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Discussion in 'Mid Life and Getting Older' started by yawnnui, Apr 6, 2017.

  1. yawnnui

    yawnnui New Member

    Hi everyone.
    I'm taking a short break from crying to post here. I'm a married woman who turned 35 a few months ago. I've had a rough life I guess. Raised with childhood emotional abuse and neglect in poverty. Only child, always alone. My parents both died in my early 20's. I spent 7 years as a housebound agoraphobic and since then have fought hard and failed again and again. I went to college and got good grades despite suffering horrible depression, anxiety and suicidal ideation. I dropped out senior year out of despair realizing that even if I did graduate, I wouldn't be able to get a job in my field. I tried countless other ideas for ways to make money or have any sense of purpose or competency but I always lose motivation and quit.

    I tried so hard to make friends. I went to meetup groups, joined clubs, took classes, tried to be friendly and outgoing, tried initiating. People just don't like me. Several times in school people would change seats just to get away from me. It's so heartbreaking. I don't know what makes me so unlikable. I do everything I can.

    The one friend I was able to make I married. I've been married to him for 5 years. He's a wonderful person who's been nothing but good to me. Ever since I've been with him I've been suicidal off and on. I keep holding on because I don't want to hurt him. Because he insists he loves me despite what a total failure I am. It kills me that I'm going to have to do this to him. But I think long term it is for his own good as well. He deserves better than me.

    I've been to some 13 or 14 different psych professionals. Pdocs, counselors, CBT specialists. I've tried drugs, therapy, everything but my life just goes nowhere and I continue to suffer in my home alone everyday while my husband works. I have no friends or family or fulfilling work. Lately I've started getting triggered by the sight of babies and children. I guess my biological clock is going off or something. I imagine getting older in isolation, with no children, no friends, no job, nothing but my sweet suffering husband, and I just can't stomach it. Last week I couldn't stop crying thinking about it and wound up self harming. Something I haven't done since I was a teen. After that in panic and desperation I told my husband I want to have a baby.

    For a few days the thought gave me so much happiness and hope and optimism. I got so much done. I didn't cry. My husband said that if I can keep being good like that, we can try for a child. But today it all disappeared. I cried thinking about how stupid and cruel it would be to bring someone into the world in a desperate attempt to save my worthless failed life. I know I can't do it. It's wrong. But I can't go through the rest of my life crying every time I see a child. Being stuck in this house alone and without purpose. Refreshing websites that haven't amused me for years. I can't do it anymore and I can't change.

    I'm no stranger to suicidal thoughts, but this time feels different. This time I feel truly trapped and utterly hopeless and I can no longer tolerate the pain. I'm so sorry to my husband who's cared for me for so long. I hope he heals and finds comfort and a better wife in the future. This has to stop.
  2. Magalee

    Magalee Hold on to hope

    Hi yawnnui and welcome to the forum. You have found a good place with lots of kind and supportive people. I'm sorry you are hurting so bad right now.

    One thing that pops out at me is that you suffered some pretty significant trauma in your early and young adult life. First you were abused and then you lost both parents (abandoned) when they died. I'm sorry you had to go through all that.

    There's a little girl inside you who was alone and afraid when all those things happened. Please give yourself the compassion you deserve for going through all that by yourself.

    I hope you start feeling better soon. Keep posting here so people can be supportive.
  3. yozhik

    yozhik Well-Known Member

    Hey...I'm so sorry for everything you've been through. I just wanted to say I don't think it's stupid or cruel to have a child for a sense of purpose. A lot of people find purpose in their children.

    People have kids for much worse reasons. My mother had me to manipulate my father into staying with her, even though she had unresolved anger issues from an abusive childhood and didn't think she'd be a good parent...which was kinda true. That's kind of wrong. But having a child because the idea of them makes you want to live... there's so much love there already. I don't think that's wrong. Having a kid because the thought of them makes your life worth living is not cruel to them if you just love them for who they are.

    As long as you give the kid your genuine love and do the best you can to let them become the best version of themselves possible you aren't wronging them. If this is your dream please don't give up on it. You sound like a really caring person.