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3/23/07, I want to die

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Another day of hell again. Today my father came home at around 4am, after spending a few days at the casinos. I came home from school, and there he was, sitting on the sofa rambling on about stuff to my mom. My mom just sits there like a puppet and listens to his shit. How he gambled, where he stayed, how him cursing off the people gambling near him. Him saying how the only thing that holds him back from everything is that he doesn’t speak the English language. That is his excuse in life.

After coming home from Blair’s house and a few hours later, he asked my mom for money I think. And my mom refused, because obviously, its for gambling. Trouble broke out, arguments, violence… I don’t know what happen very well but a few minutes later, I heard my mom scream and I ran upstairs. Something happened and he grabbed her hair with my little sister as a witness.

He says he’s testing everyone, but why? Why does he always come home after he gambles and find a way to make everyone’s day a living hell. Why? I don’t understand. He always picks on my mom, that’s because she’s the only person that takes his shit.

After running upstairs to the room they were in, he had a suitcase and I guess was packing. I got angry out of instinct and kicked the suitcase on the floor after seeing my mom as she held her head and cried.

Sorry if you guys don’t understand the story, but these are words from the inside of me. He says we, as children have no right to interfere with their issues. But how can we not intervene when he is abusing her? I just want to say that to him sometimes, speak out but I never could. But one day, when things get worst, when I can no longer hold it inside, everything will spill out of me and I’m afraid I can’t control the things I do in the future. Everytime something happens, even if its little, it piles up inside me, it hides, until trouble stirs up again, and the little things inside my head will come out, will make me angry, sad, depressed, turned my day from an outstanding fun day to a day I wish I was dead.

Everytime something happens, towards the end, I feel that the only way to get away from all of this is to just.. die. How can I move on in life, when there is someone in my life like this. He says as the youngest son, all that he have left, is to hope I succeed in life. But how? He’s barely home, and sometimes when he’s home and I need a ride home from after school activities, it would be hard to ask because he doesn’t speak English and to pick me up would be a frustrating thing for him if he doesn’t know where he’s going.

Sometimes I just feel like when I’m older, to enlist in the service so if I die, it wouldn’t be a suicide. I don’t know what else to write. Sorry if none of this made sense, it wasn’t supposed to be on this forum, it was just supposed to be something I could look at later, or someone could, or maybe even a suicide letter. I googled suicide help and this is the site that came up. I don’t know if its an actual forum of people with problems. I need help, my family needs help, my dad needs help…. But I’m afraid its not easy. We’re not a typical American family. We’re not even American. We’ve been having issues as far as I know ever since I was 8 or 10, somewhere in my childhood. I can still remember the scenes of family fights, arguments, yelling, crying… Its all in that corner of my head, where one day I’ll shoot..


Gambling is an addiction like many others, it cripples the person under it's sway and the ramifications for loved ones is hard to bear sometimes. I don't really know any means of help addicts, especially when they have a family but if you would like a friend to talk to anytime, just drop me a line and I'll be about :)
I am sorry your dad has this problem. Many times those with addictions care about nothing other than their addiction. Anything that interferes with it is subject to abuse. It is your business when he abuses your mother. Actually it is anybodys business because it is something that should never occur in the first place. Do you have someone you can confide in about what is happening at home? Someone outside of your family needs to be aware of what is happening. You may need to call on them for help, and if they are aware of the situation they won't be blindsided. Hang in there stay safe. Don't let your dads problem take over. There is help should you choose to seek it. Take care. :hug:
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