Afraid of a diagnosis

[Jolene]

I'm gonna get tested for MS (Multiple Sclerosis). The doctor didn't tell me what he thinks, he didn't even mentioned the MS, but I figured out for the kind of test and the symptoms he got concerned about (pain, high reflex reaction). I can't stand it. If the first test is positive, I just want to tell him "ok, give me the meds for the pain, I don't care what happens next".
I'm not the kind of person who prefers to ignore the things, on the contrary, I always want to know. But this time this is more than I can stand. These past three years and a half have been awful, but 2020 is my worst nighmare, everyday something awful happens, it's not possible, but it's happening. I'm exhausted.
Also, I could live with the diagnosis, me, myself, but telling to my family and friends... No, no, no, I can't. I can't tell people that I have MS (if I do, but the probabilities are not good for me), they will suffer and I can't deal with that.
I'm afraid, I wish I didn't have gone to the doctor. I can't deal with this, now less than ever. Life is taking everything from me, each day more, until levels impossible to believe, it's not possible that too many bad things are happening at the same time, but they do. I'm desperate, scared and broken.

 

[Acy]

HI @Jolene,

I’m sorry you’re feeling afraid right now. It so hard not to try to figure out what “could be going on.” That said, I’m sure that Dr. Google causes a lot of undue anxiety (has for me on occasion). I think one of the things that Dr. Google can’t really do for us is explain ALL the reasons certain tests are ordered. Often they are done to “rule out” something, not to confirm something. Sometimes tests show that it’s actually a different thing altogether and sometimes it’s something easy to treat. Since many of the same tests are used for different illnesses/disorders, and since we are not doctors, we might not know what those other things are, so if just assuming our interpretation of Dr. Google is right it can provoke misplaced fears. It is perfectly understandable that we want to know and that with Google out there, it’s a temptation to go looking. I’m not saying you did anything wrong.

I hear your anxiety and fear, and how you really don’t want family and friends getting worried. IF - big IF - it is MS, they would undoubtedly feel upset and worried because they care. That’s not a bad thing. And IF - big IF - it is MS, you and they would likely have some convos about how you and they will interact about it.

For now, you’re having tests done. When the diagnosis arrives - whatever it is - you can and will cope. You are here and you have even been able to reach out to us. That’s a sign of real strength.

I hope it is not MS or anything else serious. Please keep us posted. I’m thinking of you!

 

[Jolene]

Thank you so much...
I'm the first one to be suspicious of Dr Google but this time... I don't know, there are many horrible things happening to me right now so this could be possible. And it fits. I hope it isn't that but still I'm afraid.
I have the test in one week and a half, I'll try not to think too much about it (well, I have lots of problems to choose from so...), thank you...

 

[BlueGreen]

Try not to worry @Jolene. So many symptoms fit much worse things but turn out to be benign. When I got a terrible eczema out of nowhere and turned into what looked like a burns victim, I got tested for Lupus. While I waited I Googled and of course everything seemed to fit. In the end it was actually a dairy intolerance. Stress, hormones, diet - all these things when they go haywire can look really serious. Even if there is a diagnosis, it's better to know and you control who you tell. You are stronger than you realise and we are always here. Sending positive thoughts and wishes

 

[Jolene]

Try not to worry @Jolene. So many symptoms fit much worse things but turn out to be benign. When I got a terrible eczema out of nowhere and turned into what looked like a burns victim, I got tested for Lupus. While I waited I Googled and of course everything seemed to fit. In the end it was actually a dairy intolerance. Stress, hormones, diet - all these things when they go haywire can look really serious. Even if there is a diagnosis, it's better to know and you control who you tell. You are stronger than you realise and we are always here. Sending positive thoughts and wishes

Thank you so much I should know better, I have bad health and a chronic illness already and I was tested for worse things that turned out not to be. But I don't know, as I've said, too many bad things happening right now, I guess I'm even more easily scared than before...

 

[berryStraw]

I'm gonna get tested for MS (Multiple Sclerosis). The doctor didn't tell me what he thinks, he didn't even mentioned the MS, but I figured out for the kind of test and the symptoms he got concerned about (pain, high reflex reaction). I can't stand it. If the first test is positive, I just want to tell him "ok, give me the meds for the pain, I don't care what happens next".
I'm not the kind of person who prefers to ignore the things, on the contrary, I always want to know. But this time this is more than I can stand. These past three years and a half have been awful, but 2020 is my worst nighmare, everyday something awful happens, it's not possible, but it's happening. I'm exhausted.
Also, I could live with the diagnosis, me, myself, but telling to my family and friends... No, no, no, I can't. I can't tell people that I have MS (if I do, but the probabilities are not good for me), they will suffer and I can't deal with that.
I'm afraid, I wish I didn't have gone to the doctor. I can't deal with this, now less than ever. Life is taking everything from me, each day more, until levels impossible to believe, it's not possible that too many bad things are happening at the same time, but they do. I'm desperate, scared and broken.

I hope you dont test positive for that, but dont worry its gonna be okay, it might be just something harmless, 90% of the time I have an issue I blow it out of proportions before I even find out what it actually is.

 

[Jolene]

I hope you dont test positive for that, but dont worry its gonna be okay, it might be just something harmless, 90% of the time I have an issue I blow it out of proportions before I even find out what it actually is.

Thank you... I know, I've been there ten years ago, being tested for deathly things and I was strong enough, I wasn't like this at all. But I guess that this time it's a very bad moment, probably the worst time of my life, so I am weaker than before.
Even if I had a positive, that wouldn't change anything, I would still have the symptoms I already had, the difference is that I would be treated properly so I should feel better from the pain (painkillers aren't working 100%, that's why I went to the specialist). But the words are scary and I am in a very bad emotional place already, I can't deal with more things...

 

[KM76710]

I wishing for the best for you with your test and diagnosis.

 

[Lara_C]

I have a feeling things won't turn out as bad as you're thinking @Jolene. All this worrying might have something to do with your symptoms, maybe?

 

[Jolene]

I wishing for the best for you with your test and diagnosis.

Thank you so much...

 

[Jolene]

I have a feeling things won't turn out as bad as you're thinking @Jolene. All this worrying might have something to do with your symptoms, maybe?

Maybe. And last night I was thinking... These two days I'm feeling more kinds of pain, no new ones, but the ones that are not so bad and I use to ignore them (as I've said, my health is not the best so I'm used to certain things and I don't use to pay attention because they are "normal"). I connected that with what happens sometimes when a woman think she's pregnant (not wanting to) and she starts too feel all the pregnancy symptoms until the test is negative. She wasn't pregnant, never was, but felt the symptoms because she was afraid. As a matter of fact, that happened to me and some of my friends. I wonder if that's the same, that my psicosomatic symptoms bring me here (the situation where I'll have to take that test) and now that the MS is a possibility, I'm feeling even worse. I don't know...

 

[Jolene]

I have the MRI tomorrow. I am not nervous, the test is not the problem (and is not my first scanner), but it's the first step: Then the results will come and that's when I'm gonna start panicking. I wish I could tell the doctor "please, give me pain-killers and leave it at that". I don't want more...

 

[Jolene]

I come here again, since I started, it's fair that I tell you what happened. I just came from the doctor. He says that everything is ok and "we're not gonna pay attention to this, we're lucky that it's nothing". Yeah, right, it's a relief. I was scared as hell and, from his face reading the results, he was too, because he seemed even more relieved than me. BUT what about my pain? My pain ir real, it hurts like hell during crisis. I don't care if it is just because, I want better painkillers because the effects of mine doesn't last more than three hours so, when I have a week of pain, well, you can imagine...
But well, fine from now. When I get another crisis of pain I'll call him and beg him for better painkillers but, for today, I'll focus on the fact that it wasn't MS (he thought it too, so I wasn't overreacting, he kinda made me feel it even if he didn't tell the words at that moment).

 

[sinking_ship]

I'm glad you don't have MS. I hope they can find a better diagnosis for your pain soon so you can get some relief.

 

[Jolene]

I'm glad you don't have MS. I hope they can find a better diagnosis for your pain soon so you can get some relief.

Thank you
The thing is that the doctor doesn't seem interested in digging more. It was like "ok, it's nothing serious, nothing is wrong, we won't pay attention to that" (and yes, he said that about not paying attention to it).
I know that my kind of pain can have three causes: MS, brain tumor or... Just because. Glad that it's "just because", but it still hurts and when the bad days come, I'll need stronger meds than the ones I have. But well, I'll go back to him when that happens.