hi, i am a new user, i actually registered a few days ago but i've finally got the courage to open up and say anything, i know many people read posts here and think "same old story" but isnt that always going to be the way, aren't we always gonna think at some point, "i heard exactly the same thing yesterday/last week/last month"? Maybe its because a lot of the time, very similar things drive very different people to the same conclusions. My "story" is probably the worst reason to commit suicide or even feel suicidal, but its something i've felt for a long time.
To give you the most abridged version possible, ive always had a knack for getting into bad relationships, or ones that very quickly turn bad, over the past 4/5 years they've taken their toll on me and each bad relationship just seems to affect the next one, to the point where my last relationship, which is the one i believed was "the one", suffered horribly, as did myself and the poor girl i was with as result.
i used to be quite an outgoing, you could almost say popular, guy, now im a shadow of what i used to be, i spend all my time alone since the end of my last relationship, which is getting on for 6 months, as melodramatic as it sounds, i spend hours each day researching suicide, methods, consequences, beliefs, moral standpoints, and all it leads me to believe is that maybe its the best idea for me, if i cant get myself straight to even save a relationship that means literally everything to me then what hope can i possibly have in the future? i told myself if i screwed it up i would give up, because there is no hope for me to ever be happy if my past is always there to get in the way, people say whats done is done, you cant change the past, and they're right where im concerned, i cant change what i've done, what i've experienced, i even had therapy to try and help me forget which didnt work, i've a history of alcohol abuse, drug use, violence, all this just makes me hate myself even more regardless of what progress i make before i end up slipping back into the same downward spiral.
and i know for a fact some people are going to be reading this people thinking, "i've heard all this before" or even possibly "is that all thats wrong with you, you're pathetic", i can handle that, i know there are people with worse problems than myself and i commend them for still being here now reading and contributing to these forums. Just take a second, and see if any part of this post applies to you too.
depression leaves us feeling alone and isolated, well if any of what i have to say applies to you, then you're not alone, the same goes for ANY post that you share something with, the fact that we're all here is proof that we're not alone with our feelings.
this post although a very vague account of the past few years of my life, is very personal to me, there are things in relation to what i say here that i have never and probably will never share with anybody.
Now without going into the more personal details, i've had attempts to end my life, nothing half-assed either, i tried hanging myself and was found unconscious by a then friend who decided to drop around to my flat on his way home from a pub because he "had a weird feeling", after which i woke up in the intensive care unit of a hospital around 40 miles from my home, where i ripped the monitors and things off and charged out of there wearing nothing but tracksuit bottoms at 3am on a january morning (very cold and scary as i didnt know where i was to begin with), i've taken 100s of pills at a time washed down with vodka, and woken up in a puddle of vomit with painful cramps in my stomach (not fun AT ALL), i deliberately crashed my car at 70/80mph after taking my seatbelt off and climbed from the wreck with a cut finger and whiplash (my personal favourite because that one actually amuses me now), i guess im sharing these things with you all because i want people to realise thet they're not alone, there are people like me out here that feel the things that you feel, and if you can just do what i failed to do which is find someone that feels the same way, maybe even had similar experiences, and talk to them, maybe you'll find the hope that i never could
hold on!
To give you the most abridged version possible, ive always had a knack for getting into bad relationships, or ones that very quickly turn bad, over the past 4/5 years they've taken their toll on me and each bad relationship just seems to affect the next one, to the point where my last relationship, which is the one i believed was "the one", suffered horribly, as did myself and the poor girl i was with as result.
i used to be quite an outgoing, you could almost say popular, guy, now im a shadow of what i used to be, i spend all my time alone since the end of my last relationship, which is getting on for 6 months, as melodramatic as it sounds, i spend hours each day researching suicide, methods, consequences, beliefs, moral standpoints, and all it leads me to believe is that maybe its the best idea for me, if i cant get myself straight to even save a relationship that means literally everything to me then what hope can i possibly have in the future? i told myself if i screwed it up i would give up, because there is no hope for me to ever be happy if my past is always there to get in the way, people say whats done is done, you cant change the past, and they're right where im concerned, i cant change what i've done, what i've experienced, i even had therapy to try and help me forget which didnt work, i've a history of alcohol abuse, drug use, violence, all this just makes me hate myself even more regardless of what progress i make before i end up slipping back into the same downward spiral.
and i know for a fact some people are going to be reading this people thinking, "i've heard all this before" or even possibly "is that all thats wrong with you, you're pathetic", i can handle that, i know there are people with worse problems than myself and i commend them for still being here now reading and contributing to these forums. Just take a second, and see if any part of this post applies to you too.
depression leaves us feeling alone and isolated, well if any of what i have to say applies to you, then you're not alone, the same goes for ANY post that you share something with, the fact that we're all here is proof that we're not alone with our feelings.
this post although a very vague account of the past few years of my life, is very personal to me, there are things in relation to what i say here that i have never and probably will never share with anybody.
Now without going into the more personal details, i've had attempts to end my life, nothing half-assed either, i tried hanging myself and was found unconscious by a then friend who decided to drop around to my flat on his way home from a pub because he "had a weird feeling", after which i woke up in the intensive care unit of a hospital around 40 miles from my home, where i ripped the monitors and things off and charged out of there wearing nothing but tracksuit bottoms at 3am on a january morning (very cold and scary as i didnt know where i was to begin with), i've taken 100s of pills at a time washed down with vodka, and woken up in a puddle of vomit with painful cramps in my stomach (not fun AT ALL), i deliberately crashed my car at 70/80mph after taking my seatbelt off and climbed from the wreck with a cut finger and whiplash (my personal favourite because that one actually amuses me now), i guess im sharing these things with you all because i want people to realise thet they're not alone, there are people like me out here that feel the things that you feel, and if you can just do what i failed to do which is find someone that feels the same way, maybe even had similar experiences, and talk to them, maybe you'll find the hope that i never could
hold on!
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