Am I actually depressed?

Discussion in 'Mental Health Disorders' started by londonbridgeisfalling, Nov 27, 2012.

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  1. Hey, I'm new here. I have been looking for a place where I can talk about some things because I'm trying to figure out if I actually have a problem with depression or if it's all in my head. So anyone who has some time, I would really appreciate your thoughts...

    I began seeing my high school tutor last year who was substantially older than me. I had always had a crush on him but never thought of doing anything due to the large age difference...He made the first move and we went from there. To make a long story short, I was very inexperienced and not ready for any kind of relationship with him (more due to embarrassment than anything) . I was very drawn to him though, and this led to us beginning a hooking-up "relationship" that has lasted until just very recently. The only reason this is relevant is because I still talk to him even though we have both tried to end anything between us numerous times...I'm not sure whether he is triggering for me or helpful...I love him and literally cannot think about not having him in my life in some form, even if that means just talking via texting. We have tried to end things numerous times (sometimes he tried, sometimes I did) because we both want different things. I know that he cares about me and misses me when we don't talk...but he has said over and over again how he doesn't want to date me. He doesn't love me.

    The last time he tried to end things I cut myself and loved it. I loved the feeling, the power I felt, the high I got, everything. I saw nothing wrong with it and at the time didn't think I would ever actually kill myself. Lately though, I have come to the realization that suicide is a very real concept for me. I think about it often, and try to find things that are worth living for. The guy I mentioned actually saw the cuts (he also used to be very depressed and has scars on his wrists) asked if I "was cutting now" then said "cool" as a way to dismiss it (I know how this looks...Like he doesn't give a shit and stuff and I guess I can't really defend him). The only things keeping me going are my nephew and this guy (I cannot even explain my love for these two people. They are my everything...Which scares the shit out of me). When I cut, I see nothing wrong with it and would keep doing it forever if people didn't notice. My mom has seen them and talked to me about how I worry her sometimes and she's scared I might hurt myself. But she looked right at my cuts and didn't say anything about them...My family doesn't really believe in depression.

    I frequently put myself down based on:
    - appearance
    - intelligence
    - self-worth

    I NEED to know if I am being over dramatic and going through the typical teen puppy love shit. Should I talk to a doctor? I am sorry about the incredibly long post. I appreciate any thoughts.
  2. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    I think YES you need to talk to your doctor You need to ask for a referal to see a therapist a councilor someone who can teach you other coping skills then sh hun
    No one can diagnose you here hun but your doctor can and if he or she feels you have depression then maybe also medication may be prescribed. I think you in alot of emotional pain hun and you should not have to fight it alone ok You reach out and talk to someone your doctor a teacher a councilor but get some help hun ok hugs
  3. Mr Stewart

    Mr Stewart Well-Known Member

    You are not being over dramatic. I think that a doctor trip is a good idea, yes. Talk to your doctor, be honest in answering his/her questions. Don't try to hide things. Life doesn't have to be like this. With help things can improve for you.
  4. youRprecious!

    youRprecious! Antiquities Friend

    I agree lbif - please get yourself to a doctor and tell him what has been going on for you. Also, it would be a good idea to try to open up to your mum - it's silly her burying her head in the sand and saying she doesn't believe in depression when it is a very real thing in a lot of peoples' lives. All the best hun, and please keep talking to us here for support, encouragement and empathy :)
  5. Acy

    Acy Mama Bear - TLC, Common Sense Staff Member Safety & Support

    A doctor is the only person who could reliably diagnose you with anything. Even if it turns out you are not depressed, perhaps you would find it helpful to talk to someone as it seems you have a lot of things going on and a lot on your mind.

    Many people report a "high" from cutting...A high doesn't last, but figuring things out and resolving them does. Also, most people find, later in life, that scars are not fun to have. I would hate for you to discover 10 years from now that you wish you had not cut.

    A trip to your GP won't hurt. It might help. :smile:

    And as urPrecious has suggested, maybe talk to your mum. I'm sure you're mum doesn't want to interfere as you're a young adult, but she obviously DOES care about you if she says she worries. She might not know what to say or how to open up the discussion with you.

    I can imagine a future for you where you work on goals and setting your hat towards some dreams and ambitions. I hope for you that you can head towards your dreams. I also hope that you'll update us and say how things are going. Be safe.
  6. Thanks everyone, I really appreciate everything you've all said. It is a relief to hear I'm not crazy or one of those people just seeking attention. I'll try talking with my doctor and my mom and seeing if we can figure where to go from there.
    Thank you again, your words have really helped me :)
  7. youRprecious!

    youRprecious! Antiquities Friend

    That's really awesome to hear that lb - all the very best with it and for your future :)
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