know they are coming. Thought insertion is the what is the thing that is hurting. I cut now because will get aliens and FBI put things in me. Every movement and every second the death is coming closer. Can't cry or think, going catatonic is no fun. Why me is my fault for everything for no reason. They accuse me of it. I say the car and they track and wow is it me. Depression sucks because art brings no money. My life is error and failure. The greatness of my brother is amazing. You wonder if it is me but no one knows anything. I can't rain in the sun not in here. I am so sad, a burden to the universe. Planets know why and who I am and they die and so do I. I must wait to die but I get commands from everyone and the FBI and aliens are fighting over me. Pick up the knife they say and slit my wrist. But the aliens at the house is plotting and what me for their planet. Capture and torture. Don't want that. The micro machines inside is making me depressed. Money? What is that and wow not for me. Totally worthless and what is hope again? Mess everywhere and why did I kill millions? People who are around everywhere is saying that I need to die but can't do it now. This week is neat but no voices which is the greatest news of all. I am neurotic and the depression wants so much that I can't concentrate difficult to write. What is future, my computer is the thing that goes error all the way but I have no future because of the worthlessness. My leg shakes. My heart beats too fast and pills are poison but not certain ones. Hot flash now. No delusions but the truth and nothing but the truth I like that show the moment of truth. No one wants to hear and think respond because they know who I am and I am no one. Cruises are fun and I must live 2 weeks. But the death of the alien torture or FBI micro machines might come before that. There what is now a new psychologist says all of everything is just autism happy not psychotic. Mind is blank again for the reason of stupidity. What is my brain, what brain? $600 a month is no good, oh why me again? I love to fly but will die from people that lie. Movies are good, I see one tomorrow and its cool. My psychiatrist knows that nothing is good and doesn't care and he is thinking of ways to kill me. They control every movement and stuff thoughts and I don't eat much did I say depression sucks? This happens for no reason because bad luck from everything is annoying. What now do I do for the stupid depression? More every second of my life, it gets worse and why does this happen?
Almost suicidal death will come
- Thread starter FireBird
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Also see http://www.wrongplanet.net/postt68344.html where this question was also posted
I went to the new psychiatrist and the experience was horrible. I couldn't really tell him what was really going on because all he cares about was me fixating on my condition. He wouldn't answer any questions that I had. He also said there's no way that I have all the things that I have been diagnosed with. I don't think it is all that complex. I think it is bipolar 2 without psychotic features because I never had a true manic episode. Just a hypomanic one. Am I smarter than this so called expert? He said there's no way on Earth that it is bipolar. I have highs and lows with mainly lows (99%). I was looking forward to meeting him. He basically blamed all my symptoms on me or at least implied that I am just copying the symptoms off the DSM IV. They even have a name for it. "Medical Student Syndrome." I wrote a list of my symptoms and some of it looked like depression, schizophrenia, bipolar, autism, DID, and anxiety. I've heard of people that have it much worse than that and have more conditions so why doesn't he believe me? Very few doctors have taken my side and believed the words that are coming out of my mouth. My new psychologist is just as bad. She doesn't want me to have any testing that might help just because I fixate. The ones in the mental hospital are stupid as well. They are liars. This so called "expert" that I went to cost $900 for 3 appointments. He is supposed to be the top doctor in Washington State for autism and autism related disorders. He says, "You are treatment resistant, and other anti depressants won't take away the symptoms and I will just have to live with them." He suggested either Clozaril which I refuse to take or ECT. I'd take the electro shock therapy over the Clozaril. He said thought insertion is a classic schizophrenic symptom and you don't necessarily have to hear voices all day long. He says that it doesn't happen in other disorders. Yes, it does according to my precious research. There is depression with psychotic features with mood incongruent delusions, even though that is rare, it does happen. I felt more depressed coming out of the session than going in. Both appointments sucked. I have either bipolar or depression but I don't agree with the psychotic features even though every doctor says that I have it. I just want to die after the cruise and party. After that, there is no point on going on. Even my dad thinks my so called "business" will never take off and make money. Soon dad is going to retire. Where in the heck is the money going to come from? I hate myself and no matter what others say, I AM a burden to everyone on Earth. We had to travel over 60 miles just to get disappointed. I like the fact that I don't eat much and am losing weight so I don't want that part to go away. No one will ever believe me. They will use my medical knowledge against me. What is it, every medical student or psychology student comes down with everything in the book? I pray mine is a chemical imbalance and not fake. That means there is hope. By the way, most things that are happening to me are real as they can get. I feel the devices in me moving throughout my body and I use a razor blade to try to cut them out. I know more things about stuff than this "expert." The only hope is that I find help online because real life people suck and hate me. My other psychiatrist the one I have been going to for over a year only cares about me having caffeine and nothing else. He doesn't care that I am cutting on myself and suicidal, but that is all thats on his mind. There were times that I was fine and had caffeine. In fact I am not drinking pop as much as I used to because of the lack of appetite. My symptoms are getting worse and no one cares just because I focus on it so much. I also focus on current events, the economy, Bush, planes, the stock market, gas prices, and other things. Not just my condition like the doctors are accusing me of. You go to a psychiatrist and psychologist to talk about your problems, right? To get help. I don't know how much longer I can fight the depression and thought insertion. I am also having panic attacks in crowds again. No fun. Hopefully someone responds.
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