I came close to killing myself today after an awful day. It started with an argument in the morning with my partner and just got worse from there. He was angry all day and it just got progressively worse as time went on. When he began slamming doors and throwing things around carelessly as he was cleaning it definitely triggered my ptsd. But I’m not allowed to say anything because he has a right to be mad…
I’ve had a plan to do this for a while now but after today the date moved up. And the method changed to what was easiest to access in the moment.
So I just walked out. Didn’t say anything. Walked for maybe 10-15 minutes. Decided I couldn’t do it. And I hate myself for not being able to do it right there. Then wanted to fall to my knees and scream in the street; claw at my face like a crazy person. But I just stood there instead. Because I just couldn’t talk to the police in the fucking awful state I was in.
I walked around for a bit longer not knowing what to do. Wishing I could run away to a cozy home with a loving family who will always be there for me, so I can just take a break. But I don’t have that. So I paced around an 65+ mobile home park instead. Dreading going back. Wishing for a miraculous freak accident to do the job for me.
And then I lied. I knew it didn’t make sense. But I didn’t know what else to say besides I went on a walk and I didn’t think he would care or notice. Which is half true.
Of course he got upset about me leaving without saying anything. Especially since I’m very ill, prone to collapsing, and usually don’t go out without my wheelchair.
But I couldn’t risk him following me. I had to at least get a head start so he wouldn’t know where I was. I don’t want him to see me kill myself. Or find his partner a bloody corpse.
And I feel like I definitely can’t tell him the truth now because when I got back we had a long talk about multiple things but one of the talking points being that he feels like he can’t even be upset at me.
I feel like telling him would be manipulative. Even if that isn’t my intention. So I don’t know what to do.
Him being upset all day really wasn’t the reason I was going to kill myself. It was just that little thing to push an extremely unstable and already suicidal person over the edge.
I’ve had a plan to do this for a while now but after today the date moved up. And the method changed to what was easiest to access in the moment.
So I just walked out. Didn’t say anything. Walked for maybe 10-15 minutes. Decided I couldn’t do it. And I hate myself for not being able to do it right there. Then wanted to fall to my knees and scream in the street; claw at my face like a crazy person. But I just stood there instead. Because I just couldn’t talk to the police in the fucking awful state I was in.
I walked around for a bit longer not knowing what to do. Wishing I could run away to a cozy home with a loving family who will always be there for me, so I can just take a break. But I don’t have that. So I paced around an 65+ mobile home park instead. Dreading going back. Wishing for a miraculous freak accident to do the job for me.
And then I lied. I knew it didn’t make sense. But I didn’t know what else to say besides I went on a walk and I didn’t think he would care or notice. Which is half true.
Of course he got upset about me leaving without saying anything. Especially since I’m very ill, prone to collapsing, and usually don’t go out without my wheelchair.
But I couldn’t risk him following me. I had to at least get a head start so he wouldn’t know where I was. I don’t want him to see me kill myself. Or find his partner a bloody corpse.
And I feel like I definitely can’t tell him the truth now because when I got back we had a long talk about multiple things but one of the talking points being that he feels like he can’t even be upset at me.
I feel like telling him would be manipulative. Even if that isn’t my intention. So I don’t know what to do.
Him being upset all day really wasn’t the reason I was going to kill myself. It was just that little thing to push an extremely unstable and already suicidal person over the edge.
