Ptsd

[nightland14]

I've been diagnosed with PTSD because of something that happened at work and I don't know how to get over it. I've recently had an update on the case that has caused this and it's left me spiralling and unable to think clearly or focus in work anymore. I'm breaking down at random times and there's only so much time I can take off work. I'm already on 6 absences and this means a disciplinary meeting - even though 2 are because of the PTSD - being signed off and now with the update on the case, it's still against me.
I'm struggling to cope with everything. The therapy that diagnosed me literally ditched me because I got the long term therapy I'd been waiting 2 years for, so I feel abandoned with no help on coping with this all.
I love my job and help so many people but don't know how I can get back to normal with it, it's terrifying me.
I'm trying to be strong because I don't want people worrying about me, and don't let them see me upset, so they think I'm getting over it, but I'm not, I still think it was my fault and if I'd been quicker it would have helped. I know I did my best, but I'm still thinking what if I'd done something different. Everyone has said it wouldn't have made any difference because of what had happened, but I still remember every detail of it all and I don't know how to stop.

 

[may71]

I'm sorry that you're going through this Nightland.

Everyone has said it wouldn't have made any difference because of what had happened

It sounds like you've talked to other people at work about this. If so, do you feel like that has helped at all?

 

[nightland14]

I have spoken to my manager and partner, as well as my therapist, but I still somehow feel responsible. I wanted to do more, but couldn't but people who audited me said I didn't do everything I could so made me feel worse again, like they agreed it was my fault - I know it's not - but it felt all bad all over again.

 

[may71]

I'm sorry that this happened.

I love my job and help so many people but don't know how I can get back to normal with it, it's terrifying me.

To reach your full potential to help other people, it's necessary to accept that things are going to go wrong sometimes, and that your own performance won't be perfect. It's good to try to improve, but it's also important to be gentle with yourself.

It's really the same thing here on SF. Could my reply to you be better? Probably. Could my replies on other threads be better? Probably that too. Pretty much anyone's reply on any thread here could in some way be better. Is it really important to give the best replies possible on threads? Yes, of course, but it's also unreasonable to expect that every reply is going to be perfect.

There was a time that I was ready to give up on SF. All the people wanting to die was a bit overwhelming. It seemed like I was saying a lot of the same things often and I wasn't sure how much good I was doing. There were also times where it seemed like I was making things worse rather than better. So I gave up.

One day it just clicked with me that people were going to be suffering here whether I was willing to face it or not, so it was better to face it. I might have made things worse sometimes, but on balance I was doing more good than harm, so it has better to keep posting and try to improve rather than to give up. So I started posting again.

You haven't specified in what role you are helping people, but it sounds like the fact that you love your job and care about doing it well means that you're well suited to it and doing a lot of good. Please don't undermine your own potential to good in the world simply because in principle you might have done something better in a particular case.

people who audited me said I didn't do everything I could

If someone audited the auditors, someone might find something wrong with the way they've done their jobs too. It's not clear that if you had done things the auditor's way that things would have turned out any better. When you're in a position of finding fault like the auditors are, it's just always easier to tell someone they did something wrong. If they said you did everything perfectly but there was still a bad result, that might imply that there is a problem with the workplace, policy, or management, so politically it's much easier to dump blame on the individual worker.

You may have actually done things perfectly but don't realize it. Even if you didn't do things perfectly, you should still be gentle and forgiving with yourself.

 

[may71]

If you'd like I could try to recommend some treatments for PTSD. It's also ok if you don't want that.

 

[nightland14]

You haven't specified in what role you are helping people, but it sounds like the fact that you love your job and care about doing it well means that you're well suited to it and doing a lot of good

I work for NHS 111 - this was a particularly bad suicide call - we have no medical training and this call escalated quickly. For months I wasn't sure if they survived, however I found out recently (when I posted this) that they had passed away.
I have taken so many calls like this where I know I've helped people, but this was by far the worst.

I'm trying to be gentle with myself and my manager and colleagues have been brilliant with supporting me - I've moved my shifts to earlier in the day, got more coaching sessions so I'm not taking calls late in the evening/night for a bit as that's when most mental health calls come through.

If you'd like I could try to recommend some treatments for PTSD.

Yes please, that would be helpful. I'm in long term therapy for childhood trauma so can't get any help for the PTSD at the same time.

 

[may71]

I work for NHS 111 - this was a particularly bad suicide call - we have no medical training and this call escalated quickly. For months I wasn't sure if they survived, however I found out recently (when I posted this) that they had passed away.

Even if you respond perfectly, you're not necessarily going to be able to change the outcome from something negative to something positive just with a phone call. It's good that you tried to help, but that's really all you can do. It's upsetting that the outcome was bad, but that's not your fault.

I've moved my shifts to earlier in the day, got more coaching sessions so I'm not taking calls late in the evening/night for a bit as that's when most mental health calls come through.

That sounds good.

I'm in long term therapy for childhood trauma so can't get any help for the PTSD at the same time.

I'm sorry the system works that way.

Yes please, that would be helpful.

There's evidence that acupuncture can help with PTSD. This link has some information about it:
Chinese Herbal Medicine and Acupuncture, World's Second Largest Medical System

Acmac.co.uk is a community style acupuncture association in the UK. Community style acupuncture is typically cheaper than other forms of professional acupuncture treatment, but is still high quality. There may also be non-acmac affiliated clinics in the UK.

If you're near London, there are also many teaching clinics that offer good and affordable treatments. I can say more about that if you'd like.

The acupressure self-massage and other info in this link might also be helpful:

Self-Treatment and Miscellaneous

 

[nightland14]

Even if you respond perfectly, you're not necessarily going to be able to change the outcome from something negative to something positive just with a phone call. It's good that you tried to help, but that's really all you can do. It's upsetting that the outcome was bad, but that's not your fault.

That sounds good.

I'm sorry the system works that way.

There's evidence that acupuncture can help with PTSD. This link has some information about it:
Chinese Herbal Medicine and Acupuncture, World's Second Largest Medical System

Acmac.co.uk is a community style acupuncture association in the UK. Community style acupuncture is typically cheaper than other forms of professional acupuncture treatment, but is still high quality. There may also be non-acmac affiliated clinics in the UK.

If you're near London, there are also many teaching clinics that offer good and affordable treatments. I can say more about that if you'd like.

The acupressure self-massage and other info in this link might also be helpful:

Self-Treatment and Miscellaneous

Thank you, I don't think you'll understand how much you have helped me, you have given me positivity to continue with everything and kindness when I didn't feel I deserved it.

I'll take a look at the links and look into it more. Never thought of acupuncture so it's interesting.
I'm not near London, unfortunately, but I'll have a look at what other help I can get through health care we get with work.

 

[may71]

Thank you

You're welcome!

I didn't feel I deserved it

You are more deserving of good things than you realize.