Alone for the holidays, again

[alice202]

Tomorrow is Thanksgiving in America, a day when you're supposed to get together with your family and give thanks. Well, my parents are dead, I am estranged from my siblings, and I have no family of my own. I would still like to find a partner, but in the meantime, its one lonely year after another.

Having agonized over this for several years, I have realized that I am the scapegoat in a narcissistic family. To my siblings, everything they don't like about their lives is my fault. Even if that means blowing things so far out of proportion that its ridiculous. The last communications with my sister were 5 years ago when my mother died. Even then she wouldn't talk to me, she only texted me. And although I've tried to hash things out with her in a series of emails in the past, she selectively ignores about 80% of what I say and turns the rest around on me. I'm the villain. She told me a long time ago she was going to stop inviting me to holidays because her kids were adults, and she only invited me when they were younger to give them a "sense" of family. Basically she seems to think of me as a contaminant because I am not as conservative as she is. I have no reason to think things will ever change, because I will always be the scapegoat.

Its painful. For me it isn't even being alone that hurts- I'm used to that. Its the expectation that EVERYONE has that we are all going to see our big happy families on this holiday. And if we're not, then somehow I need to explain. There's nothing worse than wondering if people think you DESERVE to be alone because you're such an awful person.

Sometimes I remind myself that these family holidays weren't all that great. Somebody was always angry, usually my sister, who is a perpetual victim.

I don't have terrible dark thoughts about taking my life, but I am miserable. I can't wait for the holidays to be over.

Thanks for letting me have a place to let this out.

Alice

 

[BarryW]

I can't wait for the holidays to be over.

This is me pretty much every year. Unfortunately, the calendar is full of a slew of holidays, all telling me what to do. I try my best to pretend they don't exist, but it is very challenging, considering the levels of attention given to the holidays by other people or companies.

Sometimes I remind myself that these family holidays weren't all that great.

Absolutely can be some painful get-togethers.

I'll say this. You're not alone in being alone this holiday.

 

[LonelyHiker]

I can relate. I am divorced and all my friends and family live four states away. My parents are dead and while I am on good terms with my four siblings, they are busy with their own families and we have always been a bit "laissez faire" when it comes to staying in touch. My son will spend part of the weekend with me, which is good, but he always does Thursday with his mom and her family, which makes sense since he gets to see all his cousins, otherwise it'd just be he and I.

Still, I can empathize. I usually am happy to work (I am a retail manager) and don't really observe Thanksgiving anyhow, which I think is a whitewashed, sanitized holiday (but that's another thread). Christmas and New Year's I am neutral about.

But yes, being alone this time of year can be awful, especially when corporate Amerika inflates their [the holidays'] importance and bombards us with bullshit images, manufactures bullshit expectations and tries to dictate to a gullible, consumer-driven public what the holidays "should" be.

I will be around the forums the next couple of days and happy to commiserate/chat with anyone who needs support during Hallmark™ season (that goes for Christmas and new years as well!)

Peace

Tim

 

[Livelife]

Alone and will be here as well. Grateful to have at least some place to share time and some connection during the holidays.

 

[1Lefty]

Alone here as well, a meal with my sis and nephew notwithstanding.
Probably a chat with my best bud, the only friend I have left.

peace

 

[iloverachel]

I understand how you feel
Loneliness is the worst

We are here for you
Happy thanksgiving

 

[Marga]

Same here for Christmas😓😓😓

 

[Survivorist]

Hi, well known to me. I am the black sheep of my family. My sister has cut every contact with me since years and my parents are both dead. My son is a pilot and is always somewhere else. I live in a foreign country, the language is still not at 100%... But I gave up the feeling that it is me, who did everything wrong. Now I enjoy being alone, have just some friends (who will stay for a lifetime) and if I feel lonely I try to make things as cozy as it can be -> a good movie, something small but nice to eat....

I would wish you the power to get rid of this past - it's hopeless. I wish you could do something crazy that kicks you out of these feelings. Hug.

 

[LumberJack]

Oh gosh. I have been alone for the whole holidays before. Thanksgiving, Christmas and New Year. It’s part of the reason I moved closer to my family.

Sometimes friends would invite me, but I felt like I was crashing their family thing, since it was the whole family who has known each other forever, and then me, who only knows my friend there. Awkward doesn’t start to describe it. Luckily I didn’t witness any fights, and I noticed that my friend’s relatives actually seemed to like one another, which was new holiday behavior for me.

Even though my family is dysfunctional af, I still rather be with them than alone over Thanksgiving and Christmas. I share the view that thanksgiving is a stupid holiday because of what really happened between the pilgrims and the natives. And I reject Christianity*, which okay has been stripped out of Christmas, but I reject materialism and conspicuous consumption, too. So Christmas is a lame holiday, but ffs everything is closed, even gas stations! I don’t know what else to do but sit at home and be lonely, knowing that most folks are with family, and either getting along or fighting, depending on the dynamics. I really didn’t know there are so many people who also spend holidays alone.

NYE stopped meaning anything to me once I hit 30 or so and decided that drinking huge amounts of alcohol was not the panacea I thought it was.

Nonetheless, it is a lonely time. Friends are usually busy with their own families, and there’s very little to do unless you like movies and Chinese food (which yes is not really Chinese but that’s what it’s called). You could go for a hike or some other outdoor activity, and run into people doing their family things and looking at you funny because you’re alone. I think hanging out here on the forums and chat is a great alternative.

 

[LumberJack]

*- my rejection of Christianity is subjective. I don’t hold any Christian’s beliefs against them, because I think it might be a legitimate spiritual path for some people. Except for the attitude towards the LGBTQ + community, of which I am a member. However I don’t see this belief as part of Christianity, but rather patriarchal BS that was injected into Christianity by power hungry politicians several hundreds of years ago.

 

[alice202]

Here comes Christmas. I know there was a time when I looked forward to it, but now its just a reminder of the family members who shun me and who I will probably never see or talk to again. It breaks my heart, and I imagine they don't care at all.

People assume everyone has a warm loving family that they look forward to seeing. When someone I don't know very well asks I politely lie about it and say I'm just going home for the holiday because I don't have too many days available to take off from work. I don't elaborate. But the truth is I'm not invited.

My siblings have ostracized me. It fits the pattern of narcissism. So my sister is angry at me, a 67 year old woman, for choosing a different religion and politics than hers, and choosing to live in a different state. Behind my back she has called me "toxic" so she justifies refusing to have contact with me. The truth is I feel that she is toxic, but she can effectively keep me away from my nieces because they won't go against her. So, I lose.

I feel ashamed. Even here, I feel like I have to explain/defend why I am alone. If I felt good about it I wouldn't lie to people and pretend I'm going home.

Home is just me and my dog.

Alice

 

[Anchorchain]

I was alone on Thanksgiving and I'll be alone on Christmas. My parents and two brothers are dead......I don't miss them at all, there are reasons why, but being gone now, those reasons are irrelevant.
I don't have any close friends except for two friends from the distant past whom I only know online now.
Being alone is normal for me; I'm not troubled by aloneness but acquaintances from church and volunteering who ask what I'll be doing over the holidays.......that's troubling to me. I don't lie and give them some made up story, I say I'll be alone and that it's OK. But they always seem to come up with some version of, 'You poor thing, how awful for you' or, 'How can that be? You must have somebody.......'
It's a bit condescending and patronizing, maybe even judgmental on their part.
OK, it isn't the end of the world. Christmas without my family is a relief. I have a nice enough house with a few luxuries. There's no war going on here and I have plenty to eat. I have a lot to be grateful for.
Thanks for your generosity Lord, I'm doing OK. Send some peace and plenty to the people who really need it.

 

[Livelife]

Thank you so much Anchorchain for the perspective. I've been alone on holidays without family for years. An occasional Thanksgiving with a local acquaintance and her family but that's not happening any longer. I am also grateful for the roof over my head, the heat in the winter and food in the refrigerator and the dogs to cuddle with. I appreciate the reminder for gratitude.

 

[alice202]

I don't lie and give them some made up story, I say I'll be alone and that it's OK. But they always seem to come up with some version of, 'You poor thing, how awful for you' or, 'How can that be? You must have somebody.......' It's a bit condescending and patronizing, maybe even judgmental on their part.

Well I guess you are more virtuous than I am. I do lie to avoid more pain. And I do have living relatives that I miss, so I don't like being alone, especially on the holidays.

Sometimes I don't know why I even come here.

 

[Lady Wolfshead]

Well I guess you are more virtuous than I am. I do lie to avoid more pain. And I do have living relatives that I miss, so I don't like being alone, especially on the holidays.

Sometimes I don't know why I even come here.

It seems perfectly reasonable to me to lie if you want to, to avoid others' judgment.
My family isn't doing Christmas this year because my poor brother is exhausted from chemotherapy, but Christmas has always been a struggle in my family-- and for many others who have abusive, demanding or difficult family members. In fact a huge number of those people from big "happy" families are not enjoying the holiday as much as they pretend to. I've read blogs for instance of how much some people, especially women, dread all the cleaning, decorating, cooking, baking, shopping and wrapping gifts. Not to mention when the bills roll in during January.

So maybe enjoy the trees or lights or decorations or spiritual aspects without all that social and commercial pressure. Brew yourself some hot chocolate or eggnog and watch a movie. That's what I'm gonna do.

 

[Widowedvegan]

Well I guess you are more virtuous than I am. I do lie to avoid more pain. And I do have living relatives that I miss, so I don't like being alone, especially on the holidays.

Sometimes I don't know why I even come here.

I hear you @alice202 …
If you feel the need to lie that’s fine, we all need to do what works for us…
I am sorry that you will be alone and that you don’t want to be, it’s sad not to feel cared about by our relatives… My extended family certainly don’t care about me but, I am in a different country so it doesn’t matter… Because my husband is dead I prefer being alone…
If I wanted to be with people over the Holidays I think that I would probably try to volunteer somewhere…

 

[Windhover]

I'm sorry @alice202. I hope there is less misery than usual over the holidays. If you feel like it and want support or to commiserate about family of origin, I welcome that, anytime. I'm sure I'll be on SF even more than usual. For me, because of being separated from my partner, this enire holiday season seems somewhat unreal and very lonely. However, I'm grateful for my grown youngsters being supportive of me during my, um, whatever it's called. Heart-broken-ness.

 

[alice202]

thank you @seabird. I'm sorry you're going through this too.
Alice

 

[cymbele]

I hope you find some happiness during the Christmas season. I have invited myself over to various people's houses - I wish I didn't have to but I'm terrified of being alone these days. Yes I am lucky but I wish I had someone special (not just the cat) to spend it with and not have to force myself on anyone. I look at Christmas lights and bake cookies for presents and try to enjoy sappy Hallmark Christmas movies. It's tough.