Hey, everyone. I haven't logged on here for a long time because I've become relatively good at dealing with my suicidal thoughts on my own. I appreciate the site and everyone here being so supportive, but I like to try to keep my mind off of suicide in general so I don't visit much.
But I had a strange and almost horrifying realization about myself that I wanted to share. Recently I've been becoming more accepting of the idea of committing suicide. It occurred to me that over the past 10 years or so I've been going through the 5 Stages of Grief, but in this case about my own death.
The first time I stayed in a mental ward I was in Denial. After leaving and trying to work on myself I was Angry, but still made an effort to make things right. Eventually I decided my life would never be exactly how I envisioned it and I started Bargaining with myself that I could find a different purpose and happiness than I once thought. For a long time afterwards I've suffered from the Depression phase.
Lately a lot of things have gone wrong in my life, like many others through the pandemic. But I reached a state of peace or Acceptance after reasoning with myself that I was better off dead. There are a few things that I still want to accomplish in the short term of a year, but after that I genuinely see no purpose in continuing to live.
My death would affect my mom and our dog, but they are my only close loved ones and they have each other. My mom has suffered with severe physical illnesses for much of her life, so I believe she would be understanding of my desire to end my somewhat different mental suffering. She has her boyfriend (my father passed when I was a teen) and brother to help her with the minor assistance she needs on occassion.
Most people I know or once knew would likely not even be aware that I passed. I have to die one day and I have access to a method that most people don't (I won't mention it), where I could go with minimal pain or awareness. So before next winter comes, I might decide it's time. I live in Canada and hate the winters here, so that seems like the ideal time.
Thanks to anyone who read my long post or leaves a comment.
But I had a strange and almost horrifying realization about myself that I wanted to share. Recently I've been becoming more accepting of the idea of committing suicide. It occurred to me that over the past 10 years or so I've been going through the 5 Stages of Grief, but in this case about my own death.
The first time I stayed in a mental ward I was in Denial. After leaving and trying to work on myself I was Angry, but still made an effort to make things right. Eventually I decided my life would never be exactly how I envisioned it and I started Bargaining with myself that I could find a different purpose and happiness than I once thought. For a long time afterwards I've suffered from the Depression phase.
Lately a lot of things have gone wrong in my life, like many others through the pandemic. But I reached a state of peace or Acceptance after reasoning with myself that I was better off dead. There are a few things that I still want to accomplish in the short term of a year, but after that I genuinely see no purpose in continuing to live.
My death would affect my mom and our dog, but they are my only close loved ones and they have each other. My mom has suffered with severe physical illnesses for much of her life, so I believe she would be understanding of my desire to end my somewhat different mental suffering. She has her boyfriend (my father passed when I was a teen) and brother to help her with the minor assistance she needs on occassion.
Most people I know or once knew would likely not even be aware that I passed. I have to die one day and I have access to a method that most people don't (I won't mention it), where I could go with minimal pain or awareness. So before next winter comes, I might decide it's time. I live in Canada and hate the winters here, so that seems like the ideal time.
Thanks to anyone who read my long post or leaves a comment.
I think it's best for me to be aware of my negative thoughts over time. Maybe it can help me find a way to stop them from bothering me eventually, or like you said find an alternative to make thngs better.
