If I don't fly, I can't crash.

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rosebud217

Member
#1
#1
I am having a really rough day... week... month... year.... LIFE. I can't even stand to look at myself anymore. I feel like all I ever do is let everyone down. I spend nearly every minute of my life trying to help my disabled daddy and keep my own family going, running after everyone and trying to be there for everyone... trying SO hard to hold my head high and put my big girl boots back on, but I am tired of trying so hard while all I ever get is more criticism. More complaining. I am stretched to the limit physically, emotionally, and financially. Nothing I do ever seems to be good enough anymore. I find myself locked in the bathroom or bedroom fighting with myself about just freakin ending it all. To be honest, the only reason I don't do it right now is that I have failed at my past attempts, and I am actually afraid to screw it up and end up being more of a burden to people.

And I dont want to go back to the hospital. I can't.

I just want to close it all out. I feel such anger and resentment.
I am nothing but a damn doormat. Anytime I stand up for myself, I hear "did u forget to take ur meds?" UGH.

My husband doesn't even sleep with me anymore most nights. We used to be SO inlove, but now, he doesn't even kiss me goodbye. I feel like he hates me. I feel like I have let him, and everyone else down. I just want to scream! I want SO badly to just lose control, give in to it, and let the rest of the world rot.

I can feel myself closing up. Like a turtle in it's protective shell. Keeping the world out. I am so tired of fighting it.
 
total eclipse

total eclipse

SF Friend
Staff Alumni
#2
#2
i totally understand hun i being a caregiver of so many myself Perhaps hun you should take some time away just you and your husband get away even if it is just for a night hun from the rest of the family. You take care of you ok get the help you need to survive and tell the rest that you will not be the doormat anymore hun hugs
 
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rosebud217

Member
#3
#3
I wish I could just get away with him, but i don't think he wants that anymore. To be honest, I think this is just too much for him. I really don't think he is in love with me anymore. I can't blame him though. I have gained 30lbs in the last few months due to meds. I am sad, angry, and crying most of the time anymore, and I'm just not strong enough to keep going. My old self was a clean freak, but I dont even want to clean or do laundry anymore. I just don't care. On the days that are better I try to clean and catch up, but I am just completely overwhelmed. I keep trying to stay strong for my dad, but his health is deteriorating, and to be honest, it is everything I can do to hang in there for him. I know he needs me and doesnt have anyone else, but today, while sitting in the doc office with him, I made a decision; When daddy goes, I am going to go also.
 
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rosebud217

Member
#4
#4
I cant do it anymore. He cut his ring off of his finger. He was the one person in this world that I thought could actually love me no matter what. When I tried to talk to him all I heard was all of the things I have done wrong. Not anything about what HE has said to me... not one thing about how he has treated me. NOt a hey- we r going thru tough times. no.... it's all me. I'm just a f*** up. everything I touch is broken. I know I need to move on. I know I am stronger on my own where no one an hurt me.... but I loved him dammit. I gave him all I had. It just wasnt enuf. I just want it to be over. everything. Im so damn tired of smiling and laughing and pretending. EVERYTHING HURTS.
 
Wastingecho

Wastingecho

Well-Known Member
#6
#6
Hon - it's not you - some people are really good at taking and we don't notice when that changes until it's too late

You sound like a loving, caring person and I think that there is someone else out there who will be the one you deserve
 
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rosebud217

Member
#7
#7
thank U. I needed some kind words tonight. My daughter just came by also... my saving grace right there. For a 19 yr old, she really has her stuff together. She shouldnt have to hold me up. it isnt fair. but she does it anyway. Made me feel so much better.
 
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rosebud217

Member
#8
#8
my husband is a loving caring person also. he really is. He has the best heart of anyone I have ever known. I just think i am too much for him. he doesnt know how to deal with it. He is trying though, God bless him. He is just as frustrated as I am, and to be honest... I think he is going thru a lot of the same feelings. He needs help too.
 
Wastingecho

Wastingecho

Well-Known Member
#12
#12
You haven't come across many of my posts - I know exactly how you feel

We were raised to be the strong ones - the responsible ones

And it hurts when we feel that we've failed in those responsibilities

It doesn't make us bad people - just people in pain
 
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rosebud217

Member
#14
#14
and yeh.. always had to be the tough one. My adopted brother raped me for about 6 years, and when they said I needed counseling, my family said "oh no, she is a clifton. she can tuff it out." so i was raped repeatedly throughout my life, and always... same thing.. she is tough. she is fine...... and when I grew up, and HE still did it.. made his comments about me, it was always... oh u took it wrong.... tuff up.
 
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rosebud217

Member
#15
#15
I decided tonite. I cant even b there for my dad. his steel toed boots kind of left a mark, and I DONT CARE. David CUT his ring off of his finger, and for me, that was the last straw. I have nothing left. I hurt worse right now than I ever have. I cant take anymore.
 
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