Hey, I'm new here. I have been looking for a place where I can talk about some things because I'm trying to figure out if I actually have a problem with depression or if it's all in my head. So anyone who has some time, I would really appreciate your thoughts... I began seeing my high school tutor last year who was substantially older than me. I had always had a crush on him but never thought of doing anything due to the large age difference...He made the first move and we went from there. To make a long story short, I was very inexperienced and not ready for any kind of relationship with him (more due to embarrassment than anything) . I was very drawn to him though, and this led to us beginning a hooking-up "relationship" that has lasted until just very recently. The only reason this is relevant is because I still talk to him even though we have both tried to end anything between us numerous times...I'm not sure whether he is triggering for me or helpful...I love him and literally cannot think about not having him in my life in some form, even if that means just talking via texting. We have tried to end things numerous times (sometimes he tried, sometimes I did) because we both want different things. I know that he cares about me and misses me when we don't talk...but he has said over and over again how he doesn't want to date me. He doesn't love me. The last time he tried to end things I cut myself and loved it. I loved the feeling, the power I felt, the high I got, everything. I saw nothing wrong with it and at the time didn't think I would ever actually kill myself. Lately though, I have come to the realization that suicide is a very real concept for me. I think about it often, and try to find things that are worth living for. The guy I mentioned actually saw the cuts (he also used to be very depressed and has scars on his wrists) asked if I "was cutting now" then said "cool" as a way to dismiss it (I know how this looks...Like he doesn't give a shit and stuff and I guess I can't really defend him). The only things keeping me going are my nephew and this guy (I cannot even explain my love for these two people. They are my everything...Which scares the shit out of me). When I cut, I see nothing wrong with it and would keep doing it forever if people didn't notice. My mom has seen them and talked to me about how I worry her sometimes and she's scared I might hurt myself. But she looked right at my cuts and didn't say anything about them...My family doesn't really believe in depression. I frequently put myself down based on: - appearance - intelligence - self-worth I NEED to know if I am being over dramatic and going through the typical teen puppy love shit. Should I talk to a doctor? I am sorry about the incredibly long post. I appreciate any thoughts.