Last year , I was applying to foreign universities. But because of my so called family , their lack of support, I wasn't able to even register myself there.
I spent a lot of time learning about things , spent quite a lot of time in my application, I spent time asking for help from help centers or wherever I can.
But just because my so called mom and ' it ' was resistant , my application was never submitted.
This year , from the very start I have been busy and seeing things. It's not easy when you have mental / emotional stuff going on. Your physical health deteriorates from time to time. I have my limits , I know about them. I know I have done my best. I have been working constantly to the extend that I am burnt out. From figuring the entrance to my final year exams , to the uni and how the frick I should have the talk with my so called parents. It's been a lot. And it weighs on you so much when you do not have any loved one to support you. I ofcourse don't have any family , they are so named as my family. That's why I refer them as " so called ".
I am fortunate enough to still be in contact with few people from my past , I love them , respect them , I believe they do too. Here and there when we talked , it gave me strength. But.. YK they aren't actually part of my life anymore? Not an active part , not someone I would go in crisis the first because our relationship ain't the same anymore ofcourse.
So , you have to be secretive about your plans. I use internet carefully , because I only get a limited amount and if it would run off , I wouldn't be able to work online. I didn't allow myself to celebrate this birthday in a much grand away or eat the food I wanted to eat , enough cause I was saving and still saving up pocket money if needed for this shit in future because can't trust the so called family.
I do not know if others went through this or not or worse. What I do know is , I have been going through not good things and they are valid nonetheless.
The uni , I wanted to go to doesn't feel worth it anymore. Because I wasn't selected initially but being present in the campus can have my chances. It is so so so far away tho , and I almost feel disrespected with this scheme of theirs. I am burnt out , I thought if in certain conditions my mom gets ready , I will go. She said no tho. I am not going , not gonna push it.
A student of that uni , talked to them and YK it's so. You cannot trust no one lol. That person told me that whether I get good marks or not get good marks in my entrance , I would still get in. I don't know how they meant it but , I didn't get in , in the way I thought I would.
I might end up in the city or in a near City in which " it " resides. It is closer to this so called house too. That is one thing I so badly not wanted. But I don't want debt , I am burnt out and other places that feel alright to me are either too far away ( so the whole so called family thing , debt because these places are expensive ) or they just don't exist.
It's a weird funny thing , that's happening. This city I might end up in , isn't really safe in that sense but women wear what they want to. Other places that " don't exist " meaning they do , some claim it's even safe but women do not wear what they want to and if they do , they get looked at. How is that safe?
Anyways , if I end up in this city of " it " , I would have to show up for a lot of things at this so called home. I would be monitored more.
And I will hate college / living at dorm anyways.
Yes life doesn't happen how you want it to often , heard all of that.
I am not saying it's the end of the world but frick that doesn't make this easy
I would like if you won't say something insensitive. If you would , we can have a respectful debate.
And if you relate to this , I am sending you big hugs. Life sucks , you did your best. People do not see that enough , they just like to put you down. Sadists.
I worked so much , so hard but it didn't gave me the result I wanted / hoped for. Not all that I did went to waste but yes.
Actually lost my zeal regarding this after last year. I think you can understand if you relate , you break from inside when someone steps up on your dreams and crushes them infront of your eyes. Some come out of it anyways , maybe many don't. But those who don't , they still fought their fight.
I spent a lot of time learning about things , spent quite a lot of time in my application, I spent time asking for help from help centers or wherever I can.
But just because my so called mom and ' it ' was resistant , my application was never submitted.
This year , from the very start I have been busy and seeing things. It's not easy when you have mental / emotional stuff going on. Your physical health deteriorates from time to time. I have my limits , I know about them. I know I have done my best. I have been working constantly to the extend that I am burnt out. From figuring the entrance to my final year exams , to the uni and how the frick I should have the talk with my so called parents. It's been a lot. And it weighs on you so much when you do not have any loved one to support you. I ofcourse don't have any family , they are so named as my family. That's why I refer them as " so called ".
I am fortunate enough to still be in contact with few people from my past , I love them , respect them , I believe they do too. Here and there when we talked , it gave me strength. But.. YK they aren't actually part of my life anymore? Not an active part , not someone I would go in crisis the first because our relationship ain't the same anymore ofcourse.
So , you have to be secretive about your plans. I use internet carefully , because I only get a limited amount and if it would run off , I wouldn't be able to work online. I didn't allow myself to celebrate this birthday in a much grand away or eat the food I wanted to eat , enough cause I was saving and still saving up pocket money if needed for this shit in future because can't trust the so called family.
I do not know if others went through this or not or worse. What I do know is , I have been going through not good things and they are valid nonetheless.
The uni , I wanted to go to doesn't feel worth it anymore. Because I wasn't selected initially but being present in the campus can have my chances. It is so so so far away tho , and I almost feel disrespected with this scheme of theirs. I am burnt out , I thought if in certain conditions my mom gets ready , I will go. She said no tho. I am not going , not gonna push it.
A student of that uni , talked to them and YK it's so. You cannot trust no one lol. That person told me that whether I get good marks or not get good marks in my entrance , I would still get in. I don't know how they meant it but , I didn't get in , in the way I thought I would.
I might end up in the city or in a near City in which " it " resides. It is closer to this so called house too. That is one thing I so badly not wanted. But I don't want debt , I am burnt out and other places that feel alright to me are either too far away ( so the whole so called family thing , debt because these places are expensive ) or they just don't exist.
It's a weird funny thing , that's happening. This city I might end up in , isn't really safe in that sense but women wear what they want to. Other places that " don't exist " meaning they do , some claim it's even safe but women do not wear what they want to and if they do , they get looked at. How is that safe?
Anyways , if I end up in this city of " it " , I would have to show up for a lot of things at this so called home. I would be monitored more.
And I will hate college / living at dorm anyways.
Yes life doesn't happen how you want it to often , heard all of that.
I am not saying it's the end of the world but frick that doesn't make this easy
I would like if you won't say something insensitive. If you would , we can have a respectful debate.
And if you relate to this , I am sending you big hugs. Life sucks , you did your best. People do not see that enough , they just like to put you down. Sadists.
I worked so much , so hard but it didn't gave me the result I wanted / hoped for. Not all that I did went to waste but yes.
Actually lost my zeal regarding this after last year. I think you can understand if you relate , you break from inside when someone steps up on your dreams and crushes them infront of your eyes. Some come out of it anyways , maybe many don't. But those who don't , they still fought their fight.