severe dysphoria in public

[3nufk1n.sheepies]

i know rationally that people arent judging me as much as i assume they would and if they are they likely arent taking the piss and dont mean any harm

but totally irrespective of that, i feele xtremely hurt humiliated dysphoric uncomfortable

the interior of my home is so warm and cozy and safe and protected (or relatively so) meanwhile the outside world is pure hell and misery such sharp spikes

i got misgendered. and meanwhile an entirely cis woman passes male more than i do
and i am perpetually surrounded by skinny sleek minimalist nonchalant young men

its too dysphoric to handle.
im buying to much stuff i dont need, i overshare when distressed, i need external validation for my suffering, i overpack, my voice sounds too urgent, i am too aware of my surroundings
this is unbearably dysphoric i want to be someone else so badly

i feel likr with time i am uncontrollably inevitanly getting more and mroe everything i rjeject in myself.
i get complimented for my physical appearance mroe than intelligence more and more with time.
to make it even more painful the kind of people that find me hot i find fucking disgusting and dont want to be associated with

 

[3nufk1n.sheepies]

i feel like i am not really mentally male, not mentally aro ace either.

and instead, at heart, in deep denial, deep down, at my core, in reality, the ugly truth
a femcel. female manipulator.

the inner critic

"i am not gamer enough. that makes me very dysphoric"
"i am too out of touch"
"my music taste is too basic"
"its a painful reality that i am probably not my authentic self at all"
"i am so confused i dont know who i am but i also really know who i want to be but i also kind of dont"
"everyones better than me REGARDLESS of their age gender ethnicity etc, although maybe kinda vaguely some more than others with some vague biases"
"i remember what being overprotected was like. when you wanted to do drugs entirely out of curiosity, not self medication. how DESPERATE you were to do legal highs, nutmeg or robitussin or benadryl would have felt like ultimate gold. when you were REALLY jealous of anyone that had access to real drugs. its all different now"

so many overwhelming confusing and unpleasant emotions at once thst i cant identify

its fucking crazy how desperste i am to self isolate and not want to be perceived at all because of severe self loathing yrt at the same time be overly concerned with image snd overshare / trauma dump to people i barely know