I don't want to be saved, or I do..I really don't know anymore. Since this all started i've been dealing with it, all I got was a life full of anxiety from battling it maybe I should have told more people about my issues and gotten support sooner but I didn't thinkt here was anything anyone else could do. I can't take the momories of bad times and times that I missed out on I lose so much weight not beig able to eat. I could take the depression well maybe not but its NOTHING when compared to this anxiety that comes along with it. I just wanted to live a reasonably normal happy life. I'm too much of a mess. Also before I was a young man with problem or a boy now I'm just some creepy old loser. I can't even get over high school insults. I tryed getting 'out' of this whole pattern again and again but it just cycles. I was sick of this shit in the beginning. there are two reasons why I don't immediatly die one is I don't want to sadden the people that love me and two is not many people kill themselves so I don't want to give my family that shame..I'd rather die in an accident.
But I really don't want to die, I just want things to be ok. but they never are and they havn't been. and I don't know how to deal with the past of all this.
Nothing ever works and girls I guess are just going to find me creepy I've been told I've creeped out a fair few people mainly by *looking at them funny* but that was when I had the flu, so I don't know. I'll be alive at least till late tonight my time
But I really don't want to die, I just want things to be ok. but they never are and they havn't been. and I don't know how to deal with the past of all this.
Nothing ever works and girls I guess are just going to find me creepy I've been told I've creeped out a fair few people mainly by *looking at them funny* but that was when I had the flu, so I don't know. I'll be alive at least till late tonight my time
