To look forward a bit, I'll start with where I'm at.
I'm working as an EMT full time. My station runs facility calls, mostly assisted living or psychiatric. Running people home, or to the ER. I've been volunteering at the children's hospital, mostly helping calm the NICU mini babies, but transitioned recently to the emergency department. I'm also volunteering in hospice, offering my company and emotional support.
I still remember when I first posted here, 10 years ago. I'd just gotten out of an emotionally abusive relationship, my dog ran away, we lost the house, I lost my first job due to just not showing up anymore. Shortly after, I ended up living in the actual middle of nowhere, with 0 friends there. Then I learned of the passing of someone, that I could never hope to describe. She still impacts most of what I do, and how I interact with others.
Everyday I woke up, feeling like facing down one day was like living a week. Memories of the relationships I'd gone through back to back tore into me the second I woke up. Then I realized there was literally nothing to do for the whole day. No friends to be with, no work, despite my best efforts, being alone all day.
I woke up as I'd go to bed. Wanting to just disappear. There was never going to be any relief. Seeing everyone else starting their lives. Knowing my ex was working a good job, going to school, and left me for the person she wanted to be with, but settled on me first. Knowing I'd pushed away the person that loved me so much, again, for her.
I fell into a spiral of self harm, and attempts. People talking about feeling better one day, or that I could do more with my life. I'd just think, well cool for you... I'm different. It's not like that for me.
But, I eventually started working. Thanks to help from my friend that called me everyday and kept me together. I eventually started becoming popular in my small town, by just making people laugh when they came in to my store, and always faking a smile.
Eventually, a friend in another state offered to let me and another good friend sign on his lease... I was back home.
We spent a few years together. Through the many struggles of starting life out and being young, we had so many good memories together. Even drinking pbr and eating potatoes every night feels nostalgic.
But again, my life stagnated. I fell into a job that was cool at first, and paid well. But as the years dragged on, it fell into a nightmare. Management got replaced with an emotionally abusive narcissist. Critical safety and wellness issues got ignored. I felt severe panic attacks everyday, and couldn't eat or sleep. Towards the end of my time there, he was replaced with someone I still consider a friend thankfully, but the job was eating me alive.
Until one day, a family member of my friend called to check in. They said I'd be a great EMT. I didn't have money for school, so they said to shoot them a text when I needed their credit card number.
Which leads to today. Naturally, it wasn't easy to get to. School was insanely hard. It's been close to a year of constant stress. Waiting for test results, waiting for my job, going through training, constantly waiting for background checks and doing TB tests. I've never felt more stressed than the last year, and it's still a constant.
There's also the emotional stress. It's a bit taxing dealing with injured children and infants, and dealing with the depressing reality of neglect of so many medical establishments.
But, for the first time, I feel genuine happiness. Everyday I get to give back to my community. Many of my patients open up about what led them to being on SI watch, and I get to make them feel loved and acknowledged. I'm very grateful to get to make people who are dealing with the feelings I've lived with, feel better for just a little while. Or to let our geriatric or homeless community feel like they matter.
Sure I still struggle. On occasion I still feel like just disappearing, or that I'm not really helping anyone. But, living for the sake of others is what my own life has always been. It's what gives me fulfillment, and keeps me from giving up. I've learned to move people that abuse that out of my life, even though I want to be there. For the first time, I can let people go, knowing I can't sacrifice myself for them, because other people need me.
It's not the solution for everyone. I'd never suggest my lifestyle to most people. But, I do know it's possible to struggle, but have things that keep you going. It could be a pet, or a loved one, or a hobby. What matters in life, from my own experience, to the many 80-100 year olds I talked with, is the people in your life.
At times they may be the source of your troubles, but others will be there to help you through. Don't give up on humanity because of the bad people, weed them out until you find the ones that make you feel proud of yourself. Invest yourself into the thing you were born for. Until one day, you can be the person someone else needed to help them.
Like hatred, altruism grows exponentially. By saving your own life, maybe one day you can save someone else's. Struggling will never be easier, but one day, you'll be strong enough to beat it senseless. Your own reason for living is just that, your own. It doesn't matter what anyone else expects, or wants. If you find what you're meant to accomplish, then spend your life to do it. Wether it's done today, or at the end. No one was ever born for nothing.
I might pop around for a bit, but I'm not active here.
I'm working as an EMT full time. My station runs facility calls, mostly assisted living or psychiatric. Running people home, or to the ER. I've been volunteering at the children's hospital, mostly helping calm the NICU mini babies, but transitioned recently to the emergency department. I'm also volunteering in hospice, offering my company and emotional support.
I still remember when I first posted here, 10 years ago. I'd just gotten out of an emotionally abusive relationship, my dog ran away, we lost the house, I lost my first job due to just not showing up anymore. Shortly after, I ended up living in the actual middle of nowhere, with 0 friends there. Then I learned of the passing of someone, that I could never hope to describe. She still impacts most of what I do, and how I interact with others.
Everyday I woke up, feeling like facing down one day was like living a week. Memories of the relationships I'd gone through back to back tore into me the second I woke up. Then I realized there was literally nothing to do for the whole day. No friends to be with, no work, despite my best efforts, being alone all day.
I woke up as I'd go to bed. Wanting to just disappear. There was never going to be any relief. Seeing everyone else starting their lives. Knowing my ex was working a good job, going to school, and left me for the person she wanted to be with, but settled on me first. Knowing I'd pushed away the person that loved me so much, again, for her.
I fell into a spiral of self harm, and attempts. People talking about feeling better one day, or that I could do more with my life. I'd just think, well cool for you... I'm different. It's not like that for me.
But, I eventually started working. Thanks to help from my friend that called me everyday and kept me together. I eventually started becoming popular in my small town, by just making people laugh when they came in to my store, and always faking a smile.
Eventually, a friend in another state offered to let me and another good friend sign on his lease... I was back home.
We spent a few years together. Through the many struggles of starting life out and being young, we had so many good memories together. Even drinking pbr and eating potatoes every night feels nostalgic.
But again, my life stagnated. I fell into a job that was cool at first, and paid well. But as the years dragged on, it fell into a nightmare. Management got replaced with an emotionally abusive narcissist. Critical safety and wellness issues got ignored. I felt severe panic attacks everyday, and couldn't eat or sleep. Towards the end of my time there, he was replaced with someone I still consider a friend thankfully, but the job was eating me alive.
Until one day, a family member of my friend called to check in. They said I'd be a great EMT. I didn't have money for school, so they said to shoot them a text when I needed their credit card number.
Which leads to today. Naturally, it wasn't easy to get to. School was insanely hard. It's been close to a year of constant stress. Waiting for test results, waiting for my job, going through training, constantly waiting for background checks and doing TB tests. I've never felt more stressed than the last year, and it's still a constant.
There's also the emotional stress. It's a bit taxing dealing with injured children and infants, and dealing with the depressing reality of neglect of so many medical establishments.
But, for the first time, I feel genuine happiness. Everyday I get to give back to my community. Many of my patients open up about what led them to being on SI watch, and I get to make them feel loved and acknowledged. I'm very grateful to get to make people who are dealing with the feelings I've lived with, feel better for just a little while. Or to let our geriatric or homeless community feel like they matter.
Sure I still struggle. On occasion I still feel like just disappearing, or that I'm not really helping anyone. But, living for the sake of others is what my own life has always been. It's what gives me fulfillment, and keeps me from giving up. I've learned to move people that abuse that out of my life, even though I want to be there. For the first time, I can let people go, knowing I can't sacrifice myself for them, because other people need me.
It's not the solution for everyone. I'd never suggest my lifestyle to most people. But, I do know it's possible to struggle, but have things that keep you going. It could be a pet, or a loved one, or a hobby. What matters in life, from my own experience, to the many 80-100 year olds I talked with, is the people in your life.
At times they may be the source of your troubles, but others will be there to help you through. Don't give up on humanity because of the bad people, weed them out until you find the ones that make you feel proud of yourself. Invest yourself into the thing you were born for. Until one day, you can be the person someone else needed to help them.
Like hatred, altruism grows exponentially. By saving your own life, maybe one day you can save someone else's. Struggling will never be easier, but one day, you'll be strong enough to beat it senseless. Your own reason for living is just that, your own. It doesn't matter what anyone else expects, or wants. If you find what you're meant to accomplish, then spend your life to do it. Wether it's done today, or at the end. No one was ever born for nothing.
I might pop around for a bit, but I'm not active here.
