My depression is getting so bad, it feels like it will never end. For the past month it has been really bad. I cry everyday and often several time a day. It is not just one thing that is making me depressed or anxious, it is more generalized. I go through anxiety attacks that make me obsess over certain things, i try to be rational about things, I over think and over intellectualize, but nothing helps. I live with constant worries and fear, everyday I wake up I feel like I am going to battle, another dreadful day ahead of me, it feels like there is impending doom. I try to occupy myself with doing things, but nothing helps. I half ass everything. I find it so hard to get up in the morning, to shave, to shower, and everything gives me anxiety to do, but i do it half dead. I also feel tired all the time. I haven't felt this depressed in over a few years and the thing is I don't really ever remember feeling this bad. It just doesn't make sense. In the past I used to feel very depressed because I was so lonely and had no friends, now I have people to talk to, I see people everyday, I do not feel lonely anymore, but I feel more depressed than ever. My life is empty now, i don't enjoy anything i used to, i lost a lot over the past year, I lost my best friend a few months ago, i was not able to be in school this semester so I don't have that, my old interests and bad habits which did give me temporary relief, i kicked. I feel empty, like there is a void in me, it is like a dull pain. And I wonder how long this will last. I can't imagine living my life like this for a long time, something has to happen, otherwise I don't know what I will do, I would rather die then live like this everyday for a long time. I am trying to be patient with my depression, i am trying to give it time, my migraines got better with time and vitamins, my insomnia got better with time, I remember thinking that I would never sleep again and eventually I finally slept one night without taking any medications, it just happened naturally, that is what I want to happen with my depression and fears, I want them to go away naturally on their own, perhaps with time. I've tried anti depressants before but I truly believe that i can get better without them, i don't know how, or how long, but that is how I feel right now. I am being so nice to everyone I meet recently, more than ever, I am opening up my heart to people, I want to show love. I've had a lot of anger for so many years, my heart was closed shut and I did not care about anyone, I was cold. But i do not feel like this anymore, and I want the world to forgive me for this, I am also trying to forgive myself. I am sorry for the hate, for the anger, for the coldness, please give me sympathy and compassion, please try and understand me, and please don't judge me; I am trying my best to get myself out of this, to do the right thing, to be a good person, but i feel like i am losing myself and the battle against me depression, I fear that I will die because of this, I feel trapped, like there is no escape, no freedom. I have changed a lot over the past six months, I feel like a totally different person, this is both good and bad, good because I am trying to love and live in this world and I am trying to better myself, but bad because I have not felt this depression, anxiety, fear, and hopelessness in such a long time, perhaps I never even felt it at this level. I want to look back at this time as a hard moment in my life that I survived and came out for the better, but that seems like it will never happen, like that day will never come. I give it everything I have, spirituality, faith, education, but it feels like it is all to no avail. I am still here though, but I am not in a good spot.