I wish I knew what I could say that would help. I have also been where you described. Somehow I managed to keep my friends, but boy did I screw up my work relationships. That seemed to be where my trauma based anger showed up. All my friends were angry too, so we had that to keep us together.
Sometimes, what helps me is to be seen, meaning not just noticed, but also understood, and possibly even appreciated. It’s rare, but it does happen. I think it’s a basic human need. What works for you may be different. It could be useful to look closely at what are the human needs that you are missing presently. Usually much of our misbehavior comes from unsuccessful attempts to get these needs met, but in the wrong way.
I can also nearly guarantee that looking too long at the past is going to make one miserable. There’s a saying that we can look back at the past, but don’t stare. Learning from past mistakes is one thing. Marinating in coulda/shoulda/woulda thoughts is another. The latter is going to increase pain more often than not.
Another danger of too much past focus is distorted “if only” thinking. If only I had a new car, the right partner, etc. Then I would be happy. Wrong. I have managed to achieve most of my “if only” desires, and now I’m miserable with more stuff. If my pain is independent of external factors, then maybe contentment is also available within. I don’t know; I haven’t been able to do it yet. Simply recognizing that my past focus is harming me doesn’t help me live in the present.
I don’t know. I feel like I should stop here and see if any of this resonates with you? In the meantime, please know that you are worthy of the same dignity and respect that is inherent to all people. This is unconditional, meaning that it doesn’t depend on your actions. Therefore, you are worth being cared for, ESPECIALLY by yourself. It’s good to be nice to oneself. So please take good care of yourself in the meantime.
