Abusive Mothers and crazy dogs

[Lady Wolfshead]

This is a thread for people with abusive mothers. Okay, I admit that the heading is a bit of clickbait. But what I was thinking of was this quote (I couldn't find it online but I read it once and it stuck).

If you get a dog, and hug it every day, it will love you
and if you get a dog, and kick it every day, it will hate you
but if you get a dog, and hug it and kick it on alternate days, the dog will go crazy.

I am that dog. My mother loved me (at least when I was a small child). She hugged me and my younger brother. She read us storybooks.

She also called me mocking names, bullied me and had terrifying rages where her face was red and her eyes were slitted. She told me 1,000 times that I was selfish, and gaslighted me that I was trying to "control" her.

She bullied and humiliated my younger brother about wetting his pants, and made me upset for him.

This was all before I was 5 years old. I worried when I was a very small child that my mother was crazy.

Things got much, much worse later on. She did slap me and strapped my brother a few times, but most of the abuse was emotional. She started calling me a bitch when I was 13. She frequently told me to get out and live on the streets. I never felt safe.

This thread is for anyone with an abusive mother.

People are full of empathy if you have an abusive father. People think you are lying or exaggerating if you have an abusive mother. It's like the difference between having a physical illness and having depression. People think it's in your mind

It took years of therapy to deal with my mother's abuse. I was out of touch with her for over two years in my 20s. It was the best time of my life. I agonized about getting back in touch with her. She never apologized for her behavior except to say all that she had been going through (which I knew). She did acknowledge she had treated me badly.

I'm still in touch with her and she's 83 now. She's still toxic although less (and obviously has far less power over us), but she is still a troubling presence and often triggers me emotionally. I am nothing but kind and helpful to her. I am "doing the right thing." But it takes a toll. Therapists still help though, including one I recently spoke to about setting boundaries.

 

[Astrid78]

Great idea for a thread. My mother always hated and resented us, she physically, mentally and sexually abused her kids. My older sister got the worst of the verbal abuse, I always talked back, fought back, challenged. She talks badly about me, so bad, my one friend I have broke down in tears after listening to my mom bad mouth me.
The verbal/emotional abuse ended when I cut off all contact a few months ago. Probably the best decision I've made. Ever. Sometimes I wonder who she takes her abuse out on now that I am not there, but it's no longer my concern, the rest of the family defend her because they think she has money(she doesn't) so I've also cut off contact with my niece and nephew by default. This makes me sad as I took care of them a lot when they were kids.

 

[Sunspots]

My mother was abusive. My psychiatrist had to write a report and when I read it he described it as abuse. It was only then, reading what he'd written that I saw it for what it was - physical and mental abuse. I thought all kids were punched and hit like I was (apart from my brother - she never touched him, he was always the golden child in her eyes). The things she said to me have stuck deep in my head and even now, at 53 and after five years of therapy, I still can't accept that she wasn't right no matter how much people tell me she was wrong.
In later years it became more about control and less physically and verbally abusive. But she still had the ability to make me doubt myself at every turn and to think that my only purpose in life is to assist her. I wasn't good enough for anything else and I wasn't even good at that.
I used to dream about telling her how I felt but by that time she was elderly and I know she wouldn't have a clue what I was talking about. And despite everything I didn't want to hurt her, I still loved her and constantly wanted her approval. She died in June so now I'll never have the chance but that's probably a good thing. I'm thankful for my brother as he remembers how she treated me - he told me he was waiting all these years for it to rear it's head.

 

[Lady Wolfshead]

Great idea for a thread. My mother always hated and resented us, she physically, mentally and sexually abused her kids. My older sister got the worst of the verbal abuse, I always talked back, fought back, challenged. She talks badly about me, so bad, my one friend I have broke down in tears after listening to my mom bad mouth me.
The verbal/emotional abuse ended when I cut off all contact a few months ago. Probably the best decision I've made. Ever. Sometimes I wonder who she takes her abuse out on now that I am not there, but it's no longer my concern, the rest of the family defend her because they think she has money(she doesn't) so I've also cut off contact with my niece and nephew by default. This makes me sad as I took care of them a lot when they were kids.

I'm sorry to hear you went through this. I'm glad at least that your friend witnessed it so you have someone who actually saw it.

Good for you for cutting ties. It sure isn't easy when it's your Mom. For a daughter to cut off contact with her Mom is so frowned on. Your Mom is supposed to be your best friend - that always makes me want to barf - your Mom should be your Mom, not your friend.

My mother has mellowed quite a bit (as people with BPD often do) but still tries to speak badly about me to my brother and vice versa. Actually because my brother is rich she thinks much more highly of him now (my brother and I always had roughly the same income and job level, but the difference is our spouses).

The good thing is I'm physically quite distant from my mother now. The other day she was saying how I should take a bus (2 hours each way) to see her, but I'm going to say it's too long.

 

[Lady Wolfshead]

My mother was abusive. My psychiatrist had to write a report and when I read it he described it as abuse. It was only then, reading what he'd written that I saw it for what it was - physical and mental abuse. I thought all kids were punched and hit like I was (apart from my brother - she never touched him, he was always the golden child in her eyes). The things she said to me have stuck deep in my head and even now, at 53 and after five years of therapy, I still can't accept that she wasn't right no matter how much people tell me she was wrong.
In later years it became more about control and less physically and verbally abusive. But she still had the ability to make me doubt myself at every turn and to think that my only purpose in life is to assist her. I wasn't good enough for anything else and I wasn't even good at that.
I used to dream about telling her how I felt but by that time she was elderly and I know she wouldn't have a clue what I was talking about. And despite everything I didn't want to hurt her, I still loved her and constantly wanted her approval. She died in June so now I'll never have the chance but that's probably a good thing. I'm thankful for my brother as he remembers how she treated me - he told me he was waiting all these years for it to rear it's head.

Oh that really sucks - especially that she favoured your brother. I had a lot of guilt over watching my brother get abused, but I think it would have been worse if she only treated me poorly.

It was a psychiatrist who told me my mother was abusive, as well. That was the first professional to say it, but really I knew since I was a small child that she was abusive. My mother was highly intelligent and able to really do a number on us. She still maintains that my brother wet his pants and the bed to "defy" her -- even though years later it was found that he had a defect in his urethra. He had surgery and took meds and stopped wetting the bed.

I hope you can finally be at peace now she is gone. I know it's hard not to get triggered at times. I try to tell myself that my mother can only hurt me now with my permission. But the guilt trip is constant.

Thing is, she says I treated her badly when I was growing up, but she cannot name one single thing I did or said. Whereas I could write a book of all the things she said and did. The difference is that my supposed treatment of her was IMAGINARY.

 

[seabird]

Yeah, it was like that with my mother. The carrot and the stick, the cookies and the abuse, the looking-good on the outside while the insides were picked to pieces. And then other people telling me it was my fault. Insane to tell a little kid they're a failure over and over and expect success.
The black sheep rebelled but the damage had been done.
Forward to now.
The natcissist person I was with, now am not with, seems to have taken my light. These types of people need to not only take all the good for themselves but to rearrange other's inner value. I want myself back, to at least have a sense of optimism that my worth still exists somehow.

 

[Lady Wolfshead]

Yeah, it was like that with my mother. The carrot and the stick, the cookies and the abuse, the looking-good on the outside while the insides were picked to pieces. And then other people telling me it was my fault. Insane to tell a little kid they're a failure over and over and expect success.
The black sheep rebelled but the damage had been done.
Forward to now.
The natcissist person I was with, now am not with, seems to have taken my light. These types of people need to not only take all the good for themselves but to rearrange other's inner value. I want myself back, to at least have a sense of optimism that my worth still exists somehow.

Yeah it was like that for us too - all about appearances. My best friend heard me talk about my mother a lot - but then one day my mother went into a rage when she was over and she hardly saw anything but the next time I saw her she said "My God, I didn't know it was like that"

Don't let the narcissist take your light away. It's still there inside you, a renewable resource.

 

[Lady Wolfshead]

My mother is being totally unreasonable and expecting me to take a 4-hour bus trip out to see her, when my brother is driving her here for Christmas in 2 weeks. She talks my ear off on the phone - we do not need to be physically present in the same room. She lives in an independent living residence where her every need is taken care of.

She also appreciates that my brother drives her to medical appointments, but does not appreciate that I spend hours listening to her gab about everything, while my brother will barely speak to her.

Oh well. She will take up no more space in my head today. She has taken up far too much space in my thoughts. I care about her, but I am sick to death of her. I can't free my life from her but I can free my mind for today. Gonna go work on my novel.

 

[Lady Wolfshead]

Just an update that my little brother now has a tumor in his rectum and other troubling symptoms, and of course my mother has made it all about her. He has a colonoscopy scheduled for Friday and hopefully soon after we will find out the severity and I hope it turns out to be benign, or at least early stage.

My brother recently told me that he loves me, which somehow shocked me although I've said it to him. I guess I feel like he should hate all women with what my mother put him through.

But today I remembered the times when he was 6 to 11 or so and she would have night rages where she climbed the stairs to his room and tore it apart (supposedly because he wet the bed or had a dirty room) and hit him and broke his toys etc while he cried and screamed...

After she'd made him put all his toys and belongings in a garbage bag and take it downstairs and he was sobbing in his room... I would sneak over and tell him it wasn't his fault and give him a puppet show. I would make him laugh. And when he was asleep I would go back to my room and stare awake at the ceiling feeling such crushing guilt that I could not protect him. And I would pray and hold out my hand towards the ceiling and plead with God to take my hand and help us. But of course, God never did.

 

[Waves]

Just an update that my little brother now has a tumor in his rectum and other troubling symptoms, and of course my mother has made it all about her. He has a colonoscopy scheduled for Friday and hopefully soon after we will find out the severity and I hope it turns out to be benign, or at least early stage.

My brother recently told me that he loves me, which somehow shocked me although I've said it to him. I guess I feel like he should hate all women with what my mother put him through.

But today I remembered the times when he was 6 to 11 or so and she would have night rages where she climbed the stairs to his room and tore it apart (supposedly because he wet the bed or had a dirty room) and hit him and broke his toys etc while he cried and screamed...

After she'd made him put all his toys and belongings in a garbage bag and take it downstairs and he was sobbing in his room... I would sneak over and tell him it wasn't his fault and give him a puppet show. I would make him laugh. And when he was asleep I would go back to my room and stare awake at the ceiling feeling such crushing guilt that I could not protect him. And I would pray and hold out my hand towards the ceiling and plead with God to take my hand and help us. But of course, God never did.

I read your threads with a heavy heart. You and your brother suffered too much. No child should suffer. Parents are supposed to protect their children. You have come a long way lady. You are a great daughter. You did not abandon your mother in her time if need in spite of the abuse. I wish you are the rewards in life. For that alone you deserve it.

 

[Lady Wolfshead]

I read your threads with a heavy heart. You and your brother suffered too much. No child should suffer. Parents are supposed to protect their children. You have come a long way lady. You are a great daughter. You did not abandon your mother in her time if need in spite of the abuse. I wish you are the rewards in life. For that alone you deserve it.

Thanks Waves.

 

[Soul flower]

@Lady Wolfshead

I'm so sorry to hear of your brother. Hope all goes well Friday.

Also, sorry to hear of your mother's imbalances and their negative effects. I can very much relate.

 

[KM76710]

I agree with @Waves and @Soul flower That is not how things should happen to children and it is most commendable for you to do things that made your brother laugh and did the best you could for him.

 

[Lady Wolfshead]

I agree with @Waves and @Soul flower That is not how things should happen to children and it is most commendable for you to do things that made your brother laugh and did the best you could for him.

Thank you. I was just a kid myself (two years older) but I knew it wasn't right what my mother did. I must admit that now I'm the same age she was during my teens, I am still puzzled remembering her rages and what provoked them. I definitely have anger issues but I've never had a screaming rage like that. I worked with children for years and I never felt that way about them. As far as I know the only people she ever showed that side of herself to was her children.

 

[Lady Wolfshead]

@Astrid78 @Sunspots @seabird @Waves @Soul flower @KM76710

Thank you all so much for your support you guys (and anyone I may have forgotten). It actually does heal my heart a little every time someone says that what happened to my brother and I was not okay.