It's been awhile since I've been on here. I've been doing well until some of the past few days. Tonight I'm feeling pretty dismal. I've recognized a thought pattern I fall into. I must be getting somewhat better since I'm able to take a kind of step back and examine the situation objectively, almost scientifically. Anyway, the thought pattern is this: a lot of my depression seems to stem from comparing my life to others seemingly "perfect" lives. I know there is so much going on in people's lives that we never see and probably, like depression, so many private battles and disappointments that they face behind closed doors and with whispered words in vacant rooms. When I see the success of my friends and family, I slip into a severe self-loathing. Tonight I held a friend's newborn baby and I suddenly found myself holding back emotions and tears. Something about it felt so good and just comfortable and at the same time my mind was racing, bemoaning the fact that I'd never have children. That I'd never get married. That I'd never find intimacy. I'm just a fuck up and a failure and that's all I know how to be and that's how I'll continue until I keel over of a heart attack or blow my brains out. That is such bullshit. One thing that simultaneously frustrates and fascinates me is how that internal voice of despair, the one I think we all know so well, masquerades as the voice of truth, reason, and logic. It's a harsh and cruel critic that presumes it knows the future. My fate is a dismal one, it says. My fate is set in stone. It is writ in the cosmos and can never be changed. That would disrupt the whole system. My existence is predicated on perpetual unhappiness. My number was the unlucky one and always will be. And on and on like that. Depression is the "nevers." Depression is the voice of "no" and the annoyed, parental finger shaking itself, all the time. I still say, "yes! Why not? Why can't I?"Now, though, that "no" finger is just too long and too much easier to believe. I want to lay down for ten years and hope things will be better when I wake up.