sorry i know this is very long. yesterday morning i tried to kill myself. I've been severely depressed for a while. I have a history of getting into trouble with drugs and alcohol all through high school. they help me cope and i eventually realized its all i think about and all i ever wanted to do (not be sober). i moved away to stay out of trouble and recently my parents found out i was using substances to cope again. the night before last i got really drunk with my brother at home and in the morning my mom could smell the tequila in my room and then found the empty bottle. immediately she and my dad started yelling, they took my phone, my dad told me he wanted me to move out by the end of the day. and i had been thinking about suicide for about a month or two (and i mean really thinking about it, planning it out and everything), i thought about it every day, wishing i weren't alive. it was pretty impulsive on my part but i had also been wanting to end my life for a while, and so i thought now is the perfect time to do it because I'm about to lose everything again. I wrote a note to my family and i started to do it, but then i started panicking, i got scared, and my mom knocked soon after, and i rushed to the door, started bawling, and told her what i had just tried to do. she started crying and just held me and told me not to feel ashamed. the look on my parents faces.....i can't even describe the guilt i feel. they haven't left me alone and we are trying to figure out what my best option is. I realized how scared i am to die and that i do want to live, i just don't want to live this way, i want to get better. I'm so confused and still in shock. I just want to know, what do i do now? where do i go from here? what will help me to get better? I'm going to see a psychiatrist this week and try out antidepressants. I'm going to meditate at least 10 minutes every day, i just got a new job which will help keep me busy hopefully, I'm just going to take it easy on myself and go slow. but does anyone have any suggestions of what else i should be doing, what has worked for you? the thought of doing any school work overwhelms me but i know i have to get it done. i also feel like i have so many problems with myself and inside my mind. that overwhelms me too. thank you so much for any support/suggestions. I hope you're okay too.
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also my new friends out here where I'm living don't know about my situation...should i tell them? they're really sweet people. i find it hard to go about it like nothings wrong, pretending like I'm fine, but i also don't want to freak them out/dont want them to judge me/dont want to burden them with my issues. whats the right thing to do here?
I think that you are taking great steps to change your life around. I don't have experience with medication, but you can try different ones and see what works best for you. You can tell your friends about what happened if you think they are understanding. You said they are nice people so I think that it will be good to get things off your chest. Sometimes even just talking helps.
I am sorry that you have been through such a terrible time. Going to see a psychiatrist is definitely a good idea, and they may be able to direct you to services that help you deal with substance abuse. It sounds like medication and therapy might help. Hopefully having a new job will give your some purpose to keep going. If you feel comfortable in telling your friends about what's happening, I would go for it because it's horrible to have to go through depression alone. All the best :hug:
You certainly are trying as hard as you can to turn your life around. Congratulations on the new job, I hope you will enjoy it 
Going to the psychiatrist is also another great idea. Best advice I can give you on that note is no matter how embarrassed or ashamed you're feeling about anything you have done in the past, open up and be as honest as you can so they can get the full picture, it is important to build up a good relationship to the psychiatrist so you can trust each other and relate to each other. One other thing I want to add is, you say in high school you were using drink/drugs to help you cope...what was it that you could not cope with? That would definitely be a good start to your recovery is coming to terms with the past. Best of luck to you, you sure sound like you are really trying hard and I hope you succeed. Let us know how it goes! :hug:
Going to the psychiatrist is also another great idea. Best advice I can give you on that note is no matter how embarrassed or ashamed you're feeling about anything you have done in the past, open up and be as honest as you can so they can get the full picture, it is important to build up a good relationship to the psychiatrist so you can trust each other and relate to each other. One other thing I want to add is, you say in high school you were using drink/drugs to help you cope...what was it that you could not cope with? That would definitely be a good start to your recovery is coming to terms with the past. Best of luck to you, you sure sound like you are really trying hard and I hope you succeed. Let us know how it goes! :hug:- Status