreamed of the new house of my parents or my new flat) and im so happy, its like the only wish i have. go back to that old Home.
once awake im full of regrets and feeling i want to die. life has been and is too ugly after 2005.
i truly want to die again.
I keep dreaming being in the old Home (before 2014), i keep dreaming me and my brother younger to a point he was smaller than me (even before 2005), and i keep having these dreams where i quit studying at high school (2001) or i quit swimming (in 2005) and i dont know what to do with my life OR i am at nowadays and wonder with all myself what i have done after high school or swimming. i cant remember the jobs i worked or the studies i've done or the people i've met (except for my T sometimes).
its like i've wasted 20 years of my life and i dont know how. and i even regret what i have done before because i feel a failure of not being a better student or especially a better swimmer.
tonight i dreamed i was somewhere to start a new plan of harder trainings for swimming and yes i was aware i had quit but still had the hope i could go back and finally not feel a failure. at the last point of the dream i was flying over a swimming pool with tears in my eyes, mentally begging my former coach to go back and train me again. i woke up crying.
often i dream im in the old Home (never dreamed of the new house of my parents or my new flat) and im so happy, its like the only wish i have. go back to that old Home.
once awake im full of regrets and feeling i want to die. life has been and is too ugly after 2005.
i truly want to die again.
