Practical Advice Trying hard…

[JMG]

Didn’t know where else to post about this, venting “in my diary” is fine but I guess part of the reason I wanted to post a bit about it here is out of curiosity about how others have dealt with/handled similar kinds of things, and maybe also to get an idea of approximately how “long” it took them to get to the point of “acceptance” with it as well. Even if others haven’t dealt with this, if there’s a way to “imagine what you might do in this situation” that would still be helpful too. Just feels like I need others “perspectives” on it pretty much.

Ok so here goes: I have VERY FEW people in my life (family or friends) and as of last week, my sis (one of the only family members I feel truly “close” with) moved from being only about an hour away, to being about 4-5 hours away. I’m happy for her that she found a new place to live that she feels happier with, that it’s the kind of area she wants to live in (quieter) and that she is happy about the move. But there is also a part of me that feels very upset about it. Maybe even a bit mad too, as irrational as I know that is. It also makes me feel a bit afraid, because before we had at least 1 family member somewhat “close by” if there was an emergency of some kind, and now we don’t have any family very “near us” at all. We have my friend, but he is really “my” friend, not my mom’s. Anyway it is just a bit nerve wracking knowing how far away they are now. I also feel mad knowing I had zero power to influence her to not move so far away like that. So it’s just a mix of feelings I’m having about it I guess. Also feeling a bit envious of the fact that she has complete lifetime security too, she will literally never, ever have to worry about money. She has all that she’ll ever need. I’m very uncomfortable feeling envious of her because I never really did before April (when I finally found out just how much her house was worth, I hadn’t “known” before then).

Anyway I guess the main thing I’m asking here is - how do I not feel mad, upset or envious of her anymore? Doesn’t feel like something that is really possible right now and that is freaking me out a bit too. I’d never want it to just stay like this with me feeling this way, but I don’t know how to not have those feelings about it anymore basically. Maybe it’s one of those “it will heal with time” kinds of things or something, I just don’t know. She has no idea I feel upset, mad, afraid, worried or any other “negative” kinds of things about it, as far as she knows I am just “happy for her” for moving somewhere she’s happy with. I don’t think I could ever really, truly tell her about these feelings though cos I’d be worried she’d judge me as being selfish or something.

Ok well sorry I know this is quite long so the last thing I’ll say is if you have read all this then you already have a LOT of gratitude from me for caring enough to read all this Thank you for caring, and I would be so grateful for perspectives on what I said above, thank you in advance to anyone who takes the time to reply as well, any perspectives on it will definitely be helpful

 

[JMG]

Could a mod please change the “prefix” thing beside the thread title to the “practical advice” selection? I would be very grateful, please and thank you (tried to edit and change it myself but I guess it doesn’t let you change the prefix part after the topic has been posted) just want people to know I am hoping for some feedback about what I said, not actually “advice” so much, but perspective about it all anyway. It’s a really challenging thing for me to get much self-perspective about emotional kinds of things most of the time.

 

[1Lefty]

It sounds like you suffered a loss, and are grieving the loss of your sister, and the security of having her nearby. Those are substantial losses, complicated, and may take time to sort out. She's still living, so you're also grieving the separation. If you look at it that way, then it's not strange to be upset. I suppose you would go through a grieving process, which takes time to resolve. How long it takes will vary, although you can read books, join groups, etc to try to shorten the time. What I do is pray. I pray for peace of mind, acceptance and the other person's well-being and happiness. Praying for her that way may help you release any negativity you are feeling. I wish the best for you, it's not an easy situation

peace

 

[JMG]

Hey @1Lefty wow thank you SO much for replying here, and also for those very wise things you said! Ya see, now that I’m reading you say that about grieving, I think maybe on “some level” I “knew that” but I was blocked from being more “aware” of it. Probably due to it being the “feeling” level of my mind or something. Anyway ya everything you said there makes a lot of sense and you are so right, that is what it is. Darn, I think a part of me had maybe been hoping it was “something else” that I’d be able to “do something about” to help those feelings stop “sooner” but no, grieving is something that I know and understand cannot ever be rushed. Ok, well I guess when I said the thing about “maybe only time will heal it” I was along the right “track” with guessing what it was about. Was maybe in denial about it or who knows. Man I really could benefit from talking to a “professional” wow, like just all this complex stuff I’m trying to navigate and “figure out” all by myself, wow. It’s enough to make anyone completely lose their mind, I’m damn lucky I haven’t lol.

Anyway thank you very much for your kind reassurance that it isn’t strange to be feeling like I do about it. Yes, I will see what books I can find at the library about grieving, or perhaps try to find a site that has some tips/info on “things to keep in mind with it” that will also help with giving some perspective on it. That’s all I feel like I need, that helps me almost more than anything else with not feeling like I’m just drowning in my own mind. Other perspectives on thinking about it are like lifelines for me to hold onto, little rays of hope, plus by the very act of others reaching out like that, it helps me feel much more cared about and also less alone.

Ok, I will absolutely take your advice of praying deeply to heart. Wishing her well, wishing myself well, wishing for us to all have peace and happiness, focusing on positive things, it will all help me feel more hopeful and less likely to get sucked into any kind of negativity about it. Very excellent advice, truly, thank you again very much, you’re very kind! Thank you also for wishing me the best with it, that means more to me than any words I could say. I wish the best for you too of course, always

 

[Angie]

Could a mod please change the “prefix” thing beside the thread title to the “practical advice” selection? I would be very grateful, please and thank you (tried to edit and change it myself but I guess it doesn’t let you change the prefix part after the topic has been posted) just want people to know I am hoping for some feedback about what I said, not actually “advice” so much, but perspective about it all anyway. It’s a really challenging thing for me to get much self-perspective about emotional kinds of things most of the time.

changed for you

Family can be challenging, even the best of families. Of course you feel badly that your sister is so far away, it makes sense. My own family is estranged for complicated reasons so I don't have much practical advice for you, just wanted you to know I am reading along and hoping you do feel better soon!

 

[JMG]

Thank you so much @Angie for changing the prefix thing, and also for your kind, compassionate, understanding and reassuring reply, I appreciate it very much

I also appreciate what you said at the end that you read what I said and hope I feel better soon.

Hope you’re well too

 

[may71]

What was your relationship with your sister like, and her relationship with your mother before she moved? Do you feel like intentionally distancing herself was part of the motive, or was being further away just coincidental?

 

[JMG]

Hey @may71 thank you so much for your reply We didn’t see my sis all that often before she moved (ie when she only lived about an hour away) but I guess it was usually in Mar or April for Easter, then usually a visit sometime in June or July (not always though), definitely in Aug or Sept (when her and my bdays are), October for my mom’s bday, and Christmas. So ya it probably averaged out to a bit less than “every other month” that we got to see her. Not sure if it will still be that way now, will probably be just Mar/April, Aug/Sept, Oct and Dec now. But I don’t think the move was to intentionally get further away, just the way the housing situation is around here these days. They wanted to get the most for their $ (and be making the least amount of sacrifices) and that’s the area that gave them a lot more of what they wanted. So no, I know rationally that they would never have moved further away to get away from us or anything like that. They had been considering moving to the other side of the country before that (last year) omg I’m so glad they didn’t do that, we couldn’t even afford to take a plane anywhere and back once every 5 years, let alone once every year. Woulda been heartbreaking if they did that.

Anyway despite still feeling like I’m in mourning/grieving about her now living so much further away, I feel like compared to when I posted this 11 days ago that I am at least in a better and clearer place about all of it now. I hadn’t realized (or maybe just hadn’t been ready to admit it to myself, I can be stubborn like that sometimes) that I was “grieving” but once I realized/stopped denying that, it ultimately helped me start to acknowledge just how scared to death I was (and still am a bit, but less so now at least) about it. Everything people wrote here really helped me get the perspective I needed on all of it, and the original purpose of why I posted it in the first place (to get help/clarity via different perspectives on it) feels like it has been resolved.

Tysm again for taking the time to reply here though, I appreciate it very much. Special thanks of deep gratitude also to 1Lefty and Angie, you’ve all really helped me a lot and it means so much to me!

 

[MisterBGone]

Hey @may71 thank you so much for your reply We didn’t see my sis all that often before she moved (ie when she only lived about an hour away) but I guess it was usually in Mar or April for Easter, then usually a visit sometime in June or July (not always though), definitely in Aug or Sept (when her and my bdays are), October for my mom’s bday, and Christmas. So ya it probably averaged out to a bit less than “every other month” that we got to see her. Not sure if it will still be that way now, will probably be just Mar/April, Aug/Sept, Oct and Dec now. But I don’t think the move was to intentionally get further away, just the way the housing situation is around here these days. They wanted to get the most for their $ (and be making the least amount of sacrifices) and that’s the area that gave them a lot more of what they wanted. So no, I know rationally that they would never have moved further away to get away from us or anything like that. They had been considering moving to the other side of the country before that (last year) omg I’m so glad they didn’t do that, we couldn’t even afford to take a plane anywhere and back once every 5 years, let alone once every year. Woulda been heartbreaking if they did that.

Anyway despite still feeling like I’m in mourning/grieving about her now living so much further away, I feel like compared to when I posted this 11 days ago that I am at least in a better and clearer place about all of it now. I hadn’t realized (or maybe just hadn’t been ready to admit it to myself, I can be stubborn like that sometimes) that I was “grieving” but once I realized/stopped denying that, it ultimately helped me start to acknowledge just how scared to death I was (and still am a bit, but less so now at least) about it. Everything people wrote here really helped me get the perspective I needed on all of it, and the original purpose of why I posted it in the first place (to get help/clarity via different perspectives on it) feels like it has been resolved.

Tysm again for taking the time to reply here though, I appreciate it very much. Special thanks of deep gratitude also to 1Lefty and Angie, you’ve all really helped me a lot and it means so much to me!

Hugs, @JMG ! : )

 

[JMG]

Tysm @MisterBGone that's so kind of you and I appreciate it a lot!
back to you too (if you are wanting/needing them of course)

 

[LonelyHiker]

Sorry to hear your sister is moving @JMG , I hope you can maintain a strong relationship with her despite the distance..I can relate to the situation in some ways.. ((hugs))

 

[JMG]

Tysm @LonelyHiker that’s so kind of you to say and I really appreciate it a lot back to you too, and sorry to hear you can relate to the situation in some ways. I hope whatever the situation is for you that it will get better soon. Ya I’m hoping I’ll still be able to have a strong relationship with my sis despite the distance too for sure.

 

[BarryW]

I think @1Lefty is spot-on. From my experience, having fewer people I am emotionally close to means that I value each one of them more. So having 1 of them move away, or getting in a fight with one of them, becomes a big deal without that large safety net of 10 more close friends that some magical people might have earned. That could be why this is hitting you harder than you might have expected.

Money is a weird thing. Years ago I had a coworker tell me their monthly rent, which was triple what I was paying. Honestly I still can't wrap my mind around it. But to some degree I try to let that sort of thing go in one ear and out the other. Maybe your sister has a house that costs more than I will earn in my entire life. Sadly those are not even hard to find these days. But is your sister a person who has a house to you, or first and foremost a person who you have a shared history and memories with? See if you can focus on the positive bond you have with her and let the other details drip out of your brain onto the floor where they will be forgotten.

 

[MisterBGone]

Tysm @MisterBGone that's so kind of you and I appreciate it a lot!
back to you too (if you are wanting/needing them of course)

Always! @JMG (for) I am known as... A (real) 'Hugging-machine!'
or maybe it's the complete opppostite of that~?*

 

[Survivorist]

I drove for one year from Brussels in Belgium to Munich in Germany (800 KM) to be with my family and friends. Only then (after time) I was able to build up new relations. I just got in my car Friday evening, arrived around midnight, and spent a nice WE. Same on the way back. Later on I discovered that flying was actually quicker and cheaper - if booked largely in advance. So if you want to keep contact and it is important for you - its easy.

On the other side - after all these years - people come and go. Some die. There is nothing we can do that accept. Another good thing is WhatsApp - it is like a life-line. At least, this is my experience. And my wife is 5000 KM from here, Family 1500. Otherwise I am alone - and enjoy it. Point.

 

[Lifeisthis]

Just go with the flow life small steps