4 Years Later

[#18]

It all started with MySpace, I've long since deleted mine but I'm still in contact with him. He requested me through a friend of his and we talked and hit it off almost right away. Then when his ex b/f was brought into the mix, that's when it turned sour, very sour. His ex cheated on him several times, seven times I believe and he still has a place in his heart which makes my stomach churn. The man I'm still interested in is a farmer and is busy most of the time...he barely has time to write me anymore and I feel like he doesn't care about me at all. I try calling him, texting him, but he never replies to me. He has no problem answering the calls of others though apparently, which depresses me to no end.

During these four years I've been hurt so badly by this man and yet I continue to hang on, like I have some hope left in my heart that he'll realize someday how much I love him. We live far apart but we're in the same state. It still makes it difficult for him and I to see each other...but even when I've brought it up he avoids the subject entirely or makes an excuse as to why he can't see me. It only makes me feel like he doesn't care or love me at all. He says he does but I don't believe him anymore.

It could be part of my thought disorder, I believe certain people in my life talk bad about me behind my back and make fun of me. Even people I was once close with. I find it hard to believe anything he says anymore, I want to believe he cares but I can't anymore.

I'm seeing a therepist to sort out my problems and I'm taking medicine for social anxiety and depression. My therepist told me I was on medicine that was completely wrong for me. So now I'll be making a trip to see a well known doctor in my area to get some testing done and change medicine.

I had an appointment with my therepist today but it was cancelled I'm very dissapointed, I really needed to talk to her about everything.

Yesterday I cried several times, I thought maybe it was because I forgot to take certain pills. It can affect me very quickly if I don't. I cry sometimes thinking about things like if things could have been different between him and me. He'll never give me a chance though...

I told him in a letter I had thoughts of suicide lately and he didn't say anything to it. He talked about his troubles and was on his way. It hurt me, horribly. I was crying out for help to him and it felt like he threw it aside like it was nothing.

This is all I can say right now, I'm sure I've missed A LOT but I don't want to write a book :laugh:

Thanks for reading!

~Ivy

 

[total eclipse]

Hun i hate to say it but your friend is not a friend and is not interested hun time to move on okay find someone that loves you the way your deserve hugs

 

[#18]

Easier said than done :sigh: I've tried several times to move on...he's always busy with his work and never has time to talk with me anymore. He's really not a bad person, but you're probably right, he's not interested, anymore.

 

[Avarice]

You really need to move on from this guy. You deserve to be treated much, much better, even if you yourself don't believe that. I suggest writing him one more letter.. just one, in which you get closure. Tell him how he has made you feel these past four years and how hurt you are because of him. Tell him how much you love him and only want for him to love you back, but that you can't do this anymore and need to move on with your life.

Then quit all contact with him. No letters, texts, calls, nothing. The only way you will get over him is if you remove him from your life. Delete his number from your phone if you have to. I know it'll be hard and you won't really want to do it.. but if you really want to move on and stop hurting; to find someone who WILL love you back, then you need to do it. :hug:

 

[#18]

I know, it would be the best for my health if I did move on from him. It's just so hard. After knowing him for four years I just don't know if I could say goodbye to him. I can't and don't want to write to him right now. He wrote me the other day but I didn't reply. My self esteem is quite low, which could be another reason why I hold onto him. I'm hoping with therapy and the medicine change that I'll be comfortable in my own skin, finally.

I do want to tell him how much it all hurts...and that all I ever wanted was a chance. He gave his ex over seven chances to get his act together from all the cheating...but he couldn't give me one chance, pretty sad huh?

My birthday's coming up so I believe I'll start fresh then, say my goodbyes and end all contact with him. Idk if I'll be able to do this or not but I'll try.

Thanks!

~Ivy

 

[Avarice]

You owe it to yourself to try your very best. I felt similar things with my ex but I put up with it and kept him in my life way longer than I should have. I had severe low self-esteem and stayed with him 18 more months after he'd cheated on me and those were possibly 18 of the most miserable months of my life. I wish I had had the courage and strength to realise that I could live without him and take those years back that I lost to him. Don't live having the same regrets. :hug:

 

[#18]

It's so hard..I feel like crying whenever I think about it now. I haven't wrote him in like a week now. He's wrote me twice, but basically talked about himself. He probably has no idea how much he has hurt me this time, but I'm going to let him know on my birthday next week which I'm sure he will forget. :dry:

I'm glad that you got away from your ex, I'll never understand why people cheat, it's so wrong

 

[Avarice]

My ex always forgot my birthday too. I'm glad you're going to tell him how you feel, he deserves to know the damage he has done and realise he can't treat you like this anymore. I don't understand why people cheat either.. it's so selfish and unfair.