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[hollowvoice]

"WE NEVER SEEM TO GET ANYWHERE THESE DAYS"

thats what a mental healthcare worker said to me and it got me thinking yep shes right,the other day i noticed its been nearly a year since i joined sf and it has helped me make good friends but ive also upset others which plays on my mind daily.in the last year ive had a few minor attempts but ivr kicked the painkiller addiction,ive kicked the drink but took it back in real small moderation ive self harmed by blad but obviously not enough for serious damage,ive moved home to change my life ,but i find myself in total isolation from anything that was once important ,my life now consists of sf and work ,so im thinking the healthcare worker was right im not getting anywhere ,im just prolonging the inevitible.
Everything just feels so wrong the chore of cooking food i dont want ,cleaning,washing and even getting up and moving takes so much effort,the constant crying over records that play on the radio ,the fact i see a suicide method in everything i look at,theres so many places here that i could choose my way out ,it wouldnt even take much thinking about i could think yep now and within minutes be gone from this world
ive even started thinking about religious stuff hence the names beelzebub and job that ive used!
one year on?
if it was a boxing ring id be down for the count but not out cold but do i have the strength to get back up again?on the scorecard it would be depression 30 me 8 years wise ,i should just stay dow,after all everyone leaves eventually ..

sorry for the long rant probably the longest thread ive ever made i just hope getting it wrote down helps like it has in the past im not asking anything ,just thinking aloud xx

 

[tweetypie]

*giant hug* Its very difficult to believe that things will ever get better with depression such is the nature of the illness but dont let it win. I know it takes more physical energy than we have sometimes but you just have to keep on going. Im sorry that you feel so tired and worn down by it all. Anytime you want to pm me youd be more than welcome to

 

[MoAnamCara]

I hate to say this but your healthcare worker is WRONG about this.

You just indicated all the things you have done/not done in the last year which are huge positives.

ivr kicked the painkiller addiction,ive kicked the drink but took it back in real small moderation ive self harmed by blad but obviously not enough for serious damage,ive moved home to change my life

To manage to do all of these things in a year is brilliant and I'm sorry the healthcare worker doesn't appreciate all of your efforts and support you in what you have managed to do, and that you don't acknowlege what you have managed to achieve.

Depression makes it so easy for us to focus on the negatives and on what we haven't done etc. It does make it hard to go about daily living - cooking, cleaning, getting up, going to work etc. And be proud of how easy it would be for you to go through with one of your sui thoughts, but you haven't. Again, focus on the good, if you can (I know its hard).

I think you need a different healthcare worker honestly, can you find a counselor or talk to someone different at that drop in center? Or if you have to see the same worker, tell them that their comments weren't and aren't helpful to you, be honest.

I agree, at times, it feels like we are little hamsters going around and around on our little wheels dealing with the same stuff over and over and no sooner as we think we are rising higher then something else happens to bring us crashing down (or nothing happens but our moods crash).

What do you want to do? Do you want to go out to the cinema? Join a club or social activities with others? Go to footie games or concerts with others? Where can you find one or two folks that you can just hang with from time to time (and who are not going to be negative influences in your life?) You say you are thinking about religion, which is odd as I've been questioning things in my own mind lately. Is it worth it to go once and see what you think/feel? They have own little clubs etc.

I have to think along the same lines for myself here soon, am thinking photography or something that interests me, just to get out and meet some folks and build up a support network for myself.

Otherwise I'll be a wrinkly old spinster till the end of my days!

Okay, I've said enough, but what I have said I mean with compassion (not a lecture or similar)

Take care of you mister hollow.

 

[IV2010]

I tend to agree with the poster above..
you've made some amazing changes in the last year and maybe it's time to consider a new counselor as well...one who appreciates the steps you have made ..
or maybe counselor is using the 'tough love' aproach..
either way don't give up
*

 

[Stranger1]

Hey Job,
I know how you feel about just going in circles.. I was in therapy for five years and to be honest only some of it helped.. There were many days I asked myself what the hell am I doing here..I'm still SI..I quit going six months ago and can tell it was a mistake..
My nurse with Humana is after me to go back.. I don't even know if my therapist will take me.. This is the second time i have quit..
You have made tremendous strides in helping yourself.. Don't stop now..When you see your therapist speak up and tell him/her that this isn't helping.. Thats what they are there for..I wish you all the best and congadulate you on your keeping clean..