Some days are worse

[panicbutton]

Today is one of those days. I've been crying on and off. I really want to reach out and really really talk and open up and connect with anyone. The last few years have consisted of so much. Because of that I've lost all trust in people. I've bottled everything up. It's so tight that to even consider talking my throat locks up and no sound comes out. There's so much bad that's happened that no one knows about. So much. It's made me feel awful about myself in every aspect of what and who I am. It's convinced me that not only should I not trust anyone, but that no one should be bothered by me. I know a lot of us feel like that. I'm kinda forcing myself to finally try to at least open up a little and to start communicating on here. This community has always been here for me. I feel bad for having lost touch and just talking to my private diary.

So back to being more open. I keep feeling that ending it would help and stop every issue I have. Those thoughts are often checked at the door because of my kids. I want to be here for them. I want to keep watching them grow into the beautiful human beings they are. Then... I start thinking about summer when they go yo their dad's. They won't be here. It eats me that I fully believe that the home their father provides is healthier, more financially free, and just.. better.. so I keep thinking.. if I check out this summer.. its doing everyone a favor. It's best for everyone.

So there. There's my suicidal thoughts and feelings.

 

[seabird]

 

[iloverachel]

I am sorry today has been so bad! Always feel free to open up and vent to us as we are listening and care. Hope you feel better soon

 

[KM76710]

I hope that you days have a turnabout and a direction for the better for you.

 

[may71]

It's so tight that to even consider talking my throat locks up and no sound comes out.

That sounds awful, I'm sorry.

if I check out this summer.. its doing everyone a favor. It's best for everyone

I don't think that's true at all. Even if there's something good about being at their dad's, it doesn't mean that you aren't important in your kid's lives.

Please be gentle with yourself.

Hugs

 

[Lara_C]

Sorry you're feeling so bad @panicbutton , and I hope you continue to share what's being happening in your life on here. Please also keep resisting any suicidal urges because it would break your children's hearts to lose you, especially by your own hand. They would forever question if you didn't love them enough to stay. Nothing and no-one could ever replace you as their mother and so the greatest thing you can give them is not material things, just your loving presence.

 

[JDot]

I'm so sorry you feel the way you do. But I'm glad you're starting to open up. Keeping everything locked inside can cause us to mentally explode. Please don't check out. Your children need you to be around. I know it may not feel that way, but they need you more than you probably realize. Unfortunately I know this from experience. My sister checked out back in 2017, and it's been real hard on the family especially her daughter. I hope to see you around the forum. And remember SF is here for you.