alomost a year since my Uncle's suicide, but I don't feel the pain.

[motobreath137]

I'm sorry if starting a new thread was inappropriate, but I didn't see any similar topics.

My uncle committed suicide last April, and because I lived with him I was the one that discovered his body. Initially I had nightmares about the disfigurement of his face (he used a deer rifle ), and I know that I must have been affected due to my actions both immediately after I found him and in the weeks that followed.

I must have looked right at him several times as I wandered the house calling out his name, but it didn't seem to click. I even thought the blood was spilled wine. Once I realized the situation I walked in circles dazed and made a frantic 911 call after about 45 mins.

I don't remember much about what followed, but I'll start by saying I am a heroin addict in recovery and was clean for 18 months up until his death. however I had two overdoses and spent 3 days in jail all within 10 days of his death.

I am clean again, and in the process of getting help, but what bugs me is after the first 2 weeks passed I haven't seemed to feel anything about his death, and he meant everything to me. He was more of a father than my dad, and was the one person on this earth I confided in about everything. I am not so much concerned with his reasons or decision to leave me behind, I understand it even if I don't like it. I have at times myself been suicidal, which was/is more than likely due to being a diagnosed bi-polar mixed with heroin dependency. But it scares me how numb I am after all this time (a year in April), I am no stranger to death, or even violent death for that matter, and the way I feel is still comepletley alien to me. Is anyone else feeling this, or has been through this? I would really like to hear about it. Right now I feel all alone in this.

 

[Terry]

I felt numb after my father's death and not just about him, I seemed emotionally blunted on all fronts.
About a year in, I began to feel the most awful rage and now (3 years on) I keep thinking he didn't love me and cry all the time.
Grief is a terrible thing to deal with and I never knew the gamut of emotions one had to go through till I had to do it.

 

[motobreath137]

I'm not sure if this is grief just manifesting itself over a very long period or what. But the rage thing I get, I'm not necessarily mad about his suicide, but I have been aggravated with little things that never used to bother me. On the plus side, it has made me determined not to act on suicidal thoughts because I would never want to put anyone through what he put me through. Still, It scares me that I am so numb to the event ( his death) now, I'm worried there may be a cliff I'm about to go over, or something I'm not dealing with properly.

 

[total eclipse]

Your body in a way is protecting you for now it is but when time comes you will feel the emotions I think with what you had to face if you can get a therapist that deals with trauma ok that will help guide you through what is happening the agitation the numbness and eventually other emotions that come through. A therapist will help you heal inside ok hugs
there is NO proper way to deal with it hun everyone deals with loss in their own way in their own time. I loss my brother to suicide and i did not want to feel i became numb and did not cry or show emotion for a long time

 

[scaryforest]

feelings are often delayed
be prepared that it may hit you at any time

 

[motobreath137]

^That is what scares me.^ It has obviously affected me a great deal. As I mentioned, within ten days of the event I had hopped off the wagon and wound up in jail. I felt so lost and dazed the first few weeks. I don't remember much about my actions. But I can wrap my head around that part, it's the long term affects that set in unnoticed that I am having trouble with. It may just have been the event that finally broke me, or however you want to say it. It wasn't until recent weeks that I noticed just how far I've fallen.

To put it in a perspective, my life is more stable than it has been in over ten years. I'm clean, have a job, I'm in good health and have a place to call home, but I don't enjoy any of it. I have it really good, and I feel like i'm being ungrateful, i cannot cry for my uncle, or rest easy at night knowing that I am fine and have it made. I'm stuck in a sort of limbo.


And to answer you elipse, I do have a therapist that I am seeing, but it is through a free clinic and I don't see her very often, and she is an addiction specialist. That's where they Diagnosed me bi polar II, and something else... I just want to kick start this process, or at least maintain some sort of grasp over it so that I don't go off the deep end again. I want to move on with my life and keep my Uncle's memory alive, but i can do neither while i'm stuck in this daze.

I hope these ramblings make sense.