A fear of mine confirmed…..I'm still crazy

[FMyLife]

It's been 4 months since I almost took my life. A night full of panic, an impulse move on my part, and waking up two days later with a tube down my throat, feeling like a got hit by a train. Its amazing how a shock paddle to the chest a few times will wreck for you for days.

So here it is, 4 months later, physically I'm okay, despite the impaired kidney functions. Emotionally, I feel no better off than before. It took months after that attempt to convince myself I needed admission, then I was given the boot after 4 days due to insurance issues. So here I sit on this forum because nobody really either cares, or understands what its like.

I try to talk about how I feel inside and all I get is "well you have a girl, and a good job…whats to be upset about?"

I'm not a material guy. Screw the job, screw the education, screw everything I've done to get where I am. Doesn't stop the depression, doesn't stop the voices and damn sure doesn't make me feel anymore like a man. And when I try to explain this people just blow me off. Not to mention the fact that everyone I know saw me almost die so now I treated as a fragile little man on the whim of freaking about the mildest of slights and nobody takes me seriously. And in the meantime while people are shying away from attempting to understand, my little voices are just saying "DO it again Liam, just do it….don't be a wuss" whether it comes to thoughts of suicide, self harm, whatever, thats the voices…cheering me on"You can doit!"

I'd go into other details as far as the inner workings of the insanity, but that would probably get me kicked off the forum lol. So yeah, good job on me surviving……..yeah….i need help…….

 

[total eclipse]

You are so right no one does understand how depression affect one if they have not felt true depression themselves
Your voices you know are depression and it will do anything to get you to succumb to the darkness do you have anyone a church person a councilor to talk to It does help to talk to someone that is educated and understand what you are feeling.

Keep talking here no one will judge you here we get it we do hell ya

 

[argonunya23]

you can pm me if you need

 

[sudut]

It's been 4 months since I almost took my life. A night full of panic, an impulse move on my part, and waking up two days later with a tube down my throat, feeling like a got hit by a train...

Please don't attempt it again. maybe there is a reason why you survived.

 

[FMyLife]

As it stands I have no thoughts on trying again, at least not as long as I can help it. I'm just tired of feeling this way. Last night I went into full panic cause the urge was so strong to self harm. I wanted to so bad that resisting physically made me hurt.

 

[Petal]

We've spoken in chat. Personally I think you're a nice funny person. You may think no-one understands, but I can guarantee you a lot of people can relate. You can look at some people and think they have everything and even envy them but you will never know what is going on in someone else's mind. I am glad you survived your attempt. At least you can be totally honest here and no one will judge you, keep talking. Best of luck to you

 

[FMyLife]

I've driven away most people. hard to comprehend that judgement won't follow. I'm at this crossroad where i'm afraid to choose a direction mainly because i'm tired of walking.

 

[Jasv]

People won't understand if they have never been depressed, but I get it, because I've felt the same way. When I was a junior in high school, I overdosed on pills. Within 5 minutes I was scared shitless and called my mom. She told me I was being dramatic and that I would be fine. It took my grandmother to convince her for me to go to the hospital. I stayed in the hospital for a week. I told everyone that it was an accident, that I just had a very bad headache and forgot how many I took. My cut marks on my arms were so visible too, but they believed me anyways. No one questioned anything afterwards. They just didn't care about me at all. My voice speaks to me too. It tells me to do things, not that I always listen. I'd probably be in jail if I did lol.. It sucks though. Feeling like you're at the edge and have no idea what to do. If you think about it though, I don't think no one ever really understands you. I don't want to die, but I'm tired of the pain. You just have to decide by yourself if life is worth it, or not.. Well! Goodluck!

 

[James1111]

You wrote:
I'm not a material guy. Screw the job, screw the education, screw everything I've done to get where I am. Doesn't stop the depression, doesn't stop the voices and damn sure doesn't make me feel anymore like a man. And when I try to explain this people just blow me off.

That rings a bell. I have felt that way for a long time. As previously written, no one knows what is going on in someone else's life.

On the outside, I am the life of a party. People think I have a great life - inside ?????

If I try to tell a close friend, they look at me like I am weird.

Best wishes.