1 year for mom..

[foreverforgotten]

Its been 1 year.
It went by so fast.
I have a gaping empty hole. And a hollow wall hiding it. I feel left behind. In the dust.
as the world moves on.

With my mom. The guilt hurts me so much..........
I should have been better. I'm sorry. I'm so sorry.
It grabs onto my heart, and squeezes it. The guilt.
(Anyone else?)

I feel numb. And I'm forgetting things.
And that bothers me. I'm forgetting memories. And what their voices sounded like. (Mom and dad)
and it hurts my heart. (Anyone else forgetting stuff?)

Voices are precious. Looking at photos feels fake. Did they really exist at all? (Anyone else?)
I feel like I'm losing my self.. and them.

voices mean everything. ... I miss them so sorely..
I want to hear their voices again.. So much...

I don't want to forget. But everyday I'm alone living in this world without mom and dad. Im convinced its a dream. The world flipped upside down when they both died. And I'm not sure its the same anymore. The same world.

When will it feel real again? (Anyone know when it will feel real again?)

I'm spreading my moms ashes In 2 weeks.
I dont want to.. I don't want to look at the box

 

[foreverforgotten]

Anyone know of any things to make this process easier? This closure process?

 

[Pebble mouse]

Anyone know of any things to make this process easier? This closure process?

I wish I could help you with that, but no. My mum died over 30 years ago and it's still raw. All I can say is to treasure your memories of your time with her, and, send you ((hugs)).

 

[So so tired]

Its been 1 year.
It went by so fast.
I have a gaping empty hole. And a hollow wall hiding it. I feel left behind. In the dust.
as the world moves on.

With my mom. The guilt hurts me so much..........
I should have been better. I'm sorry. I'm so sorry.
It grabs onto my heart, and squeezes it. The guilt.
(Anyone else?)

I feel numb. And I'm forgetting things.
And that bothers me. I'm forgetting memories. And what their voices sounded like. (Mom and dad)
and it hurts my heart. (Anyone else forgetting stuff?)

Voices are precious. Looking at photos feels fake. Did they really exist at all? (Anyone else?)
I feel like I'm losing my self.. and them.

voices mean everything. ... I miss them so sorely..
I want to hear their voices again.. So much...

I don't want to forget. But everyday I'm alone living in this world without mom and dad. Im convinced its a dream. The world flipped upside down when they both died. And I'm not sure its the same anymore. The same world.

When will it feel real again? (Anyone know when it will feel real again?)

I'm spreading my moms ashes In 2 weeks.
I dont want to.. I don't want to look at the box

Hi @foreverforgotten

My sincere condolences for your loss.
A year is very little time within the grief process. The feelings you are experiencing are normal but so painful to deal with, I know.
We all grieve differently and our feeling can and do fluctuate all the time.
There are several stages of grief but there is no guarantee that we go through them in any kind of order. Acceptance being the last stage but hard to reach because it represents letting go which is something I've always struggled with.
I think the feelings of things not being real is denial.
I have experienced this to the extent of paranoia, believing that my life was a complete dream and my husband would not leave me. I nearly reported him missing to the police at one point. I also revisited our old family home looking for him.
Its very frightening and real but I think its an extreme protective mechanism of the mind.

I also believe that our memories will always be there but we sometimes subconsciously block them out because of the pain they bring which could also be other coping mechanism. So they may return in time.
Do you have any video clips of them which will remind you of their voices, please be careful and mindful as it's very upsetting to see these for the first time.
I completely understand that scattering the ashes will be incredibly tough but I also think it's something that will remain very challenging irrespective of the length of time that you leave it.
It may help with a small part of the closure process you have mentioned.

I am so sorry to see you struggling.
Sending you hugs

So so tired.

 

[Windhover]

Anyone know of any things to make this process easier? This closure process?

I’m sorry for the loss of your mother. There isn’t any easier way, but reaching to us can help. I think so.

What helped me was telling myself that my loved one was resting before their journey onward. That they were in a bardo.

I tell myself that they know how much I loved them.

I lost my brother 3 yrs ago. We were close. His voice was deep & warm! & often kind of loud.

I hope her voice, your mother’s voice, comes to feel like it’s part of you.

hug
- seabird

 

[may71]

Anyone know of any things to make this process easier?

A book about grieving might help.

An Introduction to Coping with Grief, 2nd Edition
Sue Morris

Grief Works: Stories of Life, Death and Surviving
Julia Samuel


The reading-well booklist, reading-well.org (no www) has some additional info about these books. There may be other books on grieving that you'd like, but these books have been vetted by mental health professionals in the UK.

I hope something can help.

 

[Windhover]

I hope you’re coping alrig@foreverforgotten .

Thinking of you & encourage you to take good care of yourself.
hug

- seabird

 

[foreverforgotten]

Today my coworker Vic got me lunch. It was chuvjrn curry with vegetables and rice. He also gave me $10 and a hug

Yesterday, my coworker bought me lunch at Salad n Go. She gave me money too...they are nice coworkers. I feel guilty leaving..
My manager gave me a hug..

It was my last day today. Before the new job takes hold...

 

[zythalore]

I'm very deeply sorry for your loss and sending you my condolences. I've also been in the middle of my grief due to the loss of my partner 3 and a half months ago, but things are really complicated for me right now. Just letting you know I understand what you feel. Please take care of yourself and always remember that we're here and you are never alone.

It was also nice hearing you had a great experience with your kind and generous co-workers on your last day at work. Good luck on your job and I hope you will be okay and could easily adjust there. I'm giving you my hug too.

 

[foreverforgotten]

Whoops lol. That previous post was meant for my diary aiiyy

 

[foreverforgotten]

I'm very deeply sorry for your loss and sending you my condolences. I've also been in the middle of my grief due to the loss of my partner 3 and a half months ago, but things are really complicated for me right now. Just letting you know I understand what you feel. Please take care of yourself and always remember that we're here and you are never alone.

It was also nice hearing you had a great experience with your kind and generous co-workers on your last day at work. Good luck on your job and I hope you will be okay and could easily adjust there. I'm giving you my hug too.

Thank you 💜

 

[foreverforgotten]

I hope her voice, your mother’s voice, comes to feel like it’s part of you.

hug
- seabird

Thank you... This is very meaningful for me...
There's many ways so I can't explain it.

 

[foreverforgotten]

"I completely understand that scattering the ashes will be incredibly tough but I also think it's something that will remain very challenging irrespective of the length of time that you leave it. "


That's very true..... I will try to accept that...
Its going to be hard... im really struggling with yhe concept of her being in that box..... thank you for your thoughts..