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A title can't describe what I want to say in this post.

Raven

Poetry No Longer Exists
#1
I have a thread and I post on it whenever I need help. I got a lot of help there, but I hate myself and I feel so sorry because I have opened another thread when you read these words.
NOW I WANT TO SAY: If I can't finish all the homework today, I will end my life. Oh sorry I just feel so anxious I guess I won't do that.
And why I feel bad because of those tiny things such as homework? Not only homework.
I can't concentrate on everything! I'm falling behind...I don't know how to write them down. I even can't focus on writing this post.
I can't find a way to vent. I can't cry and scream in the midnight because in my country, all the high school students should study till midnight. The school ends at 10 pm.
Whenever I feel bad, my parents always get to know somehow, even I hide from them. But they just don't know how to do to make me feel better. Oh I know I'm hurting them and I'm so sorry! But what they said also makes me feel worse, and I don't have the right to feel not OK!
I didn't feel as bad as before in my new high school because of no bullies here. But I'm afraid all the time.
Just hours ago, I almost lost control outside. My mother said with disdain that I have mental illness. And she even said that she want to send me to the hospital the next day, hahaha she never did that before because she used to consider I'm all right just too weak and sensitive in mind. And she didn't give me the help I need.
In my opinion, mental illness isn't a thing to be ashamed for at all. My dream is to found a charity about mental health and to help them because they are suffering a lot, and many people, like my parents, just can't understand and they just use a wrong way to think about them. So I was really angry with it.
And I laughed at her opinion with tears.
I want to self-harm and I know what will happen if I do that again. I don't dare to imagine...I haven't do that since a month before the high school entrance examination. The reason is only because of short-sleeves school uniform and scars.
I didn't feel suicidal so seriously as before after I became a member of SF. I appreciate it so much. Or maybe I don't dare to feel suicidal so I persuade myself that I'm not suicidal, I'm just anxious and I just don't want to feel that way. But I want to disappear!
If I can't realize my dream that I mentioned before, my life is worthless and meaningless. The first step is to enter a good university. So I must keep my grade. But that's so hard for me, who hate homework because she can't finish them, and afraid of school.
And am I on the way of becoming a failure? Because I can't control myself. I can't fail, because my life will end if I fail. That's my biggest issue: I can't accept any kind of failures and imperfect things I've done.
I hate my brain because it's getting more and more useless. I made mistakes all the time.
Another big issues: I'm afraid that people will leave me because of any reason. I think a tiny thing as a serious thing.
Living in this world is soooooo hard!
Damn, but I will not leave. I still have my dream. It keeps me alive so many times.
NOOOO I DON'T WANT TO COMMIT SUICIDE! Am I cheating myself? Anyway...I don't want to be pessimistic...Oh please!
 

sinking_ship

woman overboard
Forum Pro
SF Supporter
#3
Oh, I'm so sorry things are so hard. It sounds like your parents are putting way too much pressure on you. Of course it's important to try to do well in school, but YOU and your well being are more important than anything. You are so young and you have so much promise ahead of you. In a few years it won't matter at all what your high school grades were. Living in this world IS really hard sometimes, but there's also a lot of good, and you are part of that good. *hug
 

Raven

Poetry No Longer Exists
#4
Oh, I'm so sorry things are so hard. It sounds like your parents are putting way too much pressure on you. Of course it's important to try to do well in school, but YOU and your well being are more important than anything. You are so young and you have so much promise ahead of you. In a few years it won't matter at all what your high school grades were. Living in this world IS really hard sometimes, but there's also a lot of good, and you are part of that good. *hug
Thank you so much!*hug
I'm always afraid that if I'm doing wrong, and I'm afraid some people don't want to talk to me at all, most of time in real life, and sometimes on the Internet. If I can be part of the good, I'll be full of appreciation. :)
 

Mato

SF Moongazer🌛💙🌜
SF Supporter
#6
Hello, please don't worry. Life is for us to learn. We've been learning all our lives. I've failed so many times and repeated some mistakes. The mistakes are therefore to make it different and better in the future. You are an intelligent and nice person and the world needs you.
See my motto
*hug
Failure is the opportunity ☯
To Begin again ♡
But more intelligently ☻
💙
 

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