Discussion in 'Mental Health Disorders' started by Casey., Apr 27, 2008.

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  1. Casey.

    Casey. Well-Known Member

    I had to go to the hospital today. nausia, vomitting, chest pain, shaking, passing out, etc. I dont really care anymore. saying alive isnt exactly my objective.

    why am i sitting alone in my room with wet stinging eyes? why does this lump in my throat feel as if i've not-quite-swallowed a big smooth stone? why am i, again, the selfish idiot fucking asshole that i always am, with something to say and no ability to say it?

    i'm crying now, by myself, alone and unsure if i'm right or wrong or stupid or childish or lonely or just fucking depressed or fat or sick or ugly. i'm sick of not knowing. i'm so tired of trying to clear the fog off this glass i'm behind to try and see the world clearly- everything i touch just smudges and smears and gets dirty and fucking shitty and useless.
    everything i touch just gets dirty and shitty and useless.
    i should just stop. i should fucking just stop. i should sit back in my little glass square and let it fog up. fuck all. what's there to see out there anyway?
    (stop crying andrea, nobody will hear you.)
    i should just sit back down, draw my knees up to my chest and know that i never have to try to leave it again, at least until i run out of tissues.

    (why does she get someone to hold her when she cries? why doesn't she have to cry alone?? it never matters, either. it never matters how good of a day i've had or what time it is at night, it never has to matter how trivial or recurrent the matter that brings forth her tears, she still gets to be held. she gets to be held and have her hair stroked and she gets to be told that she's not 'shit' and that she's loved and that it'll all be okay and she doesn't even have to fucking ask. WHY? why does she not even have to say a single fucking thing?? why does she just get to walk around pouty-lipped and round-shouldered and shrug saying 'i don't know, i'm just so depressed' and suddenly there i am sitting for countless futile hours of pats on the head, maternal cooing, broken-record-reassurance?
    and all the while i have to sit and cry all alone?
    why do i want to go crashing into her room right now, throw myself onto her floor like a two-year-old and sob there instead of here in my room with nothing more than a box of tissues to console me? why do i not get to just walk around slouching and sad to elicit a shoulder to cry on?
    and asking doesn't work. i've asked. fuck, i've even just plain broken down and sobbed last week and she looked at me like i was sprouting a new head. she gave me an awkward hug that felt like she was trying to recall what it was like to be comforted, or trying to do her best impression of someone who cared.
    ... and i know it's not that she doesn't care. i know she does. i just wish she cared enough that she was in here right now telling me that it was okay. i have nobody else to comfort me, and i wish that she'd at least try.)
  2. ItThing

    ItThing Well-Known Member

    :( it's okay andy, I'm always uncertain about myself, and it's not selfish to be hurt and jealous, it's not your fault!
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