2014

Discussion in 'Mental Health Disorders' started by Auerbach, Mar 29, 2014.

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  1. Auerbach

    Auerbach Well-Known Member

    My depression is getting so bad, it feels like it will never end. For the past month it has been really bad. I cry everyday and often several time a day. It is not just one thing that is making me depressed or anxious, it is more generalized. I go through anxiety attacks that make me obsess over certain things, i try to be rational about things, I over think and over intellectualize, but nothing helps. I live with constant worries and fear, everyday I wake up I feel like I am going to battle, another dreadful day ahead of me, it feels like there is impending doom. I try to occupy myself with doing things, but nothing helps. I half ass everything. I find it so hard to get up in the morning, to shave, to shower, and everything gives me anxiety to do, but i do it half dead. I also feel tired all the time. I haven't felt this depressed in over a few years and the thing is I don't really ever remember feeling this bad. It just doesn't make sense. In the past I used to feel very depressed because I was so lonely and had no friends, now I have people to talk to, I see people everyday, I do not feel lonely anymore, but I feel more depressed than ever.

    My life is empty now, i don't enjoy anything i used to, i lost a lot over the past year, I lost my best friend a few months ago, i was not able to be in school this semester so I don't have that, my old interests and bad habits which did give me temporary relief, i kicked. I feel empty, like there is a void in me, it is like a dull pain. And I wonder how long this will last. I can't imagine living my life like this for a long time, something has to happen, otherwise I don't know what I will do, I would rather die then live like this everyday for a long time. I am trying to be patient with my depression, i am trying to give it time, my migraines got better with time and vitamins, my insomnia got better with time, I remember thinking that I would never sleep again and eventually I finally slept one night without taking any medications, it just happened naturally, that is what I want to happen with my depression and fears, I want them to go away naturally on their own, perhaps with time. I've tried anti depressants before but I truly believe that i can get better without them, i don't know how, or how long, but that is how I feel right now.

    I am being so nice to everyone I meet recently, more than ever, I am opening up my heart to people, I want to show love. I've had a lot of anger for so many years, my heart was closed shut and I did not care about anyone, I was cold. But i do not feel like this anymore, and I want the world to forgive me for this, I am also trying to forgive myself. I am sorry for the hate, for the anger, for the coldness, please give me sympathy and compassion, please try and understand me, and please don't judge me; I am trying my best to get myself out of this, to do the right thing, to be a good person, but i feel like i am losing myself and the battle against me depression, I fear that I will die because of this, I feel trapped, like there is no escape, no freedom.

    I have changed a lot over the past six months, I feel like a totally different person, this is both good and bad, good because I am trying to love and live in this world and I am trying to better myself, but bad because I have not felt this depression, anxiety, fear, and hopelessness in such a long time, perhaps I never even felt it at this level.

    I want to look back at this time as a hard moment in my life that I survived and came out for the better, but that seems like it will never happen, like that day will never come. I give it everything I have, spirituality, faith, education, but it feels like it is all to no avail. I am still here though, but I am not in a good spot.
     
  2. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    I am sorry to hear the depression is getting worse hun perhaps therapy could help you if you do not want to take meds Sometimes just talking to someone that does not judge but will listen and truly hear you and help you. I use meds only when i get so low i cannot pull myself out then when i am out i let the meds go again jsut me though

    I am glad you are talking here it helps to know you can release the thoughts and sadness some without being judged Hope in time the sadness will lessen and you will have more good days hugs to you
     
  3. youRprecious!

    youRprecious! Antiquities Friend

    Hi Auerbach, pleased to meet you. I believe there is a ton of hope for you waiting to be discovered, because you have a very good grasp on your levels of self-awareness. I do understand that trying to shake off depression does not happen overnight, but also that time is a great healer, once you muster the motivation from the decision you have made to stick in there. Good spots will return to you, in little glimpses from time to time, and increase once you know that you have done as much as you know how to do to get into good spaces, rather than dwell on stuff that has happened in the past. Our futures do not have to be just more of the past, once we've gained insights we didn't have back then. Please do not feel bad about how you think you used to be - everything is redeemable, most of all our characters, which is what this life is all about. the steps towards maturity are necessarily immature - we have all been there at one time, and many still are, understanding, and because of our humanity - we all are just wanting to be loved and valued for ourselves. :) As you give tolerance and understanding to others, wanting the very best for them, the law of cause and effect will kick in
     
  4. Auerbach

    Auerbach Well-Known Member

    Thanks everyone.
     
  5. youRprecious!

    youRprecious! Antiquities Friend

    you're welcome, big hugs to you! :arms:
     
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