It's been 4 months since I almost took my life. A night full of panic, an impulse move on my part, and waking up two days later with a tube down my throat, feeling like a got hit by a train. Its amazing how a shock paddle to the chest a few times will wreck for you for days. So here it is, 4 months later, physically I'm okay, despite the impaired kidney functions. Emotionally, I feel no better off than before. It took months after that attempt to convince myself I needed admission, then I was given the boot after 4 days due to insurance issues. So here I sit on this forum because nobody really either cares, or understands what its like. I try to talk about how I feel inside and all I get is "well you have a girl, and a good job…whats to be upset about?" I'm not a material guy. Screw the job, screw the education, screw everything I've done to get where I am. Doesn't stop the depression, doesn't stop the voices and damn sure doesn't make me feel anymore like a man. And when I try to explain this people just blow me off. Not to mention the fact that everyone I know saw me almost die so now I treated as a fragile little man on the whim of freaking about the mildest of slights and nobody takes me seriously. And in the meantime while people are shying away from attempting to understand, my little voices are just saying "DO it again Liam, just do it….don't be a wuss" whether it comes to thoughts of suicide, self harm, whatever, thats the voices…cheering me on"You can doit!" I'd go into other details as far as the inner workings of the insanity, but that would probably get me kicked off the forum lol. So yeah, good job on me surviving……..yeah….i need help…….