Almost constant feeling of emptiness

[TMK]

For most of my life I've felt hopeless, depressed, anxious, and suicidal. But for most of my life I could still somewhat cope with those. If I could keep myself distracted with other things then I could still deal with it.

But in this last few years, and especially this last year, those feelings have become so frequent that it's an almost constant feeling of hollowness and fear. It makes it so I can't focus on anything or enjoy anything. It's a feeling that's both numbing and almost painful. It's like it's suddenly become hard to breathe. (To be clear, I'm not actually incapable of breathing, and I don't think there's a physical ailment going on, that's just the best analogy I can come up with to explain the feeling.)

If nothing else, I really need something that can stop that feeling. Even if I become triggered and depressed, I don't want to feel that. I don't know if meds can take care of that problem. I'm considering trying to see a therapist or psychiatrist. But I also have a pretty serious anxiety about going outside. I can maybe handle one or two in-person sessions, but what I really need is to get treatment online or over the phone. I just don't know if it's possible to get prescribed medications from a remote consultation.

I'm not really sure I know what I hope to get out of talking about this here. I just know that this website has helped me through some of my more recent crises. Maybe I just need a place to talk without feeling judged.

 

[KM76710]

I hope that you know you can share here, we will listen, but no judgements given. Just express as you need and want.

 

[MisterBGone]

I'd say it would probably be worth your while to at least give the professional help a go. What have you got to lose? You can try it & if it doesn't work out, you'll at least know that you've tried that avenue or route. And what if it does help, or make things just a little bit better? And make it just slightly easier to function - as you say, to breathe more freely & without restraint? You just never know, you can think about it until the end of time. But experience is really the only true answer & way for you to find out.

You seem to have a pretty good assessment of yourself with respect to what your troubles are. That is good, as it can then help you to identify ways in which you might go about tackling some of them. The more clearly you can articulate this to professionals, the less time you'll waste in giving them the help they need to treat you. Keep speaking up on here too when it is of benefit to you!

And sorry you've suffered so much, for so long...

 

[TMK]

Thank you guys for the kind words.

I have this weird problem that having friends stresses me out. Having people in real life I can meet or call is not even an option. I'm extremely anti-social and just having a conversation is a struggle. Whereas friends or acquaintances I've known online I've always eventually ghosted. I can't be honest with people about who I am or how I feel. And the more they get to know me, the more uncomfortable I become.

I know it's unhealthy not having anyone to communicate with. And I sometimes naively wonder if it would be worth struggling through that discomfort. Would I get something good out of it in the end if I tried? I really don't think so. I can't tell them anything about myself without absolutely humiliating myself. Avoiding talking about myself has the same effect. People can read between the lines. Not answering a question or avoiding a topic is the same as answering it -- or at the very least leaving it up to them to come up with their own answers.

Finding this website has helped somewhat to fill in that gap. But I'm not sure it's enough that I'd want to make or maintain a friendship. This anonymity helps me maintain my comfort zone and discuss these issues openly.

On a different note: it turns out it is possible to get online psychiatry and prescriptions. I'll just have to find one that accepts my insurance, I guess. I have state-provided low-income insurance and I'm actually not sure who my provider is. I'll have to contact my caseworker later to get that information.

 

[Windhover]

That's good you found out it's possible to get online psychiatry and prescriptions.
Is your caseworker available to talk to on the phone or text?

I know that for some of us, having friends in real life is in the, "never or rarely" category. For what it's worth, my take on it is that there isn't anything intrinsicaly wrong with being a loner. Despite the accepted truth of humans being healthier with a few friends &/or family around, some of us do learn to be fine pretty much alone. We can find out how to thrive with minimal interactions. With the help of a counselor or psychiatrist, it's good to get a little bit out of our comfort zone to find out what kind of contact might work well. And it can fluctuate over time, so there's that to consider too. I'm talking too much again sorry.

I hope you feel better pretty soon. When that breathing thing happens, I hope you can find a way to feel grounded, in the moment, and practice slow gentle breaths. Keep us posted.

 

[iloverachel]

I have read some of your old posts, I am sorry to see you have struggled with suicidal thoughts and loneliness for so long.
I would love to be your friend on here and you can communicate with me any time if you wish
I know it's not the same as having real life friends but I hope it helps

 

[MisterBGone]

I think that if you were able to get meds & therapy, even if you don't get to the level/or place where you feel comfortable having friends, in person or online, you could begin to hopefully feel a whole better about yourself. Or worst case scenario, a just a little bit less worse. The medications prescribed by a psychiatrist may begin to help you manage some of the conditions you'd described (the depression, anxiety & suicidality). Though they typically aren't a magical elixir. Perhaps they can take some of the edge off, in order to get started/or going in the right direction. In other words, some mighty fine effort on your behalf (& as well as most any other's - in any case of severity) to get to where you want to get/or be, "Ideally!" In order to reach this level of satisfaction, this is where therapy may be of some benefit, as they can help to reshape your thinking, and possibly counter some of the deeply ingrained self-beliefs; which happen to be, just like a lot of the rest of us, on the negative side of things...

Here again, patience is required along with great effort, for if we are to somehow reverse, or help to improve how we have felt & thought about ourselves for so long (no matter what I do in any interaction, I can't handle friends/relationships, etc.): Whether that be saying too much; saying too little; or even nothing at all (no response, is a response kind of a thing) - all are equally wrong, as I am categorically insufficient for their companionship. Or I just feel so miserable about myself, and have already analyzed the situation (of 'Me,') completely & comprehensively over the course of time in my life. So there is no need to think of anything else, or discover any new answers. I already know it all. By the way, I hope this doesn't come across as too passing judgement in a harshly critical manner, or matter.

As that is the last and furthest thing from my mind as I write these words out (I certainly can't go back & read them again with any degree of clarity or even comprehension). So what you see is, unfortunately, kind of what you get. Take it or leave it, or anything in between. I only want what's best for you in terms of improvement in the positive direction or outcomes going forward. In short, best case it likely will take time, be hard and at times not "fun." But that is to be expected & the nature of things given the current state, and how long things have been this way (as opposed to if it had just happened more recently, or not been quite as profound). I hope you can eventually / one day get to a place where your expectations meet or exceed your desires.

 

[MisterBGone]

It's Ok, too, if you decide that not having friends or outside relationships is what works best for you. That said, it might be "worth a shot," to at least give it an honest go, and maybe more than just a try or two, in order to see for yourself. Does the experience match the belief? In theory, and in practice - so to speak. . .

As long as you are comfortable & happy with yourself, or if it is just too much drawbacks and other noteworthy horrible outcomes for you, then 'No' perhaps it isn't right for you. You don't have to be a social butterfly, and that might be entirely unrealistic at this point. But if leaving the house and getting to know people on a level of "closeness," just has too much impact on you, your life & your sanity. Then that just may not be your cup of tea~

Not the end of the world, provided that you are satisfied with your attempts to make them otherwise. Or just realize and know, there's no hope for me. I do know AND understand what that's like. To be a hopeless case. But even as we do feel "hope-less," maybe with a little help, open mindedness and willingness to change, our outlooks & interactions can reform. Or something like that? Best to you.

 

[TMK]

I really appreciate your guys' kind replies. Your thoughtful advice is also always welcome.

One of the reasons I've considered finding a friend is because of what I've learned about myself after coming to this website when things get really bad: some of my worst symptoms become a lot more manageable just by talking about them and having people there to listen. For example, the overwhelming anxiety that makes it hard to breath, I haven't felt it once since I made that post. Before that, it was an almost hourly occurrence. And it could be triggered by anything that was slightly sad or stressful.

I'm not entirely sure why talking about it seems to have such a strong effect. Could it be a placebo effect? It's not as if I've fixed the source of the problem. That overwhelming anxiety exists because I'm afraid of the future. There is practically no version of the future that isn't the same or worst than my life right now. And inevitably it can only get worse. Part of my anxiety comes from not knowing how far away that worse version of the future is. And another part is not knowing how I should deal with it. So I always come back to the same "solution" for those questions I can't answer. And then I get hit with another dose of harsh anxiety because of what that would do to my mom. I would hate myself for hurting her like that. So I'm forced into a cycle of suffering I don't know how to get out of.

Is that cycle real? Is it as bad as I think it is? Is there no way to pull myself through even if one of those inevitable bad futures come? The answer in my head to all of that is yes (it's real, it's bad, and I'm not equipped to deal with it). But I also know I'm a biased observer.

Talking here hasn't actually fixed any of those issues. And yet it helped me greatly relieve the constant and easily-triggered anxiety. I have no idea why that is. But I'm grateful to have such an outlet.

Thank you guys, and sorry for the wall of text.

 

[sightseer]

I'm sorry this is happening to you !

I feel life isn't fair, but being able to "control" it a bit isn't that far away from your reach.
If you are willing to search for help, then, that would help you reach that stage.
It won't be "fun", you'll have to be patient and put your negative emotions aside: pride; aversion; attachment to some ideas; etc.

Check your motivation. Why would you like to do this ? Would it be for the benefit of everyone ? I do think so !
Be open minded, let the psychiatrist and psychologist help you as they think they should.
And open your self, "humiliate" your self if you will, as that is part of the treatment.
Don't be to attached to your integrity as it's not a job interview and what you say it's confidential.
Every one is "crazy" inside, don't be afraid of being a normal person with problems.
Things will get better, personally and professionally, as you will have ( over time ) a big support from everyone.

You won't have to be afraid of the Future then, sooner or later you'll eat the fruits that you plant I promise
-- if you're taking a step forward towards being better, things will get better.
We will never be able to have a perfect life but we can do have a better life.
Life is ups and downs, nothing is for ever neither the happy days nor then sad ones.
We will never have everything as we want as there are my factors to it.
But we can sure try to adapt and take the opportunities that belong to us.

There are many activities that you can try while recovering like: volunteering; meditation; etc.
They will help you for Shure .

Wish you the best

 

[MisterBGone]

It's funny how that works, isn't it? I guess you don't really have to explain it or define it. The part about posting and the impending relief (even if only temporary) that ensues. It isn't healthy to keep all of our penetrating thoughts, and feelings, as well as emotions stuffed (down) inside. For they can become combustible, and eventually explode. Or come out sideways in other areas.

I'd say the release was healthy, and you may find similar occurences if & when you get professional help/or treatment. Especially with respect to therapy. The meds may help greatly with the severity of the anxiety, and its worst symptoms. Just to dull or blunt them a little bit. Take the edge off, so to speak, such that you are then better able to succeed & function, as well as proceed while you persevere through the suffering - hopefully breaking that cycle somewhat, and on occasion enough for you to be able to be & feel free. Or ''free-er," more free, I guess is what I mean or am getting at!

The doom for the future can be grossly overstated, or misunderstood. This is where a psychologist could help you. The drugs will be prescribed by a psychiatrist, in the best instances/& cases. What pill he decides to prescribe (& that can be a mixed bag, by the way, a sense or bit 'tril & error,') / (but don't worry about that yet; if at all, because it may not even be applicable to you - nor hinder you in any way) will greatly impact you and your condition. In so far as the traumas that you are suffering.